Trepidation to Text
by Feagalad
Summary: Opening text messages from Sherlock Holmes could be dangerous. Of course, John always had to check. He never knew whenever Sherlock could be fending off a swordsman or engaged in a gunfight or need someone to pick up milk for him to pour down the drain...
1. In Which John Is Annoyed

**Author's Note:** I really should thank my good friend TheChristmasSerialMurders for this one, as half of the ideas contained herein belong to her.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, other than Sherlock's moments of snarkiness (and even those I only borrow to play with).

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Sherlock, if Mycroft kidnaps me 1 more time so help me I will punch him. We both have phones why cant he just use them? - JW

Mycroft never texts if he can talk. - SH

Lestrade called; come to Baker Street at once, especially if it is inconvenient for Mycroft. - SH

John? - SH

Sry. Mycroft wouldn't shut up. What does Lestrade want? - JW

Sherlock? - JW

U still there Holmes or have u run off on a case with Lestrade? If so Ill never forgive u for leaving me behind & w/Mycroft. - JW

Your grammar is atrocious, John. - SH

And no, I am still here. I wouldn't inflict Mycroft on my worst enemy. - SH

Not even Anderson? - JW

I don't want to be arrested for accessory to homicide. - SH

Besides, Lestrade's case wasn't even a two. Donovan probably could have solved it if she would look away from Anderson's rear long enough. - SH

Eww! Too far, Sherlock! - JW

So what does that fat git want? - SH

Is it a case? - SH

Hopefully it is at least a six (Mycroft does have his small uses). I need a case! My brain is rotting even as we speak; don't let me become like Anderson, please! - SH

See? I even said please...that's what people are supposed to do, right? - SH

Bit very good, Sherlock. Im shocked! 0.o - JW

Why am I not surprised..? - SH

Theres a missing file from the Royal Archives. Mycroft thinks there is a mole inside the facility cause the cctv feeds show nothing. This should be a 7 at least & maybe something for the blog. - JW

Mycroft disappoints me. It was the janitor. Do try to keep your exceedingly fictitious romantic ideals out of the write-up this time. I read the last one. The Red-Handed League? If you ever use so many quotations marks in one sentence again I will change the locks on our front door. - SH

Is that a threat? *arches eyebrows* Ill have you remember that I was a soldier and I have a gun and I will use it! - JW

I am well aware of your gun... -SH

*sigh* And you wonder why people think we are a couple. - JW

However I believe you may be out of bullets. It dryfired yesterday when I was making adjustments to the wallpaper. - SH

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY GUN?! Damage 2 the wall is going on ur rent. Not mine. What is Mrs H. going to say? - JW

It was an experiment. I'll tell her to send the bill to Mycroft - the fat git can pay it out of his doughnut fund; it would do him good. - SH


	2. In Which John Is Impatient

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* * *

John? We're out of milk again. - SH

Sherlock for God's sake! I just bought milk yesterday. What happened this time? - JW

I needed the jug. - SH

Do I even want to know what for? - JW

No - no, don't tell me. That was rhetorical. I'll pick some up on my way home. Can I use your card? - JW

You can. I don't know if it will work or not. I ran out of phosphorous last week. - SH

Oh hell. - JW

Eloquent as ever, John. - SH

You know this wouldn't happen if you would actually accept some actual payment instead of just showing off! - JW

I only accept payment for the boring cases. I have to have _some _sort of compensation for wasting my mind on whatever inane puzzle the Neanderthal masses that call themselves Scotland Yard are too lazy to make an attempt (however fruitless) at solving themselves. - SH

*wags finger* Police dont consult amateurs! - JW

No they don't. That is why they come to me. - SH

They are mostly out of their depth, Ill give u that. How did Anderson get a job there in the first place? - JW

His mother's brother is the Chief Superintendant. Come to think of it, that explains a lot of their issues if someone sharing Anderson's DNA is in charge... - SH

No wonder I felt the urge to chin him that one time. - JW

Wait... - JW

Are you being merciful towards the Yard? - JW

Hardly. The electric chair would be preferable to sharing genes with Gale Anderson. - SH

You do realise that we don't use that as a punishment any more, right? - JW

No one has any style these days... - SH


	3. In Which John Is Kidnapped

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* * *

Sometimes I really hate ur brother, Sherlock. - JW

I share the sentiment. He took you from Tesco's, didn't he? - SH

How..? No, I really don't care. Just tell him to sod off before I do something that will land me banished. - JW

He is boring me to tears. - JW

Sherlock? - JW

Now is NOT the time to ignore me! - JW

Sent him a text message. Has he left yet? - SH

John? - SH

Tell Mycroft that if he doesn't give you a ride home right now I'll tell Mummy who licked the icing off her gala Christmas cake...he'll know which one. - SH

I thought your mother was dead. - JW

She is. When has death ever stopped a Holmes? - SH

Touche - JW

Punctuation, John. It's this little thing people use at the end of sentences. - SH

Given the way you overuse it on your blog I shouldn't have to tell you this. - SH

Shut up and come get me, Sherlock. I don't think Mycroft was impressed with your threat. - JW

Sherlock? - JW

Get your skinny arse down here and call off your brother. I don't have time for this. - JW

SHERLOCK! U answer right now or so help me I will throw out the eardrums I know u stowed in the butterdish! - JW

I need you to come down...he's roping me into something again. Apparently got another case forr u but wont bother to talk to u in person. Its about that murder on the news. The one wiith the tearful blonde wife. The vic was one of the Secret Services employees. But the wife doesnt know. Or does she...? - JW

Sherlock? - JW

Can't come. Kidnapped. - SH

Mrs. Hudson and Mrs. Turner got their subscriptions to _Brides & Grooms_ today. - SH

Might be needing your gun... - SH

Why are they showing me pictures of engagement rings? - SH

John? Help! They're trying to give me a haircut! - SH

Mycroft is probably watching and delaying you on purpose, damn him! - SH

Oh God - engagement rings? God help us it's because they think we r a couple. Romantically involved. And that we should get married. Why in the world do two old ladies have subscriptions to bridal magazines anyway? - JW

My brain is going the same way as Anderson's...who cares if the roses are red or yellow? Why would I buy roses? - SH

John? - SH

Ive been sprung. Im coming, Sherlock, Im coming. - JW

... - JW

Oh crap. Cabbie's Moriarty or someone who looks eerily similar. Help! - JW

Texted Mycroft. Secret Service should be coming. I _told _you you should have taken your gun this morning. Don't let the cabbie know you've recognised him. - SH

John? - SH

Oh God - he's got you, hasn't he? John? - SH

Hello, Sherly-boy. Got your pet. Ready to play? - M

Fascinating. I was not aware that we had purchased a dog. Was it perhaps your late Christmas present? I do hope it bit you. - SH

Oh no no no no, Sherlock! That isnt the rules of the game. I told you I want a live-in one. Now I think I'll have yours unless you want a bullet through your brain. - M

Moran, do stop straining your brain by attempting to copy the exceedingly unparalleled style and intellect of one James Moriarty. I watched him put a bullet through _his_ head myself. Now I have certain intelligence that the MI5 have you surrounded and there are three trained snipers with rifles aimed at your head, not to mention my 'pet', who has some particularly nasty teeth. If you wish to save yourself the trouble you can come quietly - but please do resist, I rather think the world would thank us for exterminating you. - SH

Thanks, Sherlock. Guess we owe Mycroft one. On my way to Baker Street now. Going on the Tube. A little sick of cabbies. - JW

Got free from Mrs. Hudson. Bought milk. Think Mrs. Turner is bringing over scones. - SH

YOU BOUGHT MILK? Wow its going stop raining and the suns going to come out. Its a miracle! - JW

I don't believe in miracles - miracles are the superstitions of the narrow-minded. - SH

u bought milk 0.o *shakes head in wonder* I think I should get kidnapped more often. - JW

I sincerely hope that that was an ill-advised attempt at humour. - SH

I do so hate to ask Mycroft for favours - fat git will be smug for _months_! - SH


	4. In Which John Is Exasperated

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* * *

We have a prospective case - murder in Picadilly. Looks like that Jack-The-Ripper rip-off who has been on the news lately. Lestrade has finally admitted his team's incompetence and come to us. - SH

Make sure you buy some bullets. Could be dangerous. - SH

Alright! A case! And I dont need to buy more bullets. I hide my emergency stash with ur cigarettes The ones u can never find...! - JW

I could find them if I really wanted to. - SH

Um no. u couldnt. They are not even in the flat. - JW

Crap! I should not have said that. - JW

They're in 221C, aren't they? - SH

What w/the damp crawling up the walls? Besides - u REALLY think Mrs. H is going to keep those vile things anywhere near her? - JW

I don't have time to waste on playing your treasure hunt games! Maybe Lestrade will have a few in his pocket... - SH

Dont think so! Instructed everybody on the team to not even have the smell of nicotine on them! - JW

Sherlock? - JW

Oh hell please dont tell me youre sulking now! - JW

Its for ur own good, y'know. - JW

John, I think one of those organic eggs you bought at the farmer's market yesterday is starting to hatch. I...may have put them in that incubator left over from the Farmyard Slaughterhouse case. - SH

Oh my God. A CHICKEN in the FLAT? Are you CRAZY? Please tell me it is a chicken right? - JW

You and your bloody experiments! - JW

It could be a duck. - SH

Or a pigeon. - SH

Or maybe a goose...how the hell am I supposed to know? - SH

No. Just no. This cannot be happening! - JW

I am not in the habit of making up stories about poultry for fun, John. Is it normal for one hatching to set off the rest? - SH

Just checking it wasnt a snake or dragon or something! - JW

Dragon's don't exist, John - don't be ridiculous. And what does that have to do with hatching customs? - SH

How the hell am I supposed to know? Im a doctor not a bloody vet! And no I am not phoning Jane for her help You have damaged that relationship far enough! - JW

It is so fascinating, John. Did you know that birds have an inborn instinct to reject mash if it contains mercury? This proves that Anderson doesn't even posses the brain of a bird! - SH

One of them just bit me, John. John? Is it true what Google says about baby birds imprinting on the first thing they see after they hatch? - SH

God help me *facepalm* Sherlock, I am 5 minutes away from Baker Street. When I get there there had better not be any traces of feathers or beaks or anything else fowl, u hear me? - JW

And Im never buying Organic eggs ever again. Or just normal eggs, for that matter! - JW

azscdvfbg, adngo897 - SH

Excuse me? What the hell does that mean? - JW

Blasted bird just walked over my phone... - SH

How long until they're mature enough to butcher? Google says that the Americans sometimes deep-fry 'peeps'... - SH

Cheepy is making a repulsively loud noise that is threatening my Mind Palace. Where's the off switch? - SH

*facepalm* Please dont tell me you have named it... - JW

John - I regret to inform you that your Christmas jumper is no more. Cheepy and her sisters seems to have claimed it as a nest...or maybe their imprinted mother. - SH

CHEEPY? MY JUMPER? I think I am getting a migraine... - JW

Mrs. Hudson named it. She seems quite taken with the speckled one. - SH

I told her it reminded me of you before your morning tea...why is she smiling at me like that? - SH

Figure it out yourself, Sherlock. I know youre not _that_ oblivious! - JW

Okay - if I'm the speckled one which ones Irene Adler then? - JW

Why would I name a chicken after _her_? If it was a cygnet maybe I could see where you got that presumptuous and illogical assumption...but it isn't. - SH

Well sue me for breathing: Someones a bit huffy today! - JW

The little harpies have spoiled my bacteria cultures. How old before we can butcher them? I have a guillotine diagram that I have been _dying_ to try out. - SH

Okay Sherlock that is just sick! Take them down to FreeMe or the RSPCA or even just the vet okay? - JW

Not good? - SH

A bit not good - JW

Mrs. Turner's eldest tenant, Matthew, has a brother who owns a farm. Would it be more acceptable if I send these feathery fiends to him before they...STOP IT YOU DETESTABLE THINGS! John - they've got my scarf! Dammit! They've got my scarf! - SH

John, help... - SH


	5. In Which John Is Absent

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* * *

Google says that there's this thing called a 'pecking order' and apparently I'm now on the bottom... - SH

I think I'm bleeding - bring more plasters. - SH

And some chloroform - SH

Or we could just send them to Mycroft...his birthday is next week. - SH

Might do his diet good. - SH

Can't concentrate on Lestrade's case while these feathery horrors are here. Did you talk to Matthew? - SH

Matthew says that his brother only deals in pigs. So it will be the chloroform or Mycroft - which would you advise? - SH

John? - SH


	6. In Which John Is Busy

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* * *

Thanks for covering me with a blanket last night, Sherlock. Slept better than I have in weeks And I think we should give the chickens to Donovan and Anderson Let them start a family of their own! - JW

Anderson will prbly forget about them mind u. Poor Cheepy! Tsk tsk Oh well. *shakes head and shrugs* They shouldnt have ruined my jumper. - JW

I'm going to train Cheepy to bite anything wearing a crime scene suit. - SH

Even though it may infect him with Anderson's particularly blatant sense of stupidity. - SH

I thought you said Cheepy was a girl. - JW

Female, male - what does it matter? Its a hellish bundle of down and sharp appendages either way. - SH

Also anyone with Andersons deodorant should be a target. And anyone who says any word starting with F and ending in K in front of Mrs. H. - JW

No need to be coy, John. I've heard you say far worse whenever you discover one of my vital experiments in the shower. I'm still not happy that you threw out the carbonic acid last week. I had plans for that as soon as I get the toenails from Molly. - SH

You may have a point about the deodorant, though. - SH

I try not to swear in front of Mrs. H, though. Its called being a gentleman - u should try it sometime. - JW

John...don't be mad but I think Cheepy and her sister have just taken over your teamug. Apparently they don't approve of the kitty litter box I set up. - SH

Great. Just ... great. U do realise I actually DRINK out of that mug right?! - JW

Yes, John, I'm not an idiot. I'll get Mrs. Hudson to wash it for you. - SH

Thats not gonna be enough. May be late tonight. Now Im gonna have to buy new mug after work... - JW

It's just a bit of excrement, John. No need to spend money on a new mug. - SH

No. Just no. Keep that mug as Cheepys toilet and for ur damn experiments. Have fun with that... - JW

Maybe I can finally do that fertiliser and wine experiment... - SH

Oh my God. Just dont blow up the flat before I get home alright? If someone gets hurt Andersons prbly gonna have to come to the scene. D'you really want Anderson grubbing around the flat looking for "clues"? Just think about that... - JW

If Anderson does come I will be prepared. You did just purchase mousetraps yesterday... - SH

Oh crap. Youre gonna get yourself back in jail, just you wait! And Im only gonna be willing to bail u out so many times... - JW

Lestrade won't arrest me this time. He's been longing to clock Anderson for months ever since that winepress incident during your inanely-titled "Blue Peter" blog post. - SH

What makes you so sure? - JW

His hands twitch with compulsory aggression every time Anderson enters a room - at last Lestrade has succumbed to sentient mankind's inborn instinct to elimate something of Anderson's stupidity. It's simple survival of the fittest. - SH

*facepalm* What the hell does Donovan see in him? - JW

I'm sure they keep the lights down in his bedroom. - SH

Owch Good one. You do know you are an insanely hard person to present shop for? - JW

Present? Why would you be purchasing me a present? - SH

John? Oh. You were joking, right? Stupid! Of course you were joking. - SH

I was actually doing my JOB there for a minute. Something called early Christmas shopping Sherlock! - JW

Oh. - SH

Why am I hard to buy for? - SH

Oh? The Great Detective who can always come up with a snarky comment and the best you can come up with is "Oh"?! - JW

Let me count the ways. Maybe because there is nothing in the world thats suits u! - JW

You could always lend me your perscription pad for two hours. That would be an acceptable present as it would reduce the inconvenience of breaking into your office. - SH

Or my laptop. Cold turkey remember? Youre doing fine. Any minute now a nice murder'll turn up and youll be fine again! - JW

I always use your laptop so I fail to see how it would be a substitute. You _really_ need to use more imagination with your passwords. HarrietEmilyWatson - honestly, John? - SH

Never gonna guess my new one! Try get into my laptop now This very second! - JW

Plebian, John. Oh - and you really need to get a new desktop background...the sheer amount of cleavage in this one is giving me a headache. - SH

Damn! What would you prefer I had on it? Oh I know: You and The Hat! :D - JW

Shut up, John. You know I hate that hat. - SH

My point exactly! - JW

Why is there a bird sitting on my shoulder, John? When you get home we are packaging them up for Anderson...even though Cheepy isn't fully trained. I am tired of changing my shirt. - SH

Aaaaaw he thinks u r his Daddy! Thats so sweet! Oh and thank Mrs Hudson for the picture for me? Its even better than u in the Death Frisbee! - JW

John delete that from your phone instantly or I will introduce Cheepy to your tea box! And I'm NOT sweet! - SH

Oops I may have accidentally hit the 'forward' button Lestrade and Molly now have it too! Now Mycroft as well... - JW

John! I swear I'll... - SH

...I won't eat dinner tonight! - SH

U didnt eat dinner last night either. Is that really the best u can come up with? I am soooooo scared! - JW

I'll go through with plans for the guillotine. - SH

Cheepy is beyond annoying - remind me why we haven't gotten rid of them again? - SH

Yeah. Right. Okay. Guillotines were banned after the French Revolution so having it is illegal... - JW

So is your handgun. - SH

That gun saved your arse several times over...not to mention the fact that its only illegal if I get caught. - JW

Then you won't mind my using it to exterminate Mycroft before he sends that picture to Mummy. - SH

Yes actually I will Remember what war will do to the traffic! - JW

Shut up. Fatcroft deserves to go - it will solve world hunger. - SH

John? - SH

John? Did you get a bad cabby again? - SH

John? You are fantastic and amazing! - SH

Now now lets not overdo it shall we? Mycofts got another case by the way. - JW

What does that fat git want now? - SH

John? What does Mycroft want? - SH

U know what? Ive actually forgotten. It is someting of national importance, according to him. Ive just forgotten what it is! Blast! You see where broken telephone gets you Mycroft you fat lazy git?! - JW

Knew you'd come to see him my way, John. - SH

Of course I would! The fat git kidnaps me almost daily! I can never get anything done the whole way! - JW

Steal his brolly again, did you? I'm impressed, John. - SH

No I didn't - why would you think that? Good idea, by the way. - JW

But seriously the guy is just about as irritating as bloody Anderson! Hows Cheepy by the way? - JW

The same way she was the last time you asked - attempting to escape the packaging I had Mrs. Hudson purchase yesterday and generally making a nuisance of herself. I hope Anderson appreciates all of the time I have wasted on giving him a gift! I could be doing that strychnine experiment with our loaf of bread. - SH

Youre supposed 2 b eating that bread, Sherlock, not poisoning it. - JW

Dull. Mrs Hudson is kissing Cheepy goodbye now...she keeps giving me odd looks. - SH

She's probably trying to guilt you into keeping them. - JW

She won't succeed. They are leaving the flat. Today. - SH


	7. In Which John Is Pursued

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**Author's Note:** I guess I should probably point out that these 'chapters' are not strictly in chronological order, save for those who share a common thread - such as Cheepy the Chicken. Cheers!

* * *

Have u seen my new blog post for the latest case? - JW

Unfortunately I did. If you ever use that amount of exclamation points again I will stow the next severed head in your closet. - SH

Where have I heard a threat like that be4? O, wait - it was from u! - JW

There's only so many different ways to say that you need to do something about your grammar, John. But I meant it about the head. - SH

U wouldnt And if you did..I will BURN your cigarettes to ashes. They will no longer be just hidden. They will be GONE! - JW

Sherlock, what do I do? Im being chased by fans! This is even worse than the Baskerville dog! - JW

I dont even have my gun... - JW

I would have thought you would have no objection to the attention of vapid females, John - especially given the quality of your last four girlfriends (the last of which you broke up with last night, I know). - SH

Yknow. For a man who claims that dating 'isnt his area' u do seem determined to poke ur nose into my private life. - JW

Your 'private life' interferes with The Work and you don't really enjoy it anyways. Aren't friends supposed to get you out of situations like that? - SH

I - I...just, just DAMMIT, Sherlock! - JW

Eloquent as always, doctor. - SH


	8. In Which John Is Cornered

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* * *

Oh Hell. Stopped by the Yard to return those files before Lestrade overturns the flat again. Donovans telling me what a prat u are again As if I dont know! I cant get away from her - JW

Coming from her that is practically a compliment.- SH

I am sure that she has called me far worse...it is the only hope I have that she might be anything but as stupid as her boyfriend. - SH

Only u would judge someones IQ state by the imaginative quality of their insults! - JW

Well I certainly couldn't judge it by her taste in men. What does she want anyway? - SH

Why do you care? - JW

I'm bored. - SH

And you took your gun. - SH

Fine. she is telling me that she still believes you had a part with that little girl in That case. You know the one who screamed at you? Bloody woman cant geow up and move on can she? Oh wonderful. Now Im rude cause Im texting 2 u while shes talking - JW

You were rude? I fail to see how - you were telling the truth. Your spelling, on the other hand... - SH

*sigh* And there goes my attempt at teaching you some manners today. - JW

Now Andersons joined in Somebody save me before I do something that will get us both banned from the Yard! I dont want to be responsible 4 ur mad scientist flare-ups! Text Lestrade or something. - JW

Why don't you walk away? - SH

No one likes a smartarse, Sherlock. Theyve got me cornered by the water jug. - JW

Just let them know that you know about their little tryst last week in Lestrade's office. He's been wondering where those scratches on his desk came from... - SH

Okay WAAAAAY to much information there! - JW

... - JW

They have gone. Blushing profusely. Going to Tescos. Need anything? - JW

Milk. And iodine. - SH

What you planning on blowing up now? - JW

Lestrade texted me about a case of particular potential. A young man was found dead - no obvious cause and in a locked room. He was wearing a beige wool jumper and was completely soaked in iodine. - SH

Need to test the effects it would have on wool and whether that could composite a toxin. - SH

And milk has what to do with this? - JW

You do intend on forcing dinner down my throat tonight, do you not? - SH

Yes I do - JW

Then bring the milk. - SH

And some alcohol as well. - SH

Fine. And iodine. Okay. - JW

...wait - youd better not be planning on using one of MY jumpers in your bloody experiment! - JW


	9. In Which John Is Home

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* * *

Sherlock where are u? Im at Baker Street u r not... - JW

Battersea. Just had an idea about a lead - had to check it out. - SH

Tell Mycroft to take his next case and shove it up his arse. I ended up in the Thames and it's ALL HIS FAULT! – SH

Battersea eh? Thats a little far out. Mrs H has joined drama classes with Mrs Turner so they are practising downstairs and its getting louder and louder… - JW

I dont think they are completely sober... – JW

Yep. Mrs H. is drunk – JW

As a skunk – JW

I cant tell him something like that, much as I would like 2, he is YOUR brother u know. – JW

I will never understand why you insist on picking up annoying and illogical colloquolisms from across the pond. Don't go downstairs. It's probably a rehearsal of I, Claudius or some such dry drama from 'the good ol' days' (her words, _not_ mine!) – SH

And Mycroft talks to you, not to me, thank God. – SH

There is a diffrence between TALK and KIDNAP Sherlock And its actually Hamlet Or some sad Shakespeare play They are apparently drowning their sorrows. – JW

I once investigated a serial killer based around Shakespeare. He had an interesting style...the current criminal class should be lining up by his gravestone for lessons. – SH

Yes well If the criminal class is anything like Anderson... – JW

Anderson is in a class all of his own: the bottom class! – SH

With the goldfish? – JW

Don't insult goldfish. They make excellent mercury detectors...Anderson couldn't detect a poison if it killed him! – SH

Never thought Id see the day whenever u were telling me not to insult someone.. – JW

And I don't even want to know how you know that about the poor goldfish. – JW

Just because your sister fed your childhood pet to death is no reason to attempt empathy for the slimy things, John. They're fish. – SH

For the love of!…why do I even try?! – JW

Have to dash - Raz got caught spraypainting the side of Scotland Yard and needs me to bail him out. I told him to watch out for CCTV cameras! – SH

*sigh * Ill have something hot ready whenever u get home. Just try not to get 2 chilled? - JW

It's 'too' not 'to' or '2', John. - SH

You pillock. - JW


	10. In Which John Is Angry

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* * *

Sherlock Holmes! What have u done to my bloody laptop? – JW

Are you referring to literal blood or was that one of your vulgar exaggerations again? – SH

Oh for the love of...no, I am referring to the fact that my laptop is stuck on the password page and none of my passwords are working! – JW

I was bored. – SH

It was a bad day. – SH

I think I deleted it... – SH

Great. Just marvelous! So how am I gonna get into my laptop now?! – JW

Can you go through the 'Trash' folder in that bloody Mind Palace of yours? - JW

Try the name of that ridiculous and completely stupid song from the tedious movie you made me sit through last week - the flying nanny with the umbrella fetish and the dancing penguins. – SH

Mary Poppins? Are you #%§£€$&"•*^ KIDDING ME?! – JW

Hmmm…Mycroft must have hacked your phone again. Your filter is on. – SH

Anyway; it was that or Professor Peach. – SH

Or maybe Bilbo Baggins… – SH

PROFESSOR PEACH?! _BILBO_ _BAGGINS_?! Nope None of them work Anything else my DEAR flatmate? – JW

Tom Thumb? – SH

Thats it! As soon as soon as I find your stash of patches…well, its not going to be pretty. – JW

Empty threats, John; dull. – SH

Never touch my laptop EVER again! - JW

Honestly, John - you act like I changed the password to johnwatsonisinthecloset or something involving decomposition. For a doctor you certainly are sensitive. –SH

For all I bloody know you could've! I have tried every word under the sun and it still isnt working!…and Im NOT GAY! – JW

I know that – you go out of your way to remind every single person we meet. Did you try password retrieval? – SH

Yes. And nothing happened Thank you Sherlock Thank you SO damn much! – JW

Tell Mycroft to buy you a new one. Or you could try supercallafragilisticexpealidocious...or however it's supposedly spelled. Google wasn't clear. I'm sure you can figure it out. – SH

God help me its like talking to someone who was plastered last night! And Mycroft buy me a new one? Hardly bloody likely! I tried that one already . – JW

Then try that imbecillic phrase out... – SH

I HAVE DAMN YOU! – JW

Oh…- SH

Well then...use mine. I think Mycroft bugged it, though, so be careful what you download. – SH

The last thing we need is for him to come for a 'check-up'. – SH

John? You need the password, don't you. – SH

No shit, Sherlock. – JW

32-24-34– SH

Thank you. And I found the password for mine. It was on a Word doc on your PC Surely you can come up with something better than ihateAnderson? - JW

I was bored. And you threw out my fly larvae experiment. And took your gun. Besides - it's true. - SH

Oh God not that again! Where is my gun now my (soon-to-be-dead) friend? Maggots are distgusting You almost gave Mrs H a heart attack! - JW

She has a stronger constitution than you give her credit for - her husband _was_ a mafia-smuggler-murderer, after all. You both complain too much; I was going to use the shoulder roast instead of borrowing a specimen from Molly. - SH

That was for our DINNER, Sherlock. U may be perfectly happy to live on a diet of coffee and nicotine but I actually care about being able to make it though a case without fainting! - JW

I never faint. - SH

Sure you dont. - JW


	11. In Which John Is Visited

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* * *

Sherlock there is a weird blue police telephone box that landed in the middle of the sitting room. What should I do? - JW

Ignore it...have you been on Mrs. Hudson's soothers? - SH

Um no. And some bloke has jumped out of it and introduced himself as The Doctor Hang on...Surely he means _a_ doctor not _the_ Doctor? Im a doctor too! - JW

Ignore him - he's an idiot. Probably mad too. - SH

Apparently his name is Doctor Who? And he has a very pretty young lady with him... - JW

Restrain yourself, John. If she's anything like the last she's not worth a second look. - SH

What r u trying to say about Marissa? - JW

Nothing you don't know; you just don't want to admit it. - SH

Sherlock...he's bleeping me. - JW

What? - SH

He's got this little deformed lightsaber & hes bleeping me with it. Seems to think Im a flobbit...what the hell is a flobbit? - JW

What is a lightsaber? It sounds fascinating. - SH

Good God, Sherlock! Its the main weapon from _Star Wars;_ that sci-fi movie we watched for that Geek Interpreter case? Dont tell me youve deleted Luke Skywalker! - JW

Irrelevant information. What is the madman with the blue box doing now? - SH

Saying he needs to sort out some stuff in this era (whatever the hell that means) and he is going to keep the blue box where it is if we do not mind? - JW

Of COURSE I mind! He's probably ruining the dust line. - SH

If he's not a prospective client kick him out! - SH

Hes gone, thank God. Ran out the door with the girl (Nessie was her name, I think) babbling about 'psychic irregularities'. Glad hes gone. We've got enough crazy in this flat as it is. - JW

What sort of man wears celery in his lapel? - JW


	12. In Which John Is Sleepy

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* * *

John come downstairs right now! Emergency! - SH

How... what... where? Sherlock bloody Holmes! This had better b good! Its 3 in the morning! - JW

Yes; I am perfectly capable of reading a clock. Can I borrow your laptop? - SH

Wait, wait, wait...u have woken me at 3 IN THE MORNING SO U CAN USE MY LAPTOP?! *shakes head and sighs* How have I put up with u 4 this long? - JW

But you always tell me to ask you first...There's no pleasing you sometimes, John. Make up your mind; I don't have the time to waste on catering to your mood swings. - SH

Hello! U have got a perfectly good laptop on the table in front of u You r just too bloody lazy 2 lean forward and pick it up! - JW

Mycroft bugged it. And he thought I wouldn't notice! I need to order some morphine and I don't want him getting the wrong idea. He is always so grouchy and unreasonable. - SH

Like somebody else u know who has been woken up at unreasonable times during the night because u want to use this persons laptop because u suspect that yours has been bugged by ur fat git of a brother? - JW

Why do you need morphine? Oh wait, thats a hypothetical question You need it for an experiment right? I'm hoping... - JW

Not my drug of choice, John, so there's no cause to go messing up my sock index..._again. - SH_

And I need to see what precise effect it would have on someone who had recently ingested exactly five liters of beer and four chips. - SH

Fine Ill give u my laptop as long as u leave me to sleep in peace! - JW

Thank you, John. And remember: I did ask first! - SH

Yes you did, this time. Try not to blow anything up before morning. Please! - JW

I haven't blown anything up for nearly a month. Once again you're exaggerating, John. - SH

Oh - and your attempts at creating a password are only getting worse with time. - SH

I am not exaggerating! If its not explosives its poison or cadavers...or both! How do u work out my password so fast? - JW

You don't have a very wide range, John. Now go to sleep and stop bothering me. - SH

Good night again Sherlock. U really should try to sleep u know. To my knowledge u havent slept in 5 days. Nicotine and coffee can only get u so far... - JW

Just goes to show what happens when you rely on your knowledge. - SH

Good _night_ Sherlock! - JW

... - SH

John - doesn't spellchecker exist on your blogger site? I've had to edit three things in the space of a minute! - SH

Well Im not the spell checking, grammar police, perfectionist u are am I? - JW

And you put up another picture of me in That Hat! I don't understand the appeal -_ I _hate that hat! - SH

Exactly my reasoning behind putting it there! - JW

Wait, whoa, whoa! What the HELL are YOU DOING on MY blog may I ask? I thought I told u to get some sleep?! - JW

I'm bored. The criminal class is on strike without even having the decency to do any rioting. Mycroft has bugged my laptop and now I shall have to melt it...but you told me not to blow anything up. And we're out of biscuits. - SH

You know...I am starting to HATE the term "Im bored" w/a passion! At least u ate something, though. - JW

...U did _eat_ those biscuits, didnt u? - JW

John - you have a new commenter and she (obvious from the very...sparkly profile pic) has even worse grammar than you could dream up in a drunken haze! - SH

Whats her name? Is she from around here? Can u see what she looks like? What did she say? - JW

...and why am I still talking to u? I have work in the morning - JW

This is more fun. - SH

This doesn't pay the bills. - JW

But whats her name? - JW

**edwuardculan4evah3** is this young female's name. And no - I can deduce little about her other than the fact that she has no respect for the English language and is inordinately fond of the mythological distortion of the rhinoceros known as Unicorns. - SH

Who the hell is Edwuard Culan? - SH

John? - SH

Why are you laughing at me? - SH


	13. In Which John Is Horrified

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* * *

edwuardculan4evah3 has included a link to something called 'fanfiction' with requests that we check hers out and tell her what we think. I'm almost bored enough to brave her idiocy and read it. – SH

Well I think u should try it out Sherlock u said u were bored So go for it - u have nothing to lose and maybe I can get some sleep. – JW

I am reluctant to infect my brain with her insipid thoughts. Given that I can infer that 'fanfiction' is fiction of some sort written by 'fans'. – SH

You think? - JW

Just try it u idiot! Some writing is NOT gonna poison u u know – JW

Ooo, John! This young female person must have been talking to your sister! – SH

o.0 Why? – JW

Because she has used the term 'Johnlock' in her title and Harriet is the only person I can think of who might know about your locking yourself in the closet for a day whenever you were twelve. Well - the only person besides _me._ – SH

Oh for the love of…*facepalm* PLEASE no! I AM NOT GAY! - JW

I know that, John. You are, as they say, preaching to the choir here. What does that have to do with locking yourself in a closet? – SH

It has nothing to do with locking myself in the closet u plonker! It means me and u. As partners. – JW

And its not so much getting stuck in the closet the problem is being expected to come out of it! - JW

We _are_ partners, John. – SH

Um… - JW

Well… - JW

Yeah. Yes flatmate partners & crime fighting partners But not PARTNER partners! – JW

I know all this John. But what does that have to do with Johnlock? Why would they combine your name with something so idiotic anyways? - SH

Oh My God...Sometimes I swear u do these things just to irritate me! – JW

Just spit it out. – SH

I am going to be totally blunt here – JW

Do please stop waffling around, doctor. It is most irritating! – SH

They mean me and u kissing. And then doing a bit more Like um… - JW

Sex – JW

There. I said it. Happy now? – JW

But why? You people are so obsessed with actions of reproduction! It is ludicrous! – SH

They think we are a couple. We even *have a son named Hamish!* according to Bill and Harry. – JW

Then they are morons. – SH

Wait - Hamish? I thought that that was a rather dim-witted joke you made concerning myself and The Woman. – SH

Which was completely wrong, by the way. – SH

Apparently not...Though it is my middle name. Harry's probably behind the rumours. Why use it again, though? – JW

Whatever So this fanfiction Whats it like? – JW

Oh God – I should know better… :P – JW

Oh - it involves us eating dinner (this author seems to be under the mistaken idea that I go for weeks without eating...and that you have to then feed me. Idiot!) – SH

Um Sherlock? Thats probably the only thing she got right. U forget. I do – JW

Irrelevant. And you don't. How do you think I survived before I met you? – SH

I am capable of taking care of myself, you know. – SH

No. u r not. I suspect Mrs. H had a hand in it. – JW

Hmmm. – SH

Anyway. After dinner (which I would _never_ lick off your cheek...or anywhere else!) we retire to watch something called _Hannah Montana_ (stupid, childish title!) on the 'TV' – SH

Idiot - it's called a telly. – SH

Clearly an American. – SH

Probably Anderson's stateside cousin. – SH

Ohhhhh. This just gets better and better! - JW


	14. In Which John Is Scarred

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* * *

**Author's Note:** There really should be a petition put in to ask this site to add a genre for satire! 'Humor' just doesn't cut it sometimes, especially whenever you are being extremely irreverent. I mean no disrespect to any authors within this fic...and I will probably pick on some of my own peccadilloes (or TheChristmasSerialMurders will) as the tale goes on. Anyways - enjoy!

* * *

So, while this damn page loads, who is Edwuard Culan anyway? An axe-murderer? (Unlikely since I haven't heard of him) Or is he one of Mycroft's coworkers (possible, since I make a point to delete them at any cost)? - SH

Oh good lord..._Edward Cullen_ is a vampire. In some disgusting young adult book called 'Twilight' - JW

Twilight? As in that crappy, outdated show you made me watch reruns of the other day? - SH

The Twilight Zone? - JW

NoNo Just Twilight Some author wrote about some girl who falls in love with a vampire. bunch of my clients are mad about it. Its not worth worrying about. And we go and watch HANNAH MONTANA?! What the hell is she tying to imply? That we are "The Best of Both Worlds"?! - JW

How could we be the best of both worlds, John? There is only one universe, to our certain knowledge, no matter what your love of crap telly might try to convince you of. - SH

Urgh *facepam* Do you hve to be so literal all the time? And did she really say that U licked gravy off MY cheek? What else happens? - JW

Well - there is rather a lot of gratuitous, shirtless snuggling on the sofa (something about me counting your abbs...not sure why. I've seen you shirtless - you're no bodybuilder) and some of the stupidest, most lovesick things I have ever heard come out of anyone's mouth. If you ever say anything like that in my general direction, John, I will lace your next cup of tea with a laxative! - SH

Um...Does anything... u know... nasty happen? - JW

Still reading. It's rated 'for teens' so given the apparent age, intelligence, and maturity of this person probably not. - SH

Um, you dont know that We are talking about a teen here She could go wild... - JW

Since when are you the expert on adolescent female psychology, John? - SH

I do have a sister remember...? - JW

I didn't know you had a tattoo of That Hat. - SH

I have a tatoo of your ear hat? Dare I ask where? - JW

She didn't elaborate - but there's an author's note inserted. Here: **A/N - i think u allkno ****_were_**** im talkin bout *wink wink*** - SH

Ohhhhhh crap! Please dont make me explain Do u understand what she is saying? - JW

Yes, John. You do realise that I don't live in a bubble, right? - SH

U mostly act like u live in 1, Sherlock. u couldnt care less whats going on around you Unless its part of a case of course... - JW

And there it just ends. There's a big, long, rambling, error-riddled author's note about how people were hating on her story and sending her flames about her writing style (she could drive me to arson) so she's abandoning the tale. Pity; I wanted to know why you got that tattoo. But there's a link to some other story entitled 'Forbiden Fruit: a MystRade tail' Since you seem to be so up on this fanfiction thing...what is MystRade? Sounds like a new sub-species of bacteria or one of those awful sprays Mrs. Hudson uses to 'freshen' the air. - SH

No no Its ... um Its the coupling of Mycroft and Lestrade... - JW

WHAT? How _dare _that imbecile detective sell his soul to the devil! What would he even see in that fat pudding of a politician who is slimier than Moriarty's hair product? How dare they...! - SH

This I_ have_ to see. It will make good blackmail material. - SH

NO! DONT! ITS EVEN WORSE THAN YOU AND ME! YOU'LL REGRET IT...! - JW

Kissing Mycroft, urgh! Bet it's like puckering up with a dead fish. Serves Lestrade right for getting involved with the fat git. - SH

Uh...John? You may not ever want to steal Mycroft's brolly again... - SH

In fact: you don't. - SH

And there goes my theory about his obsession with that ridiculous accessory. According to this author (sunshineluvver34) he isn't compensating. - SH

Oh My God. The brolly. Where'd they stick it? Do I even wanna know...? - JW

& there were some things I just didnt want to know about ur brother! - JW

They didn't stick it anywhere. Good God, John - must you always jump to the dirtiest of conclusion? They had just run out of riding crops...I really should forward this to Mycroft! - SH

I dont think thats a good ideaHe might hang draw and quarter the author or something...!

Why would that be so bad? Granted this is one of the most hilarious things I have ever read (your girlfriend-poetry included) but the mental images are most disturbing. I'm going to have to scrub down my mind palace with turpentine! - SH

What happens? - JW

Something about, uh, cupcake fetishes and endearments that haven't crossed Mycroft's lips since he was pissed out of his mind at age 16 and copping a feel of the west wing suit of armour. And you really don't want to know the rest - I'm going to stop here. Hmmm...maybe I should check out the one called Sherlolly. Sounds like a brand of sweets. - SH

No u REALLY dont wanna do that. Thats about u and Molly. Yeah Um Just dont read it ok? Im too late, arent I? - JW

John? Why do they have me buying chocolates for Molly? Did that once whenever I needed to use a chainsaw in her morgue, but they make her sick. If these authors are such big fans why don't they do their research? She mentioned her intolerance on one of those kitten-festooned blogs she has tried to keep. - SH

Well fans dont KNOW that do they? Please dont tell me u walk in the door and snog the living daylights out of her Thats just...Euuuuuuuuh! I cant imagine u doing that with anyone. - JW

It is anatomically impossible to stick one's tongue that far down another's throat, especially without causing them to gag, vomit, and asphyxiate. Who the hell writes this drivel? - SH

Crazy delusional idiots Emphasis on CRAZY Also known as fans Like hardcore shippers What else? You carry her to the bed and rip her clothes off? - JW

We're in a morgue, John. There aren't any beds in there - only a gurney. - SH

Oh God So u throw her on a gurney and THEN rip her clothes off? - JW

What? Why would I do that to Molly? She would probably cut off my supply of specimens. - SH

Maybe, maybe not. - JW

What the hell is that supposed to mean? - SH

U know - dont act all oblivious. - JW

But, yeah, it is rather out-of-character for u. Couldnt care less about your ... specimens, personally. - JW

They say here that I called her 'dearest Molly, my pathologist and saviour'. Excuse me, I think I need to go throw up my biscuit. Oh - there's a fic about myself and The Woman. Maybe I can discover the origins of the 'Hamish' fallacy. - SH

I think Im gonna be sick... - JW

Yes Its called Sherene Hamish is your son - JW

What? I have a son? Since when? - SH

Just read! - JW


	15. In Which John Is Questioned

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* * *

John - I'm going to murder someone. Want to help me hide the body? - SH

Who? Why? - JW

You know what? Forget that I will help you hide a body - with pleasure! - JW

Someone knows some information that they really shouldn't. And why would they think that I slept with _her?_ John - why? - SH

Um I think that may be mostly my fault The blog and all I may have described ... feelings - JW

Sentiment is a weakness, you know that. Besides - really not my area. And even if it was; do you know how many passion-related crimes happen every day? - SH

Youre gonna tell me anyway arent u? - JW

At least ten, on average, that Scotland Yard manages to blunder into - some are revenge-related and others are simply because the partner gets caught up in 'the heat of the moment' and goes a bit too far. Lestrade has a whole filing cabinet full of such cases. So why would I bother with intercourse? It's messy and dangerous and I might miss out on a good case. But 'Hamish'? And why would I be Skyping with _her_ just to watch him drool in his sleep? Babies are boring! - SH

Ok. Waaaaay to much information there thank you! - JW

Why did you ask, then, if you didn't want to know? And why do they say I have a newsfeed set up on my phone so I can watch him sleep? I stand by what I said: babies are boring! - SH

And cute! But they do go a bit too far dont they? - JW

Babies are not cute. Babies are crying, sniveling, whinging excrement factories that make constant noise or messes. - SH

Yes, Shrek - JW

Who? - SH

Never mind Okay so babies are trouble with a T then? - JW

Yes. So why are all of these author's determined that I 'simply must have one'? And with The Woman. - SH

Dunno Must be so funny in their crazy heads! - JW

Dull and shallow, more like. - SH

Thats what I ... meant? - JW

Did I mention Johniarty?

Johniarty? Please dont tell me thats what I think it is... - JW

John - I want you to listen very carefully and answer honestly; what did Jim to do you before we met at the pool? - SH

Knock me out, strap a bomb on me and stick an earpiece in my ear Whyd u ask? - JW

Nothing. No reason. - SH

John? Much as I hate to admit it, you're the knowledgeable one about these things so tell me - how the hell would Richard Brook/Jim Moriarty even work? - SH

Youre lying to me What do u mean 'how would he even work'? - JW

I mean how could that pairing be? Moriarty was one of the most arrogant men alive (completely in love with himself) but I don't know how that pairing could ever play out. - SH

I fail to see the mechanics... - SH

Oh. _GOD!_ Isnt Rich Brook and Moriarty one and the same? There is no way that combo can work! EVER! - JW

At least not one I want 2 think about or discuss w/u. - JW

Well according to you there is no way Johnlock could work, EVER, but that didn't stop them from creating their own subcategory, complete with illustrations. - SH

With illustrations? *groans* - JW

Yes. Apparently there are tattoos of fallen angel wings on my shoulders that I don't know about. The only answer I can think of is that I got them while high. Next time you're stitching me up after a case could you take a look? - SH

No u do not have wings there and u dont have angels wings that sprout out your back and cover me protectively either! - JW

Fascinating but utterly improbable. Haven't read that one yet. What's it called, John? - SH

Dunno Just came across a picture of u covering me with your 'wings' on some site called LiveJournal - JW

Or was it deviantART? - JW

Could've been Tumblr... - JW

Strange. Can't be as bad as the one of you in blindingly scarlet briefs, though. Odd - I've never seen those amidst your laundry. - SH

Blindingly scarlet eh? When did you look at my washing? - JW

I needed a pair of socks. - SH

Whatever We are sharing socks now? Are u trying to give the fangirls material to work with? - JW

No. I needed to insulate the pair of feet in the freezer. - SH

_SHERLOCK!_ - JW


	16. In Which John Is Smug

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* * *

You're an otter Sherlock! - JW

Have you opened that brandy from Mycroft? - SH

No Mycroft has brandy? Hmmmm I saw a picture. Fanart. Something called a meme? - JW

What the hell? - SH

Are you on Tumblr. again? We all know where that leads, don't we? - SH

To total insanity? Good job we r both already insane then. Here go to the website and search 'Sherlotter' - JW

John. In what way do I resemble a water-loving mammalian? Is there no end to this 'fan' madness? - SH

Well they have apparently matched ur facial expressions with that of an otter...Oh good Lord! Im a hedgehog! - JW

An apt description, especially concerning your hair in the mornings. But an otter for me, honestly? Where would they get that idea? - SH

Because you are tall, sleek and smart or something? How in the world should I know?! - JW

And no Im not being infected by the fangirls. I can be straight and still have functioning eyeballs. - JW

Well I should hope so. - SH

Fans are clearly crazy. Though I still have to say that the hedgehog one suits you perfectly; you should change it to your profile picture. - SH

Never in a million years Mr Otterlock! - JW

Otterlock? Where did you come up with such a bizarre and untruthful name? Don't tell me you've joined the dark side, John! _I_ certainly would never say anything of the sort. - SH

I wouldnt be so sure about that... - JW

And what is that supposed to mean? - SH

Oh nothing, nothing. - JW

John! - SH

Its just that next time you get yourself drugged and beaten by a dominatrix you might want to avoid the animal analogies and pirate slang...just a thought. - JW

I didn't do that...did I? - SH

Lestrade filmed it on his phone so I'm afraid you did. Maybe I should caption the hat picture with something like: _Mr Sherlotter on the way to his next case - and is he ever going in style_! - JW

Sherlotter? Hat? JOHN! - SH

I would! I so would do it! Havent gotten u back for the fright that bloody head in the fridge gave me that time! And that time with the fingers in the tea kettle And the dirty toenails in the sugar And the bloody damage to the wall that we are STILL paying off thanks to u & ur tantrums! - JW

But what about the fire _you_ set in the kitchen, the bloodstains on the carpet, and the axe-scar in the bannister? - SH

All created by you, I may add. - SH

What about them? Dont u go blaming that stuff on me now! Those were mostly your idea And people do normally bleed when they are hurt when running around after YOU on YOUR cases u know! - JW

You created the axe-scar last time you chased Mycroft out of the flat. Not that I blame you, he is rather annoying, but still; how is that my fault? - SH

Oh yeah? Then who made that ruddy great gouge on Mrs Hudsons table, huh? The ones that she has yet to forgive us 4? Wasnt here when I left for Tescos. Then when I came back from having that row with the chip and pin machine it was there! Looks suspiciously like it came from a sword...? - JW

The diamond folks didn't agree with me that the case was boring. - SH

No no wrong case It was before the 9 million quid jade pin case remember? Don't tell me youve deleted that! - JW

That is the case I was talking about, John. Do try to keep up. There was a slight altercation concerning terms and agreements. The swordsman got a bit overzealous and left that scratch on the table. It wasn't me. - SH

Hm And you never told me this because...? Same excuse for the sword I saw in the rubbish a few days after...? - JW

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, John. And why would I tell you? - SH

The same reason u should have told me that u had been bloody strangled! And youre supposed to be a genius! - JW

I was fine. There was no point in wasting time on the non-problem. - SH

U should know better by this point, Sherlock. Speaking of which - what are u doing? I thought we were going to meet Greg at the pub tonight. - JW

Need to purchase vodka. - SH

I hope u arent planning on getting drunk. We dont want a repeat of the Sherlotter incident, do we? - JW

Shut up. It's for a case. You want me to get rid of that scalp in the butter drawer, don't you? - SH

Scalp in the...SHERLOCK! Of COURSE I bloody well want you to get rid of it! - JW

Then you can go and meet Lestrade yourself and take part in that petty little pub quiz which is tailored to your average intellects as you please. I, however, have work to do. And don't expect me to indulge in your cooking tonight, either. I've never been fond of cabbage. - SH

Yeah Great I remember now I cannot compete with u and your MASSIVE INTELLECT can I?! - JW

No need to shout, doctor. What other horrors have you discovered on that hell hole known as Tumblr to make you so grouchy? More 'Johnlock' fanart? Do be careful; according to Mycroft that stuff can get rather racy (I think he's still sore about that Mystrade wallpaper we sent him the other day). - SH

Yeah. About that, Sherlock... - JW

Why were u using my Tumblr. account to look up Mystrade fanart? - JW

No reason. It was for an experiment. - SH

Oh? - JW

Yes. An experiment to see how much Mycroft can take before he either cracks or spontaneously combusts. The data will be fascinating. - SH

God help me! Just dont get yourself thrown in jail, thats all Im asking. We need that money to pay the rent. - JW

No promises. - SH


	17. In Which John Is Nagged

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* * *

John, I'm coming down to the surgery now... - SH

Why the hell are u gonna do that?! I thought today u were going to 'defrag' ur mind palace. - JW

Remember when you irritated that mafia man (the one you claimed was a 'giant') and he pulled a knife on us? - SH

Yeeee-eees? - JW

Well...Mrs Hudson is coming up the stairs right now and I'm not in the mood to be scolded for the stains of my blood that you got on her sofa while stitching me up. I can't concentrate! - SH

And u r coming to the surgery why exactly? - JW

I may have...torn something whenever I climbed out the kitchen window. It feels like its bleeding again and I know you'll yell if I don't get it checked out, so I thought I would spare us both the trouble. - SH

You MAY have hurt something?! Sarah will have to do stitch u up _(again)_ at the surgery. I am not allowed to operate on friends or anyone close to me in a public place. Its against the law. - JW

But _John! _Sarah is boring. Her conversation is dull! - SH

Oi! Thats my ex-girlfriend youre talking about there. And no I will not break the law _again _for you and your stupid mistakes I will not! - JW

It's your fault that I had to climb out of the window the least you could do is not subject me to your employer's annoying bedside manner. Show some compassion, _Doctor_ Watson! - SH

She tries to distract u from the pain she is causing u, Sherlock. She is trying to _help _u! - JW

Her inane prattle makes my brain hurt. How is that a help? - SH

*through such clenched teeth my jaw is sore* She is trying to _distract _u from the _pain! _And it is NOT my fault that u decided to be an idiot & tore ur stitches! How the HELL is it MY fault?! - JW

If she wanted to distract me she could try speaking in Latin...at least that would give me something to focus on. I thought doctors were supposed to be slightly intelligent! - SH

You got the blood on the couch. She was already nagging us about the dryer incident that happened because you forgot to change the lint trap and then put your jumpers through. Simple logic, John, I do hope you can follow it. - SH

Oh I can follow it alright! And u were spurting blood _everywhere! _What the HELL was I supposed to do?! Let u bleed to death because of Mrs Hudsons bloody (literally now) couch?! Oh and we doctors r more than 'slightly intelligent' u pillock! We have had to study for 12 more years after school to get where we are now! - JW

I would never know it from your typing skills. If you insist on making me wait for Sarah I could get an infection like you were squawking about last night. You should stitch me up now, _doctor_ before it stains my coat. And school was boring - the professors were all idiots. - SH

I dont squawk! - JW

John - I'm going to try and get a cab. Don't let Sarah anywhere near me with her needle! - SH

I am not allowed to do it! Dont u try to make me! D'you want Lestrade to come and arrest me or something?! - JW

We could break out of the cells again. At least that wouldn't be boring! - SH

No it wont And it wont be 'WE' it will be only ME! - JW

I've been longing to try out the Vulcan neck pinch for ages. Anderson is such a tempting target...with any luck he'll draw the short straw today and come along. It's been ages since I had to break out of jail. - SH

U do realise the Vulcan neck pinch does not actually properly exist right? But I agree with u there Anderson is the perfect target! - JW

See? If I did that we could break out of the cell together...after you stitch me up. I think the blood is clotting but my scarf is definitely ruined; you owe me a new one. I'm bored! This cabbie has his screen on and he seems to have a fascination with jewelry stock. - SH

You're supposed to focus on the road while driving. - SH

That's what you told me when we went to Baskerville. - SH

I think he must be a relation of Anderson's. - SH

John? - SH

Ok, ok! I will stitch u up! But NOT _in_ the surgery Ok? I really wish u would take better care of yourself And I know, I know, all the, to quote :"The thrill of the chase, the blood rushing through your veins. Just the two of us against the rest of the world" malarkey But really Please try and take better care of yourself? One day I'm not gonna be able to help u... - JW

Why wouldn't you? I'm not going anywhere again. - SH

Its ME who may be going somewhere Sherlock I am kinda aiming to not be a bachelor my whole life u know If I get married I cant live at Baker Street anymore We discussed this, u know that! - JW

Married? Why would you ever want to do that? - SH

Because thats what people like me NORMALLY do Sherlock. I am not like u, who is married to his work. Otherwise we are gonna be seen as a couple for the rest of our lives - d'you REALLY want that, huh? Besides I DO NOT wanna become like Harry. We cant all be greater-than-thou genius' who place themselves on an untouchable pedestle. Average people like myself have a life too u know. - JW

But do you really have to move out? - SH

Do u really want me and a dull, boring, mundane woman to be hanging around Baker Street? - JW

You yes. I could do without the dull, boring, mundane woman, though. You should choose better when selecting your mate if you want to be compatable. - SH

Oh God! I will take it as a compliment that u dont think me dull, boring, or mundane but do u realise that u sound like David Attenborough on that nature show, talking about a monkeys mating habits or something! - JW

Same basic mechanics and chemistry involved. I don't see the difference. - SH

Just... just... EWWWWW! Did u just compare me & my dating habits to some bloody monkey in some jungle in the middle of nowhere!? Thats low even for u, Sherlock! - JW

Perhaps. You're not so different as you would like to think - especially when it comes to your girls. The last one liked Connie Prince reruns, for God's sake! - SH

Ohhhhh Sherlock u had better hope that I blow off some steam before I see u again or I WILL be committing the perfect murder! U, me, a spade, a secluded area and thats that. Got it? - JW

Will you at least make it an interesting one, John? Don't be boring. - SH

And do stitch up my shoulder first...I'm afraid you'll have to take my coat to the dry cleaners. - SH

GOD! YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE! - JW

Raving is not good for your vocal chords. I need you fit for tonight. - SH

And this is why people think we r a couple. *sigh* What u gonna make me do now?! - JW

Stakeout. I think I've cracked where the hub of the mafia gang is - we're going to go down there and investigate before the Yard can blunder in and tip them off. - SH

Am I going to get any sleep tonight? I guess not. Oh well... - JW

Do try not to irritate a knifeman this time, John. I can't play the violin. These bloody stitches make it impossible to reach ninth position! - SH

Well shame! I have absolutely no sympathy for u right now. And I am not a monkey! - JW

Of course not. You have no tail. Maybe more like a chimpanzee...or a hedgehog? - SH

U know I am seeing more and more otterlike qualities coming through to u! - JW

Shut up, _Johnhog._ I'm here at the clinic...meet me in the alley out back with your needle and thread? - SH

Oh that is very hygeinic! (NOT!) But yeah I will Still wish you'd take care of yourself. - JW

Just bring the supplies, doctor. - SH


	18. In Which John Is Jailed

.

* * *

I HATE u, Sherlock! I told u we would be stuck in jail! Didnt I?! DIDNT I?! - JW

I have no recollection of this conversation. - SH

WTF? It was just the other day Are losing u ur memory as well as being bloody arrogant? - JW

I delete irrelevant information, John. You know that. Anyways; it's your fault we got caught. - SH

And why are you texting me from the other side of the cell? You always yell whenever I do that at home. - SH

MY fault we got caught?! It was YOUR coat that got caught when we tried to make a quick getaway. And I dont feel like speaking 2 u just now. D'you WANT me to punch u? Besides whatever I do u wont listen to me anyway u never have! - JW

I listen. Tuning out your voice is a very difficult thing to do, I've found. - SH

Then maybe u could actually DO some of the things I say...like not shooting the wall with the gun Im not supposed to have. - JW

What is your excuse then, doctor? The need to keep your aim sharp? - SH

No - MY excuse is that, thanks to my therapists diagnosis, Im not allowed on a shooting range. - JW

And that doesnt give u the right to steal my firearm, o unlicensed detective! - JW

Licences are boring. - SH

I REALLY hate it whenever u get bored. Thats what landed us in this stinking cell to begin with. - JW

The cell is not smelly. By jail standards it is actually quite comfortable. - SH

U would know better then I - JW

And its still your fault - JW

_My_ fault? How is it my fault? - SH

Hmmmm let me see... - JW

Maybe it was because YOUR boredom necessitated us breaking into the Yard, sneaking around security cameras, and picking the lock on Anderson's office just so u could leave him ur little present. - JW

The label was your idea. - SH

And I thought you enjoyed the sneaking. You were certainly giggling enough. - SH

I dont giggle. And I didnt realise that u were going to get us caught. - JW

My coat got caught. We can't all be hole-dwelling hobbits, John. - SH

*sigh* Of COURSE that would b the 1 piece of pop-culture u latch onto. Im too tired to yell anymore. This is just stupid. - JW

It was your idea to do it tonight. - SH

I thought theyd all be at the pub quiz didnt I and I saw those longing looks u were giving the nicotine patches. - JW

And you put the label on it. - SH

Ur not going to give that up, r u? Fine I thought it might be funny. I didnt know hed take it so badly. - JW

It was funny. - SH

His face was, wasnt it? - JW

If you two are quite finished sniggering like a pair of recalcitrant schoolboys, I have dispatched people to post your bail. This is becoming tedious, Sherlock, really you must stop breaking into official buildings; you have no idea what it does to the paperwork. - MH

Bug off, Mycroft! - JW

Go eat a fruitcake! - SH

Charming. Oh, and Doctor Watson? Next time you put a brain in a jar on Forensic Officer Gale Anderson's desk, please remember to capitalise the 'Abnormal' warning label and to use the Frankenstein Font - the joke only works if the comparison is easy to draw. - MH

Bloody Holmes'! - JW


	19. In Which John Is Furious

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* * *

John. They're touching my eyeballs! - SH

What is it now, Sherlock? And u have eyeballs at the flat again? Really? Thats... healthy - JW

Now is not the time for sarcasm, John. Lestrade is being an imbecile again. - SH

And Sally ruined the last experiment so I had to repeat it. Molly only gave me the specimens today. - SH

Lestrade is being an imbecile? according to who - u? - JW

According to anyone with half a brain! - SH

And I must do what about this exactly? - JW

Get back here right away and take care of it. They're going to take a knife to the wallpaper and you know how Mrs. Hudson is. - SH

I need the money for my chemicals. - SH

Sherlock I am at WORK! If I just up and leave they could just fire me Then what money will we have for your chemicals and cab fares and that little thing called food? None from u thats for sure! And I have NO power over Lestrade and his bloody crew of merry misfits! - JW

You could tell them that I am clean. - SH

Well when I first tried to do that, apparently u werent But u are clean now Cold turkey and all that. - JW

Yes, John. I told them that. They didn't believe me and started prying at the floorboards. - SH

Why are they here? We haven't nicked any evidence in months! - SH

Oh for Gods sakes! u mean YOU havent nicked any evidence. I only ever do it at your request, thank u very much! - JW

Possibly to irritate the crap out of u? - JW

... - JW

Anderson is a moron. - SH

You think I dont already know that? - JW

This cements it. He found your bag of powdered sugar and tried to take it in as evidence. As if I'd ever leave my stash laying about like that - I'd be insulted if I didn't know that there is no brain matter within his skull. - SH

He took my sugar as evidence? That bloody pillock Still dont understand how the hell he is a forensic officer. - JW

And youre not supposed to have a stash at all. Im doing my own drugs bust when I get home! - JW

He has relations in high places. And he happens to assigned primarily to the team that works with me. - SH

If only we all did... - JW

We have Mycroft, for all the good it does us. - SH

What else could they possibly take as incriminating evidence? We cleaned the flat yesterday. - JW

Under duress. - SH

They tried to confiscate the painkillers from your med kit. And they pulled the mattress off my bed. I shall have to disinfect everything lest Anderson's mental disease turn out to be catching. - SH

Painkillers?! WTF? Im a doctor for Gods sakes! Its legal to have painkillers if u had a perscription! - JW

They did find your perscription pad too. Lestrade didn't believe me when I told him that I was just using it to jot down notes. He's an idiot...I had a formula written right there. - SH

And yes Lestrade is a bloody idiot sometimes but so r u. Youre not supposed to use my pad for notetaking! I was looking for that! - JW

Lestrade is examining the bullet holes in the wall now, John. I _told_ you that it wasn't acceptable target practice to shoot playing cards out of the air. - SH

I shoot cards out of the air for target practice because Im not allowed on the shooting range...we discussed this before - please dont tell me u deleted it. 4 that matter, what about u & ur bloody horrible yellow smiley face that gets beaten up almost daily?! - JW

John - they're going upstairs to your room now. I'm sure Sarah will understand if you come now to save your mattress. They've completely destroyed my sock index. - SH

U & your bloody socks. Ive got nothing to hide. carrying my gun with me...Please dont tell me you have hidden something in MY room! U havent have u...? - JW

Just the metacarples from the last set of fingers...they're in your bedside chest of drawers until I make room in the bathroom. - SH

So thats what that smell... - JW

SHERLOCK! Oh hell. *facepalm* Its MY room! Hide as many damned fingers toes and God knows what else in YOUR room! Thats apparently what its there for since u barely sleep anyway! - JW

I sleep. I'm not a vampire, you know. - SH

When? U were sawing away at Ode to a Tortured Cat all night. Tell me exactly when last u actually slept? - JW

I laid down on the sofa this morning after you served up that dreadful wallpaper paste you call porridge. - SH

Ok maybe I should rephrase that. When last did u sleep in your BED?! And now I know what u think of my cooking... - JW

Beds are boring. - SH

Last time I saw u in ur bed was when I put u there when u got yourself drugged by Adler...and that was AGES ago! - JW

Must you always bring that up, John? As you said: 'that was AGES ago!'. - SH

Yes I do Sherlotter, captain of the Hispanolia! - JW

Shut up, John. That joke is becoming old. Still need to burn Lestrade's harddrive...he seems to think it is hilarious. - SH

Oh? u r going all childish over a 30 second video? - JW

I'm not childish! - SH

Yes u are - JW

Am not! - SH

They're looking in my drawers now. Lestrade seems to have spotted my badge collection...he's turning the oddest shade of vermilion. Need to investigate the correlation between spleen, blood-pressure, and skin colouration. - SH

Never mind that! I forgot to move that bloody Serbian Scythe Shopper cold case that u solved in 2 secs flat!  
And I havent told Lestrade u steal his cold case files when u r really bored Have u? - JW

Of course not, John. Don't be stupid. Oh. He's making an odd choking sound now and waving the file at me. Maybe you should come home in case he needs CPR. - SH

Aw shit! Now what? Sarahs not going to let me go, yknow. We r really busy. - JW

He's sent his team outside and is swearing at me. Seems angrier than if he _had_ found my stash. Hmmm...would the phrase 'madder than a hornet' apply here? - SH

Sherlock...WHAT STASH?! - JW

Just for emergencies. Don't worry, they'll never find it. - SH

SHERLOCK!? WHAT EMERGENCIES?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO COLD TURKEY?! - JW

I refuse to believe that Mycroft hasn't given you the 'danger night' speech. Really, he is so predictable it is tedious! - SH

Dont bring bloody Mycroft into this! YOU. TALK. TO. ME. NOW. ABOUT. THIS. "STASH" ! - JW

Are you angry at me, John? It's just the last remnants of an era. Haven't needed it for a while...but it stops me from being bored whenever Lestrade is being particularly difficult. I have it under control. Like I said; only for emergencies. - SH

And do you really think that this is a conversation we should be having over the phone? - SH

Yes I am very angry with you you moron! I am seriously trying to think up more creative ways to kill u other than piutting a bullet through your brain! You are going to burn that stash to ash u hear me? And I couldnt give a monkeys arse how or where we talk about it, u r just scared ur brother is hacking into this conversation and he'll run and tell on u 2 ur Mummy! - JW

Mummy has been dead for ten years, John. Do try to keep up. - SH

Well Id know if u actually TOLD me wouldnt I? - JW

Lestrade is leaving. But he took your medkit with him. Says you'll have to go and get it back in person. Oh - and I think Anderson tripped on the way out and faceplanted into the street. With any luck someone filmed it and I can hack their phone. And Mycroft told you about Mummy, you just weren't listening. Plus I think my hair folicle experiment is starting to ripen. And I hid your bullets for you, John, so those fools didn't find them. So you can stop yelling at me now. - SH

Finally! No fair! My Med kit is pretty much a First Aid Kit! Would he take a FAKit from any other place he was busting?  
I want that video too once you get it. Soon as I get home i want my bullets Savvy? And being mad at you has turned into a sport...! - JW

So we don't need to have that discussion? - SH

Oh no, u r not getting off that easy! And I am getting Mrs H involved now too! - JW

_John! - _SH

Dont go all whingey on me now Sherlock. We are TRYING to help u! - JW

I never whinge. - SH

Yes u do. U just did! - JW

Shut up, John. This argument is going nowhere. I'm going to go try and fix my sock drawers. - SH

Fine u do that. Good day! - JW


	20. In Which John Is Teased

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* * *

Sherlock what the HELL have u done 2 my phone? ? - JW

Whatever are you talking about, John? - SH

Why the BLOODY HELL is there some bloody song about Hobbits as my bloody ringtone? - JW

I have not the pleasure of understanding you - of what are you speaking? - SH

WHEN I HAVE SOMEONE CALLING ME IT HAS THIS, THIS, THIS... SONG SINGING ABOUT HOBBITS AT ME! - JW

Oh. _That_. You should keep it, John. Suits you perfectly. - SH

WHY? - JW

You look like one. Besides - I thought you told me not to delete that inane and illogical Star Trek trivia you filled my mind with for that one case. (And I still say that The Geek Interpreter is a pathetic title). - SH

Is this a jibe at my smallness? Because if it is...*so mad cannot type or think coherently anymore* - JW

Clearly that last statement was not true, given the fact that you took the time to find the asterix key. - SH

You... you... oh you! - JW

That's right...the term is 'I am me and you are you'. - SH

Please just explain to me WHY THE HELL AM I A HOBBIT?! Im not that short! - JW

Do you remember that case where we got captured by the mafia? - SH

Which time? As far as I can recall we have been captured by them at least five times, not counting the smuggling ring that we tipped the Yard off about! - JW

The time you pissed off the guard with the knife. The one you claimed was a 'giant'. - SH

Yeeeeeeeeah? - JW

He was 5'9. - SH

I was concussed! - JW

I still fail to see how you could possibly think that a man under 6 feet tall was a giant. Conclusion: you must be a hobbit. - SH

We can't all be impossibly tall, hopelessly lanky, and unbearably rude gits, now can we? And he looked bigger because of the light. - JW

No he didn't. You're just short. - SH

And look on the bright side; at least it wasn't that dreadful falsetto sound Anderson uses. - SH

I am getting u back for this Oh I know the perfect ringtone for YOU! - JW

Oh really, John? What has your imagination dreamed up that you suppose I should make an effort to be afraid? - SH

JUSTIN BEIBER! Hes that artist from the states that the girls are going crazy for. Literally crazy - youd have to be in order to enjoy him. Imagine someone calls u and all that can be heard is _"Baby baby baby ohhhhh like baby baby baby nooooo!"_ coming tinnily out of ur phone?! - JW

We already hear that every time someone texts Anderson. Is that really the worst you can do, John? - SH

Okay then Miley Cyrus warbling out Wrecking Ball at the top of her lungs? - JW

Miley Cyrus? You mean that vapid and immature female that the newscasters have been going on about instead of reporting murders? Which one is she again? - SH

You watch entirely too much crap telly, John. - SH

Hannah Montana? Remember from the fanfiction girl? She was the star of that show. Now shes the one who sits naked on a wrecking ball licking a hammer. - JW

Why the hell were you watching that, John? Don't you have better things to be doing (like picking up those livers from Molly for me - don't think I've forgiven you for that oversight. I lost a whole day on that experiment thanks to your tardiness.)? - SH

What the hell? I dont watch it! I just actually pay attention to the world around me. And Ive got better things to do than pick up dead body parts from ur... person who prefers the deads company over the livings! What music do u atually like Sherlock? - JW

I am disappointed that you actually have to ask that question, John Watson, when I play it nearly every day of the week in an effort to alleviate boredom in a way that won't result in either Mrs. Hudson or you shouting at me. - SH

No u dont PLAY You strangle an already dying cat! - JW

I guess I won't have to bother with the Nocturnes next time you have a nightmare then if you find my playing so offensive. - SH

You...URGH! - JW

By the way, John - what did you do with my box of disguises? I thought I left it behind my bedroom door. - SH

Wellllllll They were looking a little grubby So Mrs H dropped them off at the cleaners... - JW

What? Those police jackets aren't supposed to leave this flat! If Lestrade gets wind of it he'll confiscate them again. Do you have any idea how much work it was to acquire them in the first place (and to find one to fit you)? - SH

Whatever *shrugs* You shouldnt be stealing stuff anyway...! - JW

It isn't stealing if they practically beg you to do it. That's what you said whenever we took Mycroft's brolly and his people chased us all over the city. - SH

Um hello?! Inanimate objects dont talk u idiot! _And_ Im pretty sure Greg has never asked u to steal his stuff...quite the opposite, actually. - JW

I'm not an idiot. And if Lestrade conducts another drugs bust to find the other stuff we've 'nicked' it's all your fault! - SH

Besides; we needed those jackets for the Blue Car Boot case. - SH

WHY THE HELL IS IT MY BLOODY FAULT NOW?! You stole them and practically shoved me into it. - JW

Because you made me give back Mycroft's ID card and wouldn't let me shoot out the locks. - SH

I still say we could have outrun the guards. - SH

*facepalm* *sigh* What do u want me to do then? - JW

Get down there and get the jackets back before Lestrade gets wind of it! You can rescue my makeup kit from the tuxedo while you're at it. - SH

I am on my way, Your Highness of Hissy Fits! - JW

Juvenile insults, John. You've been spending far too much time with Miss Miley Cyrus. - SH

Whatever. I know it still bothers u whatever u say - JW

It most certainly does not! - SH

It does Im not stupid u know - JW

Where do you get that idea? - SH

Got ur stuff. Why do u own a fifty-shade eyeshadow set? No, that was rhetorical...I dont really want to know. Anything u want from Tescos while Im thinking about it? - JW

Milk. And rat poison. - SH


	21. In Which John Is Vengeful

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* * *

I suppose you thought that was funny, John. Well we all know what happens when you try to be witty, don't we? - SH

Remind me what I did this time again? - JW

It isn't nice to snatch people's phones while they're in the shower. Isn't that what you're always yelling at me about? - SH

Ohh right that And what have I done that has put ur panties such in a twist? - JW

What have you done? John - how many times must I tell you that I have little interest in your strange fetish for teenage female pop music from the States? - SH

Aaaaaah My little act of revenge not 2 your liking? Makes a lovely ringtone for u dontcha think? - JW

Lovely ringtone...? I am capable of many things, John, but empathising with a stupid fifteen year old girl is not one of them. What possessed you? - SH

Shes 22 actually. What possessed me? Let me count the ways... - JW

Stealing from Elizabeth Barrett Browning doesn't make this sin any more pardonable, Doctor Watson. - SH

She's twenty-two? Why the hell is she writing drivel like this then? When _I_ was twenty-two I had already left uni and was working on discovering a new element! - SH

Yeah? Well u were a genius, werent you. She lives on her 'everyday girl next door' persona so shes crying on her guitar and trying to find The One. What dont u like about it? - JW

Really, John? 'The One' and all that romantic drivel you like to quote to your girlfriends? Must you throw that about?

Yes really Sherlock. And just cos shes a teen and female doesnt mean shes incapable of doing her own thing! And I think she is fairly talented actually. - JW

This is just because Alissa likes to listen to American Country, isn't it. - SH

None of ur business. C'mon! Least its not Anderson and Donovan singing a duet!

I'm not sure Anderson is capable of anything other than blithering idiocy (though in that case he might fit in perfectly with this abomination). As to what I don't like - everything about this massacre of human intelligence rubs me the wrong way. And the second 'gift' is even worst! The Scarlet Letter? I would have thought that any woman would go out of her way to avoid being referred to as such, given Sally's reactions over the years. - SH

U just dont like it because shes American, right? What do u have against them anyway? - JW

John. It has nothing to do with the fact that she is American (she's not associated with the CIA) and everything to do with the fact that she references both _Romeo and Juliet _and _The Scarlet Letter _in a way that makes it clear she has never even read a summary of either story. It wouldn't matter if she was male, female, or martian - that just makes her carelessly stupid. Has she no pride? Besides, the fact still stands that I and the majority of the world's population could care less what teenage girls go through in high school. How does that relate to me? - SH

Oh yes, because the world revolves around u - JW

Well Miss Swift seems to think it revolves around her falsely difficult life and cute little smiles. She's making _my_ life difficult by sounding out with her juvenile and nonsensical lyrics every time someone texts me! - SH

It was an act of revenge u pillock, not an invitation to a philosophical debate. I was trying to irritate the crap out of u and try to get back for all the things u have done to ME! - JW

To you? What have I ever done to you? - SH

Oh here we go... Dont act all innocent on me Mr Sherlock Holmes Maybe I should write a list... Would that help?! - JW

You wouldn't. - SH

Oh ho I sooooo would! - JW

Later, John. For now I need you to run down to the store and pick me up some oysters. - SH

What the hell? Oysters? I take it thats not what u r craving for dinner is it? - JW

I'm working on a case, John. You know my policy about eating while I am working. Besides - I had dinner on Monday. I need to investigate what sort of splatter pattern a dish of appetisers would make if shot the range of two meters with a 50 caliber shotgun. - SH

Yeah yeah digestion slows u down yadda yadda yadda...MONDAY?! You do realise its Friday, right? If u dont eat today tomorrow itll be nearly a whole WEEK of u not having eaten anything! - JW

Lies. You made me eat toast on Wednesday. - SH

What the hell? I didn't know u were going on another 1 of ur bloody hunger strikes against crime! - JW

You worry too much, John. The _average_ human body is more than capable of lasting at least 22 days without food. I know what I'm capable of. I did survive for years before you came along to nag me, remember. - SH

U had Mrs H before me, & shes become almost like your surrogate Mother...dont deny it - I have eyes. I KNOW she took care of u before I came along otherwise youd be dead from starvation by now. - JW

I'm not a child, John. - SH

Whatever Sherlock. U really are shirty today! Excuse us for worrying about u or even TRYING 2 help u! - JW

No need to get all huffy. Just get my oysters. And can I borrow your gun? There's a bolt of calico that I need to investigate. - SH

Yeah whatever. Even if I say no youre still gonna get/steal it arent u? - JW

You told me to ask first or else, and I quote, _"I will throw out every damn experiment in this bloody flat and tell Mrs. Hudson where you hid her vacuum bags!"_ - SH

Threats NEVER work on u...Dont pretend NOW youre actually gonna listen to me...! - JW

Mrs. Hudson is already mad at me for borrowing a couple of her soothers when I ran out of patches yesterday. - SH

U used her soothers when u ran out of patches?! SHERLOCK! - JW

You flushed my emergency stash down the toilet. - SH

FOR A REASON! That stuff is DANGEROUS & ILLEGAL! - JW

I know. You only shouted at me for an hour and twelve minutes...but did you have to throw out the cigarettes too? - SH

U timed me? Oh for the love of...! And YES I did need to chuck out the cigarettes to! Of course I did! U may think breathing is boring, but Im a doctor and I say its important. - JW

I need them. This is a real wonderful puzzler and Lestrade has been nagging me. - SH

I thought u needed them when u were bored Not to help u with a case At least ... not often! - JW

Three patch problem, John. Do try to keep up. - SH

*mutters* I am pretty much running already! - JW

Well maybe if your legs were longer... - SH

So - oysters. Make sure they're in red wine vinegar. Without garlic. - SH

Thanks for that u long legged git! Red wine vinegar? Seriously, what difference would it make? Fine fine... *grumblegrumble cant just be a normal type grumblegrumble has to be special!* Ill get ur bloody oysters. - JW

Oh. And could you stop by the music shop and pick up some rosin for me? Mine cracked this morning. Grade A light. Any brand but the cheapest. Use my card. - SH

Ohhhhkay Anything else u wanna add to that list, sir? - JW

Milk? - SH

Sarcasm is really lost on u isnt it? *shakes head* - JW

Well you used the last of it this morning. The least you could do is replace it. - SH

Im not even going to go into the hypocrisy of that...Whatever! Anyway Im off shopping for YOU now Cant really text and shop at the same time... - JW

Why not? You only ever use one finger anyway. - SH

Sherlock...lets just say that I prefer not to go swishing and swaggering my way down the aisles, bowling over little old ladies and innocent children as I go 'cause my face is glued to my precious phone. Got it? - JW

I don't do that. - SH

Yeah u do. - JW


	22. In Which John Is Insulted

.

* * *

What u think of last nights film, Sherlock? - JW

That should be: _"What _did you _think of last night's film..?"_ - SH

Whatever. Fine. What _did you _think of last nights film? - JW

What film? - SH

Dont u remember u scatterbrain?! - JW

What film are you talking about? Of which one are you speaking, John - the intolerably long one about a computer world or the nonsensical take on the times of the pirates? - SH

The one about the pirates...u didnt like it I take it? - JW

It...wasn't as abhorrent as the other one. Really - John! What is there possible to like about those coats you wouldn't shut up about? Why should I care if some overpaid actors are pretending to cry, fight, and otherwise make absolute fools of themselves all for some crap movie that probably wasn't the great advancement in 'special effects' that everyone raves on about. Hyperbole should be one of the seven deadly sins. Why did you make me sit through The Materix...or whatever its called? My brain is suffering and you threw away my patches. - SH

Someones wordy today... - JW

But u gotta admit it was better than ur murdering a cat or shooting the bloody wall! - JW

When have I ever eviscerated a feline, John? Tempting as it is at times, particularly whenever Molly disturbs my thought process by rambling on about that furry horror she calls 'Toby' I don't believe I've ever gone through with it. - SH

Oh God! Anyone tell u u are way 2 literal? I meant ur violin playing... - JW

That has been mentioned before, yes. Lestrade slurred it at me once whenever a suspect drugged him with several milligrams of an unknown cocktail. And is my violin playing really that bad? I thought you liked the La Grotesque piece. You certainly always come downstairs whenever I play it... - SH

I do hope u got a vid of high!Lestrade. I still owe him 4 arresting us that last time. As 4 ur playing - put the emphasis on GROTESQUE! I come down 2 tell u to shut the hell up! - JW

Oh - is that what you were mouthing at me and flapping your hands about. I thought you were being attacked by those giant spiders you were dreaming about the other night. - SH

And I don't have it any more. I was forced to use it as a bargaining chip for the Belgravia video that he threatened to make 'go viral'. A loss for the nation, I'm sure. - SH

Spiders? No no thats just Ron dreaming in one of the Harry Potters that I - um sorry - WE watched the other day & I am not even gonna bother asking u if u remember. U already voiced ur displeasure at it at the end of the 1st one! - JW

You mean the series with the skinny kid who lives with his outrageously bloated relations? - SH

With the glasses and scar yes - JW

The tortuously long 'epic' you forced me to sit through last time you claimed I had a cold? Unfortunately I have yet to discover how to delete it. Why _did_ you think it was exciting to watch spotty teenagers wave sticks around and shout bogus Latin at Computer Generated Images? - SH

Geeze Is there anything u dont hate? - JW

I don't hate you, for some odd reason that I have yet to discern. All data from past experiences says that you should loath me and vice versa. It is an ongoing experiment that never seems to lose dimensions. Mrs. Hudson is also rather...tolerable to spend time with. - SH

Are we ur lab rats or something? - JW

And you say _I_ take things too literally? All that matters to me is the work, John. Everything else is just transport and white noise...and that includes your crap teen fiction movies. - SH

CRAP TEEN FICTION?! Ill have u know that Harry Potter is 1 of the defining icons of this generation! Dont compare it to the likes of Twilight or...or EastEnders! - JW

Why would I waste space in my Mind Palace for _that_? - SH

EXACTLY! See, I try 2 show u some quality television...something other than the crime dramas u cant last thirty seconds without spoiling or insulting...and what do u do? Be a prat about it! - JW

So what is on the menu for this Saturday night, o short tormentor - Batman? Disney? That outdated fantasy crap you call Doctor What? - SH

Short Tormentor...? God how the hell have I lived w/u this long?! Doctor Who u idiot! Doctor WHO! And its not crap its awesome and has been popular longer than u have been alive! Insult Harry Potter all u like but dont u TOUCH Doctor Who! - JW

John. The main character is a curly-haired, scarf-wearing, egotistical jerk. How is that 'awesome'? - SH

*snort* (Looked in the mirror lately?) & ur point is...? - JW

He travels about charming women and babbling on about things no one around him can understand. I don't get the appeal. You say this is a cultural icon? I weep for England! - SH

U pillock. The overall story is good, the lead is FAR less annoying than u, & I... I like the blue of the TARDIS... - JW

The ladies are nice too... XD Leela was really quite something. - JW

Oh John. How I envy you and your commonplace desires! How fulfilling it must be to be able to switch off your brain and indulge in the dregs of creative society, to wallow in the mire of mainstream stupidity, and to bow under the brainwashing of the establishments. - SH

U r asking 2 be punched again, Holmes. Only the fact that u r dead wrong and I can now hold it over u is in ur favour. - JW


	23. In Which John Is Tied Up

.

* * *

I do believe that we have finally found someone with less grey matter than Anderson, John. Wonders never cease! - SH

No they dont do they? I wish u hadnt accepted this case. And why is the idiot asking about my job? Who cares if I work in pediatrics or general? Hes not 1 of my patients. - JW

I accepted the case because you vetoed my mushroom and selenium experiment. How was I supposed to know it was a setup? - SH

Youre the genius Consulting Detective here! - JW

There's only so much I can deduce from an email, John - even one with such a stupid address as brolly7% ! - SH

People are strange. - JW

Oh - I think they want you to procure some sort of drug for them (at least that's what I'm assuming those barely intelligable grunts are supposed to mean).

Hes just trying to sound tough. And why would I prescribe medicine for someone who clearly isnt sick (physically)? - JW

I should know. I tried. - SH

Are u still sore about that? - JW

You slapped my hand! - SH

Like I was a toddler! - SH

And...? - JW

Shut up. They don't stand a chance anyway. - SH

Yeahhhh. And now they are asking u about ur drug habits. How the hell do they even know about that? - JW

It isn't exactly a secret, John. I had to buy them from somewhere... - SH

Ummmm, yeah. Ok. Gotta say though The big one is very ugly And that is a very interesting tattoo... - JW

Is it a bikini or a caterpillar of the _Apatura iris_ species? - SH

Excuse me, what? - JW

I can't quite see around his triceps...your angle is better. What is it a tattoo of? - SH

I think a caterpillar...I see something like antennae. Remind me what has this got to do with anything? - JW

Might help in a conviction. Besides - I'm bored. His threats are decidedly unimaginative. - SH

Quite unimaginative. Snipers in the war had more imagination than this lot...! - JW

It is...a tattoo of... Is that a deerstalker? With a pipe with smoke coming out of it? - JW

WHAT? John, tell me that he doesn't have a tattoo of That Hat. - SH

Sorry, cant do that. It is a deerstalker with, um, HOLMES written on the brim, and a pipe, with what looks like tobacco smoke coming out of it... - JW

Dear God! Why can I never be free of that abomination that tries to pass itself off as headgear? - SH

Well...u grabbed it first! - JW

It was that or the Fedora. - SH

Ooo...he's threatening us with dental extraction now, John. How dull! It is clear that he has neither the stomach nor the tools for such a move, no matter how many Ear Hat tattoos he possesses. I don't even like that hat! - SH

The fans have connected it to you...DEAR GOD! These are _fans_ not the bloody mafia who are holding us! The fanart and fanvids I could take (even the ones using soppy love songs) but kidnapping? Thank GOD most of 'em arent quite this insane... - JW

Judging by the tattoo, I'd say that someone has been reading entirely too much fanfiction...though he didn't get it in the right place. - SH

Nope. No - just stop right there. I said I didn't want to know where I have this tattoo, remember? Or was this a new fanfiction u used MY computer to look up? *quirks eyebrow* We really need to stop this Its taking over our lives...quite literally! - JW

I was bored one day...and your passwords are getting worse and worse. Besides - I needed something to send to Mycroft in interest of furthering my experiment. - SH

Dare I ask...:What experiment? - JW

Testing his mental health and restraint. - SH

Oh my God OH MY GOD! I know u dislike ur brother, but surely sending links to some of those Mystrade fanfics is going a little too far? - JW

Nothing is going too far. Mycroft leaked a few particularly explicit gifs of you and I to the public as revenge for those bakery coupons I sent him for his birthday. They've 'gone viral' as the term is. - SH

WHAT?! What gifs? What r we doing? HOW CAN THE GIT DO THAT?! U know what? Send him as much Mystrade as u bloody well want! Fat manipulator is fueling the rumour mill! - JW

I will, thank you. Haven't you seen them? I thought for certain that Harry would have sent you some of them - she does take such strange pleasure in this 'fandom' nonsense. - SH

I havent seen them & I dont intend to either. - JW

John, I think we're making this Neanderthal a bit angry. - SH

Ow. I guess we ignored him for too long. But did he really have to slap me? How unoriginal. - SH

Hope he cuts his hand on ur cheekbones... - JW

He's redder in the face than Lestrade was last time he found a file we confiscated. At least anger is interesting. - SH

Well, lets make him angrier shall we? Maybe he will slip up and I can jump him. - JW

I thought you were supposed to be the rational one. Lestrade will be horrified that I've corrupted you...oh well; his reaction should be fascinating. - SH

U didnt corrupt me. - JW

Ear Hat Tattoo is babbling on about something we aren't doing right now. Something about_ 'How DARE you continue to defy my ship?!'_...how can he have a ship if he's clearly not a sailor (not the right callouses on his hands)? - SH

Ummmmm I dont think he means ship as in, to sail. I think he means something entirely different...havent u come across this in ur research. Or did u delete it? - JW

Spit it out, John. You're turning redder than Mycroft at a wine convention. - SH

Well Ummmm How to describe this...? - JW

Doctor Watson. Judging by your complexion and the fact that Thug's girlfriend seems to have a 'Johnlock 4EVAH!' tattoo just on her neckline is this another one of those improbable and foolish fan things that have given me so much mirth over the past few weeks? - SH

Yes it is...Ummmm Well ships are basically the relationships fans support or hope for. Dear God we have to get out of here before they make us do something with each other we will regret...Evidently they ship Johnlock...or at least the girl does. - JW

She's hardly a girl. I suppose we should be grateful that they are not intelligent enough to think of taking our phones. On the other hand...Ear Hat Tattoo looks rather miffed that we're still not listening to his monologue. And Gods, John. Why is it that females seem to think that taking off clothing will disguise them better? Johnlock Tattoo keeps giving me strange looks. - SH

Yeah tell me about it. And I was hoping Adler would be the first and last time I would feel this uncomfortable around women & this time I dont even have a napkin!. What the HELL IS she doing? She looks like she wants to eat u up! EW! - JW

Thank you, John. I wouldn't think that you of all people would be delicate about dinner...good lord! How many tattoos can be on a woman?

At least it will make convicting them easier... - SH

Evidently quite a few What can u deduce from them? - JW

That they are idiots. - SH

Well even I know that. Ok. What about the bloke...what can u deduce about him? - JW

The male is young - the age to have just left university if he possessed the brain cells to attend or finish - and is clearly a 'fan' of your blog. His father was a skilled craftsman of some sort - could be a carpenter but more likely worked with leather and cloth so probably some sort of custom tailor. That father is dead...no - just in an old folk's home. - SH

And could this be used to our advantage in any way? - JW

If you're just going to interrupt... - SH

Sorry. Shutting up now. Carry on. - JW

This young man suffers from mild rheumatoid arthritis in his left knee (_his _limp is real) that flares up every time the weather changes. He has a sister who has decided that she is destined to be an artist and moved to...Venice, I believe. He works as an IT tech for one of the local digital printing places, but feels that his job is going nowhere - hence why he tries to es - SH

cape into fiction. Clearly he is an avid reader of your blog (and probably the 'inspired' fanworks as well) but has allowed his obsession to move past passion and into near-insanity. Clearly he is delusional, given the fact that he and his girlfriend went to all the trouble to kidnap us. Really, John, if you hadn't had reservations about hitting a girl we wouldn't be in this situation. This isn't the schoolyard. - SH

Thank you for that lovely comparison Really appreciate it. Oh wait. Actually no. I dont And I wasnt going to hit her - I didnt know she was the enemy. What if I was to kick this bloke in the knee next time he comes close..? - JW

Pointless. The female has tear gas stowed in her brassiere and is just unhinged and nervous enough to use it. - SH

Cant u just say "bra" like us regular mortals? And I REALLY hope that Mycroft isnt hacking this 1...Tear gas? Great. So what the hell are we gonna do now? - JW

They want to murder Anderson. I say we join forces. They should be easy to frame... - SH

No. I draw the line at murdering Anderson. Think of the paperwork Lestrade will foist on us! - JW

I'm bored. Give me something else to deduce. - SH

Okay. They are rather boring, arent they? How about we play "Truth or Dare"? Or maybe 4 u it should be Deduction or Dare? =) - JW

How would the 'Dare' part work as, in my experience, it involves taking a certain amount of shots of something. We are tied up and I'm fairly certain that Ear Hat Tattoo is in no mood to share that lethal brew he calls Budweiser with us, even if he hadn't already spilled half of it down his jacket. - SH

I dont even want to know what those were 'shots' of at this point...and I wouldnt want to share his Bud with him anyway That stuff is nasty! No, I would probably just dare u 2 say ugly things to them. Just to see what happens...? - JW

Fine. I'm bored. You start. - SH

Ok. Deduction or Dare? - JW

Deduction. - SH

Of course you'd choose that wouldnt u? Deduce who sat on ur chair before u did... - JW

Clearly someone who is rather fond of the parfume eu d'oillet from Sabrina Layler's new line - probably a woman, though it could be man...nope; definitely a woman. She was roughly four foot eleven (just your size) and very fond of Vera Wang knock-off jewelry...most likely in plated gold. Most likely she works in a bank or a similar job that required her to use her hands in contact with copious amounts of paper and people. Oh - it was not our two kidnappers who bound here her; unless they're into bondage and blood kinks, which is highly unlikely. She also wore platform high heels that were probably dark blue. - SH

Wow Thats amazing I am not gonna even ask how u knew all that Tell me anyway? Then its my turn... - JW

The perfume is easy - even Anderson with a sinus infection could smell the lingering traces. Given the impression left on the seat cushion when they plonked me into it, the original individual probably weighed about 110 pounds. Could be a young boy - but what young boy has money for that type of perfume (or would go through with wearing it and high heels)? There are scratches in the chair arm with traces of gold colouring caught in them - not paint, but actual gold leaf/plate and given the apparent weight, size, and shape of the ring it wasn't hard to deduce what - SH

brand. The elegant, yet non-restrictive choice suggests that she had to use her hands in her work...but the fact that she is _wearing _the jewelry and perfume suggests that she doesn't do heavy work for a living and regularly interacts with people as well as papers - so bank or secretary/legal assistant it is. The shoes have left distinctive scuff marks on the legs of this chair - showing the rough shape of the sole as well as her estimated height which is certainly under five feet. As for the binding...we are bound with telephone chord, she clearly used chains and who goes to all that trouble if not for a fetish? - SH

:O 0.o - JW

You are ever so articulate, doctor. - SH

Well thank u, detective. I choose Dare... - JW

Tell these two Morons that we know about what they did on her Mother's kitchen table last Thursday...no - _Friday_ night after indulging in his Grandmother's bath crystals. - SH

Why do u always find those sort of things out? - JW

Well, that was fun Their blushing is the most peculiar shade I have ever seen on a human face...including Anderson and his girlfriend. I forget that some people arent so immune to ur deductions. - JW

The bad news is that my lip is bleeding now. Damn. - JW

Your lip will clot. And they rivaled Lestrade whenever I picked the lock on his flat one Valentine's Day. - SH

Eeeeeeeeeeewwwww SHERLOCK! - JW

_Thats_ where I draw the line! - JW

What? Just because he was trying to disguise the place that he had sampled one of his wife's chocolates (absently in the office, he insists) by tying a ridiculously floppy, sickeningly pink bow around the increasingly sticky thing - that isn't any more disgusting than some of the things you've found in my fridge. - SH

Nevermind. Whatever. Just... ew. Do u choose Deduction again? - JW

Naturally. Dares are boring. - SH

*rolls eyes* Deduce where u think we r. - JW

It is hard to pinpoint an exact district, given the lack of soil in the vicinity and the fact that your sudden attack of chivalry meant that I didn't have use of any of my senses during our transportation, but I can safely say that we are in the cellar of an unused block of low rent flats - most likely on the end of the row. They dragged us in through a chain-link fence (you'll have to take my jacket to the cleaner's...they seem to have taken my coat) and down a flight of wooden stairs with peeling yellow lead-based paint. This site used to be the home of a small drug operation - heroin, most likely, and has since been abandoned to the tender mercies of the graffiti artists. - SH

Wow again 0.o Hang on...Why are we being dragged along again? This isnt normal is it? - JW

& I know its bad when theres a 'normal' kidnapping scenario... - JW

Judging by what I can decode amidst the grunts of exertion and curses they are quite annoyed that we are ignoring them. - SH

No shit, Sherlock. - JW

Why is the female dragging _me_? I don't want to smell the hamburger and onion she ate for lunch mixed with her cheap 'Cotton Candy' Body Fantasy spray that smells more like antiseptic than spun sugar! - SH

Ah, well Its a tough world Besides doing this is loads more fun than I thought...The texting and ignoring I mean The rest is irritating! They just banged my foot against something hard... - JW

I know. That was my knee. - SH

She used Bed Head hairspray this morning...no wonder she looks like Mycroft after he stuck a fork into the toaster! Why can't she drag you instead? That stuff reeks! - SH

Mycroft stuck a fork in the toaster? :D Wish I was there to see it! No amount of hairspray could control that mop of hers! I dont like to judge on appearances but... - JW

& u dont want the guy. His (I think its cologne) smells like my high school gym socks after I wore them for a day! - JW

That _would_ be malodorous. - SH

Whatever. OW! What the HELL r they doing now?! - JW

Brace yourself, John. We look to be heading up the stairs. Could get bumpy. - SH

COULD get bumpy?! Ow! My old shoulder wound! Dammit! - JW

Sorry, John. I did warn you. If you can reach - brace your feet against the chairlegs...it helps. - SH

I can reach. Thanks. That does help. Sounds like hollow wood underfoot now...all I can see is the back of the building bobbing up and down. R we being dragged down a wharf? Whats one even doing here? Surely we would have heard it? - JW

John. Do you have a pocket knife? - SH

Course I was an Army man. I always have 1. Why do u sound so panicky? - JW

Don't be alarmed...but I think they're going to throw us off the end of this wharf. - SH

DON'T BE ALARMED?! What the HELL? SHERLOCK? DAMMIT! - JW

* * *

**TBC...**

_This one...got away from us. We're splitting it up into two parts in favour of churning things out more regularly .The second part isn't quite done yet, but I wanted something to post today. Anyway; I hope you enjoyed it. Part 2 should hopefully be done soon._


	24. In Which John Is Dunked

.

* * *

**Previously: **

_John. Do you have a pocket knife? - SH_

_Course I was an Army man. I always have 1. Why do u sound so panicky? - JW_

_Don't be alarmed...but I think they're going to throw us off the end of this wharf. - SH_

_DON'T BE ALARMED?! What the HELL? SHERLOCK? DAMMIT! - JW_

* * *

Sherlock what the HELL do we do now?! - JW

Ow! I don't know, do I have to think of everything? - SH

U r the Great Detective with the huge brain arent u?! - JW

Figure out a way to get us outa here! - JW

I thought you said you have a pocket knife. - SH

If they are really such big fans of us...why are they throwing us in the Thames? Why would fans like to torture the object of their affection? It seems counter-intuitive. - SH

We've already established that little about fans is logical, Sherlock. Heres my knife. Maybe theyre smoking something stronger than cigarettes...? - JW

Do you think? - SH

Dont even entertain the idea! As soon as I get these ropes cut Im going to smack u again! Do u just say those things to fray my nerves?! - JW

...why have we stopped moving? - JW

The chimpanzees are grunting. Can you translate? - SH

Kinda busy right now...I dunno. Something about we r getting too heavy? - JW

Something along that line is what I heard too. I _told _you that I didn't need to do the cocoa and crackers last night... - SH

There is no way that a cuppa and a cheese biscuit have made u gain weight! - JW

And u could probably use it anyway. - JW

Tell that to the gymphobiac who is currently panting down my neck. I'm going to need a shower when we get home. - SH

U do realise that u sound like a teenage girl? Dont think u need to wait that long, judging by their expressions...though it seems it may be a bath rather than a shower... - JW

...gggdg... - JW

Holy crap! Ive managed to get one of my legs loose and this moron still hasnt noticed! - JW

He's too busy arguing and eyeing up the Johnlock 4Evah tattoo, never fear. - SH

Oh yuck! Working on my arms now. Ow. - JW

Did The Hulk's dumber cousin notice yet? This argument is becoming tedious. - SH

Erm no Doesnt seem like he has...& the arm ropes arent cooperating. What now? Kick him? Try free my other leg? - JW

And how do u remember The Hulk? I thought u deleted our movies nights! - JW

Nothing is ever totally deleted. Traces always remain, unfortunately. That's what the Mind Palace cellar is for. Hand me the knife. Count Frizzulla here is trying to figure out how to tip me over the edge so we should be able to make the exchange if we move real fast. I really don't want to have to get another phone so quickly after the last one. - SH

Ok here it is. And I dont want to need a new phone either. The replacements Mycroft gets get more and more complicated to work out! - JW

Really? I hadn't noticed. But then again, this is coming from a man who argues with chip 'n pin machines... - SH

John. I'm afraid that I may have...lost hold of your knife. And I just got slapped again. That really hurts! - SH

Why don't they just tip us into the water already? I'm bored! - SH

Great Youve lost my knife for me? That was a present from one of my very good Army friends! U r bored?! We r about to be drowned & u are BORED?! - JW

Drowning + bindings + monologues = dull! No one has any sense of pride in their work any more. - SH

Bindings? What bindings...? ;) - JW

_We are tied to the chairs,_ John, and without the aid of your knife there is very little chance of our breaking free. - SH

Oh really? Then why am I about to stand up and punch this blokes lights out? Unlike SOME people I have actually been constructive rather than moping about being bored! - JW

I don't mope. - SH

Yeah yeah...says the King of Sulks himself! - JW

Shut up and hit him. - SH

... - JW

... - SH

Wet... wet again! - JW

Yes, John. That is usually what happens whenever two people of the Homo Sapiens species come into contact with a large amount of H2O (although I'm quite certain it wasn't a pure sample). - SH

Oh just shut up! U & ur fancy scientist reasons! Whyd u have to tip us into the drink anyway? - JW

How was I supposed to know that you were going to slam the thug onto the wharf like that? - SH

What was I supposed to do?! Sit around and wait for u 2 save my arse...which, by the way, u clearly werent? - JW

You tripped me! - SH

Not my fault u are a lanky git who cant control his legs is it? Or see where he is walking for that matter... - JW

It is hard to see whenever you have a faceful of teased and crimped hair smothering your every effort to breath as effectively as the owner of said tresses who is clinging to your middle. My ribs hurt now. - SH

Aww shame! Youre paying for my new jacket! And poor Mrs H Thought she was gonna have a heart attack at her reaction when we walked in the door. She wont be making u Bakewell Tarts for a while. - JW

That's all you know. - SH

Whatever. Dont argue over that. Do u also get the feeling that no one believes us over at the Yard? - JW

Lestrade was laughing. Next brain is getting stowed on _his _desk! - SH

And those rabid radicals didn't give my coat back. - SH

U wouldnt! I know that man has seen a lot in his time but a decaying brain is going WAY too far! - JW

Great - my jacket, your coat - this little escapade has cost us a fortune! - JW

No it hasn't. I'm taking a shower and then we're going to go back out there and steal my coat back before those savages ravage it! - SH

Yeah. U have fun with that Never going anywhere near that lot ever again! Give me the sane tumblr. fans any day! - JW

But _John_! It could be dangerous...I may be needing you. - SH

I need to update my blog & Im still drying off. Either wait a bit or go on ur own! - JW

But...but...think of what they may do to my coat! With my coat! _On _my coat! - SH

Yeah So? Youre the reason Im still dripping so right now I dont care. Just buy a new one out of ur cigarette fund Oh wait... u dont have 1, RIGHT?! - JW

No. - SH

Ok ok. Give me 5 more minutes Then Ill be with u... - JW

You'll need longer than five minutes to take care of all the edits _that _post needs. - SH

What edits? What post? Sherlock how do u KNOW? - JW

Your tongue is sticking out of your mouth and your hen-pecking is going rather slower than usual, interspersed with copious amounts of muffled swearing at the touch pad. Ergo, you are editing. It wasn't a difficult leap. - SH

Just go take ur shower, u gangly snob! - JW


	25. In Which John Is Shopping

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* * *

Sherlock, u r a damn IMPOSSIBLE person to buy presents for, u know that. - JW

If you hadn't insisted on this vacuous and stupid shopping trip you wouldn't be caught in this dilemma, now would you? - SH

Oh shut up! u are my friend Therefore you get a present from me Anything u want? - JW

That can be found in a normal shop? - JW

You're buying _me_ a present? - SH

Of course. - JW

Why? - SH

Because its Xmas & thats what people do! - JW

Don't say that, John. Just...just don't. - SH

Why? Anyway Would u like a new microscope or something? - JW

No. Besides - I thought the general idea behind materialistic and tortuous 'gift exchanges' was to keep everything a secret until the person wastes yards of paper by ripping it into shreds. - SH

In order for there 2 be a gift exchange I need some ideas to get a present to exchange! And if u give me a few ideas and I decide u wont know what I decide. Unless of cours mind reading vampire or something...? - JW

Again with the vampire theories! Where do you get that foolish idea from? - SH

U make a point of only eating sugar unless nagged 2 do otherwise and u always seem 2 know what Im thinking. - JW

Again with the eating nonsense...you're just giving the fans stuff to exploit. And I wouldn't know what you were thinking (believe me - sometimes I'd rather not) if your face wouldn't broadcast it quite so loudly. - SH

Whatever Come ON! New jacket? Shirt? Scarf? What? Give me something to work with here! - JW

Do you really think I would entrust the selection of my wardrobe to a man who can neither manage to buy anything that isn't lumpy, woven, and in varying shades of tan nor manage to keep his never-worn ties colour-coordinated? - SH

I still havent forgiven u for messing with my wardrobe that last time. And I do too buy other things! - JW

Shapeless, tacky checkered shirts. Forgive me for not wanting to impersonate a North American lumberjack, John. - SH

Ur too skinny anyhow. And my clothes r just fine, thank u. Most of the world isnt made up of snobbish wearers-of-tailored-suits who have little better to do than critique the fashion sense of others. But we werent talking about MY clothes...dont try to distract me. What d'you want for Xmas? - JW

I honestly wouldn't know what to tell you, John. In order for me to make a judgement I would need some past experience to draw data from. No one should form a theory without evidence. - SH

Oh for the love of...u really are a Grinch, arent u? How about we start with experience now? Honestly! - JW

Why? - SH

Life experience! So, no clothes or to do with science (Or any type of medicine either...dont give me that look!) Or cancer sticks! Any movies or television series'? - JW

How would I know? - SH

Sherlock. Didnt ur parents ever give u presents? - JW

Dull. Boring. Pedestrian. Of course they did! It was always the worst part of the entire agonising season, having to thank stuffy men and perfumed ladies (some relations, others connections) for trinkets that one neither needed nor wanted. It was all so stupid and competitive. I would sooner sit through a dozen of Mummy's gala Christmas dinners with Mycroft's lot than one gift exchange. I thought I made this quite clear, John. - SH

Oh my God U know what? Forget it. Just forget it! I'll manage on my own. Just go help Mrs Hudson put up some Xmas decoration why dont u? She shouldnt be getting on a ladder w/that hip. - JW

If I go down there she'll try to make me test her Christmas Stuffing. I'd like to survive the night without a trip to the Poison Centre, thank you very much. - SH

Her cooking is fantastic and dont u forget it! Youre just determined to be a grump. Its the only reason why the both of us are still alive & her Xmas baking is delicious! - JW

She puts too much sage in the stuffing. It makes me sneeze. - SH

Process of elimination Bit like your deductions come to think of it...! - JW

That made absolutely zero sense, John. Have you been walking past the perfume shop again? - SH

Oh shut it, u nosy git! Just get down there and help Mrs. H - and u WILL be polite & eat that stuffing! Handkerchiefs are in the bathroom top drawer. - JW

Why does she make me sample every single damn thing anyway? - SH

Probably cos shes made it her life mission 2 feed u (and I) up. Must be some sort of exclusive elderly landlady club Mrs. Turner introdced her to. Shes right about 1 thing, though - u r damn skinny! So go & help her...itll do u good. - JW

Fine. If I can't fit into my clothes, John, it'll be all your fault. Mycroft will never let me hear the end of it! - SH

U will NEVER become fat so dont start clucking like a girl. Id be concerned...but I know how u r w/sugar. Oh. And _Mycroft_ is fat! He wouldnt dare broach the subject lest he give u an opening. - JW

You should have seen him in his teen years...He already gives me that whenever he goes out for his mail. The Richter Scale got a new reading. - SH

Ok. Thats just cruel. Knock it off...and why r u quoting Wierd Al anyway?! 0.o - JW

Who? - SH

Nevermind. U can hang out Mrs. H's lights for her. Get off ur arse and stop putting it off! - JW


	26. In Which John Is Alarmed

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* * *

John. Help me! - SH

Why Sherlock! Whatever is the matter? ;) - JW

First Mrs. Hudson ruined an entire batch of ginger biscuits and now she expects me to climb up and retrieve the overly-sequinned Christmas décor from her loft. With a full stomach! - SH

YOU have a FULL STOMACH? 0.o Wow - JW

It's not funny, John! - SH

XD Yeah. It kinda is. Did she MAKE u eat the entire batch? - JW

No... - SH

There it is, u great idiot. U did this 2 yourself...I have no sympathy. - JW

I hate you. - SH

Yeah yeah. Youve said as much before. Just let her have her fun She only gets this once a year u know! - JW

Yes, John. I am well aware of the calendar concerning holidays. I just don't see why you insisted on sending me into the lair of the dragon. - SH

I thought dragons didnt exist. ;) & why r u calling poor Mrs H a dragon lady?! U should be ashamed of yourself, Holmes! - JW

She's making me put up the _collapsible _tree! I've got scratches all over my arms and my purple shirt is ruined. Besides...those biscuits were burnt. I feel I may be ill... - SH

SO WHAT? Ginger settles nauseous stomachs, so have more baked goods. U have 3 kazzilion more purple shirts in ur wardrobe Stop moaning about 1 thats a little banged up! - JW

But it was my FAVOURITE, John! I used it to interrogate witnesses...I need it! And I'm too full to eat anything else. D'you have anything useful in your medkit? - SH

But u have a WHOLE CUPBOARD of a whole lot more exactly the same shirts, u daft vain git! Besides if its ur best shirt why wear it around the house anyway? All Ive got in my Medkit is some bandages, so keep ur nose out of there. If u wanna wrap your stomach in gauze go ahead Wont help overindulgence I can tell u! - JW

Are you laughing at me, John? - SH

How can u possibly tell? You dont have to answer that Its a little something called a rhetorical question...! - JW

I do know the definition of that, thank you, and I don't care if you're trying to decide on which necklace to buy your latest girlfriend (A bit early in the relationship for jewellery, don't you think?) just get back here and help me! It's your fault that I'm in this situation. - SH

Since when do I take relationship advice from YOU?! Please refresh my memory as to why its my fault?! - JW

You made me leave a perfectly quiet and unobtrusive experiment to go down and submit myself to the Christmas Sprite from Hell! Now she wants me to twist some sort of smelly plastic garland around the stair-bannister! Is there no end to this madness? - SH

Mrs H is not a Christmas Sprite from Hell! And the smelly plastic stuff is called tinsel. Honestly, with the fuss u r making it sounds like u r going to be executed or something if u actually try & join in the Christmas Spirit! - JW

Perhaps I should. At least execution would release me from this purgatory. - SH

God u r SUCH a baby! - JW

Am not! I simply do not wish to waste my time in celebrating the pagan holiday of Saturnalia that the Church has subverted to their own means. It is pointless. I have better things to do than watch overly-sentimental telly and chop branches off of evergreen trees. - SH

Oh shut up and go practise We Wish You A Merry Christmas on that thing u call a violin... Unless u have some last minute present requests...? - JW

A pair of earplugs? - SH

Why would I want to listen to someone warble and croon on about a runny-nosed reindeer? - SH

Thats Rudolph, u idiot! And he has a SHINY nose not a runny one! Earplugs r sold out... - JW

Mrs. Hudson has turned on the radio to 'help me get into the spirit'. My ears are bleeding from the disgusting overuse of synthetic jingle bells. - SH

So then block it out! God knows u do it all the time 2 me when Im talking to u & u r on a case! - JW

I'm not on a case right now, John. Unfortunately. There's never any decent murders until the day after Christmas whenever the passion crimes and jealousy-driven criminals start to come out of the woodwork. - SH

If you carry on irritating me at this rate u r gonna be solving ur own bloody murder of passion! - JW

I thought you said we weren't a couple, John. - SH

WE R NOT! A murder of frustration, irritation and anger is what I meant! - JW

Oh. Dull, those - usually messy and unimaginative. A four, at the most. - SH

OH MY GOD! Where did I put my gun?! Or, better yet, where do I find an axe? U wind me up like this on purpose dont u? - JW

I'm sure I don't know what you mean by that. - SH

Means Im gonna kill u if I see u...with whatever I have in my hands at the time! Do I need to spell it out 4 u? - JW

... - SH

I'll take that as a no and...oh! Thats very interesting...! Damn. It only comes in pink! - JW

What's so interesting about _shopping?_ - SH

Whats so interesting about shopping? Oh nothing Still stuck as to what 2 get u! Hey, I know! How about a new hat? What about a fez instead of a deerstalker? - JW

I hate hats. - SH

They make my hair stand up and then Mycroft laughs. - SH

Oh Hell. John - is it normal for the roof of the Nativity set to come off? - SH

Um, no. I rather think not. What the hell have u done now? - JW

Nothing. I just...may have discovered a way to, erm, more effectively store Mrs. Hudson's miniature stable. Now where's our bottle of glue? - SH

Well, u finished it when u decided 2 see if u could saw an ear off and then stick it back on again. That experiment still haunts me... - JW

It was for a case, John. Why out of all the doctors in the world did I have to pick the squeamish one for my flatmate? I cleaned up the blood, remember? Do you think I could use Sellotape? - SH

Gonna pretend to ignore that! Dont have any of that either. U finished that when u decided to see if pulled out toenails would grow back onto the toe if it was taped on... - JW

Are you still angry about that? I apologised, remember? How was I supposed to know you would think it was turkey? At least you didn't actually eat anything. - SH

What matters is that I ALMOST did! What wouldve happened if I HAD actually eaten something? - JW

I'm certain they teach you something about purging in those medical schools you're always going on about. - SH

Which is what I may need to do if Mrs. Hudson offers me _one more_ 'free sample'! I hate Christmas. Why does it have to come every year and spoil my schedule? - SH

Youre sick Youre just... really sick And I mean sick as in gross and horrible Not physically ill... - JW

Thank you? When are you coming home, John? I am regretting this endeavour. She's saying something about untangling lights? Why does she need me for that? I've got nitroglycerin to manufacture! - SH

Just help her, u ungrateful sod! - JW

Wait...whoa, whoa! NITROGLYCERIN?! What the HELL? Tell me ur joking...- JW

U r joking, RIGHT? - JW

Sherlock?! - JW


	27. In Which John Is Alone

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You are not a fake. Everything u told me is total rubbish. U r the best man I have ever known and the best friend that I have ever had. Please, though, please come back. Stop this madness. Stop it now. I know ur not dead. Just... please come back. - JW

Sherlock? - JW

HOW COULD U DO THIS TO ME? I was ur best friend, u could have told me EVERYTHING! I was a DOCTOR for Gods sakes! If I couldnt have helped I could of got u in touch with someone who could. But of course u wouldnt have accepted that would u? - JW

U bastard! - JW

Please come back...Im sorry I called u a machine! Please please please come back, Im not above begging. I swear if u come back now, I will never force u 2 do cold turkey from ur patches again! And Ill never complain about body parts that are where they are not supposed to be, (like in the fridge, instead of in the morgue - and yes I know the morgue is a type of fridge... But using _our _fridge doesn't quite work) Ill even buy u your own personal fridge. Ill never comment on ur crap social skills or ur horrible violin playing. I promise! Just come back. Please...? - JW

Im _so_ sorry. Please come back. - JW

I dont know how I go on. You saved me. I was in a really bad place & u rescued me... Now youre gone. And... I have nobody to rescue me this time. My limp is back and I am having problems holding down a job. I would really prefer my job to be running around the streets of London catching bad guys... And being with u. Come back. Now. Today would be good...? - JW

I have nothing now... - JW

U arent coming back, r u? Well of course not...death gives mercy to no one, as they say. Guess I should just get used 2 no late-night knife fights or human livers in the fridge or unplanned swimming sessions in the Thames. Im completely resigned to being inescapably BORED day after day. Its funny, yknow. I always figured that I would be the 1st to go. Youre not going to get this, so I might as well say it even if I sound like a soppy, lovesick sentimentalist. I would have died 4 u, Sherlock. But thats not how it turned out, so I guess this is goodbye. I really am sorry about what I said, back then. U r NOT a machine. Have a good...whatever it is youre doing in the afterlife. See u in about 30 years or so. Youll always be my best friend. - JW

Goodbye, Sherlock - JW

_(unsent) _I'm not dead, John. And I'm sorry. - SH

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**Author's Note:** Yeah...sorry that we didn't treat you with our usual round of comedy today. But this just had to be done and so I want to give a BIG shout-out to _TheChristmasSerialMurders_ who basically owned this chapter. Not only that - but she made a cracking good Watson for all of the other instalments. She provides the voice of our wonderful jumper-wearing Army Doctor and it is wonderful to, as the voice of Sherlock, bounce ideas off of her. Anything you liked about John, the credit goes to her.


	28. In Which John Is Threatened

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John Hamish Watson - what the HELL have you done with my violin? - SH

Nothing. Havent seen it since u tortured - sorry - _played_ it yesterday. Whyd u ask? - JW

I can't find it _anywhere! _I know I left it on the desk last night - but someone has moved that from the corner too. Mrs. Hudson says it wasn't her...so what did you do with it? - SH

Who, me? And that bloody violin I know not to touch unless I want my head to end up in the fridge...! Not my fault u are a scatter brain now is it? - JW

Why did you move the desk, John? Now there's a big bare spot in the corner...and it's bothering me. - SH

U & ur bloody OCD-impersonation! Why would I move a desk? Hmmmm let me think. Maybe because I walk out of the flat daily with bruises all over my thighs from the damn thing. So this morning was the last straw and I did some redecorating of sorts while u were still snoring away. & the fact that Mrs H wants to put her Christmas tree there has nothing to do with it... - JW

_Christmas Tree_? John - we are _not _bringing a dying plant into this flat. I refuse! - SH

You cant. Its Mrs H's place remember? What she says goes. Otherwise she could chuck us out Then where would we be? - JW

Free from the intrusive presence of a cluttery shrub. And she wouldn't 'chuck us out'...you're letting your imagination run away with you. I hate pine trees! - SH

Pine needles smell very good; like a forest after its just rained... - JW

Oh do stop with the dull attempt at poetry! I do not, have not, and never will want my living room taken over by a scraggly thing that belongs in the darkest recesses of some godforsaken forest! It's messy, it's unsanitary, and you've messed up my music archives to make room for it. Why do we have to do this stupid Christmas thing anyway? You already threw out my kidneys to make room for eggnog! - SH

The kidneys were dripping on the lettuce & u are talking about a TREE being unsanitary?! - JW

That was just once. I didn't have time to wrap them in plastic before the box soaked through...Lestrade intruded on another drugs bust, remember? - SH

Whatever. It was still gross. That lettuce was for our SUPPER! A tree will be nice to decorate, though. - JW

I fail to see why we need to decorate any more than we already have. I nearly went blind this morning from the sheer amount of glitter you've spread about the place. - SH

God! u really know how to take the spirit out of the Xmas atmosphere, dont u? We ARE getting a tree...Just grow up and get over it. It only happens once a year anyway...! - JW

Thank God. Now where did you put my violin? You did put it in the case before you moved it, _right_? - SH

I havent touched ur violin Im not THAT stupid. Not my fault u "deleted" wherever u put it last! - JW

I didn't delete it! I left it on that desk last night whenever you shouted down at me to _"Shut the hell up or I swear you'll get that murder you are pining after!"_. So 'fess up, John, or else I'll be doing that mildew experiment on _your _bed! - SH

U keep ur bloody experiments away from my bed! I havent done anything 2 ur damn fiddle. Check in ur bedroom. Oh...and someone is going to deliver our tree this afternoon, so do try to be somewhat civil? - JW

I'll be as civil as the situation calls for me to be. And you'd better hope I find my violin... - SH


	29. In Which John Is Dismayed

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* * *

Sherlock Holmes what the HELL did u do 2 the poor Christmas tree delivery bloke?! Mrs. H told me he ran out of here looking like he was about 2 cry. - JW

Me? Why do you always assume it was something to do with _me? _- SH

Maybe the fact that, hmmm, lets see...YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE HOME! - JW

Astounding deduction, that. You never cease to amaze me. I should offer you congratulations; you have now graduated to stating the blatantly obvious. - SH

Oh shut up Not everyones 'perfect' like u! What did u DO to that poor man?! - JW

Nothing! I just made conversation like you're always nagging me to do and he ran out of the flat with a green complexion. - SH

Oh God. What did u deduce about him? - JW

Why do you automatically declare that it was something bad, John? - SH

Because it usually is! - JW

It is not my fault people choose to air their dirty laundry so clearly that it practically screams at the world _"Check me out!"_ Do you honestly think I _want _to know about the affairs, the guilty pleasures, and the more bizarre fetishes that those around me indulged in mere hours ago? - SH

Normal people cant usually spot that Just geniuses like u. & u dont put a filter on what u say either do u...?! - JW

Why should I? It's there - just as plain as the nose on their face. If they didn't want to acknowledge it then why are they broadcasting it? Besides; I didn't even say anything all _that _bad to this individual...he doesn't have tastes like Sally or Anderson, for instance. Is there something wrong with me, John? You're a doctor. Do you really think that? - SH

I dont think some of them even realise its there...thats why they feel so invaded when u reveal it to the public. But u know this...thats why u do it sometimes, I know. & of COURSE _now_ u would seek the advice of a doctor! Listen here, Sherlock: There Is Nothing Wrong With You! Really there isnt. U just need to be a little more... sensitive in how u spout off the more embarrassing stuff. Save it for Anderson whenever he calls u a freak (which u are NOT!). - JW

But I was! Much as I am annoyed that there is now a smelly tree invading my living space, I didn't mention his nightlife escapades or the fact that he accidentally drank out of his coworker's coffee mug this morning...I only clued him in on the sort of things that he needed to know. All things considered I think I was civil just like you asked. Can nothing I do please you? - SH

No. I hate 2 say this but no u actually werent - JW

And why not? All I did was inform him that his girlfriend knows that he got drunk and discovered that he is really bi...but that's okay because she's sleeping with her trainer and boss simultaneously every other Thursday night. - SH

Oh my God Oh my God YOU DIDNT JUST TELL SOME RANDOM POOR SOD THAT HES GAY AND HIS WIFE IS CHEATING ON HIM DID U?! - JW

Do u WANT to get written up for harassment?! - JW

He was bisexual, actually. Do get the term right, _doctor_. He was stressed out about his discovery so that should have put his mind at ease, right? Maybe it was the experiment I was in the middle of that put him off. Some people are _so _sensitive about scalpels... - SH

And it was his girlfriend, not his wife. - SH

That definitely did not put his mind at rest u idiot! It actually made it WORSE! It didnt matter if he was gay, bi, or omni! Thats none of ur business! & Wife, girlfriend, Who bloody cares? Whatever it was doesnt really make a difference. This was right up there with telling Molly that her boyfriend was gay...NOT 1 of ur finer moments, may I remind u. - JW

No you may not. And it makes a BIG difference, John. The semantics of the relationship are vastly different, from all I've seen...things are more open; less strictly tied shut. All data points towards young unmarried couples being more forgiving towards foolish moves from the other partner than they would be after they 'tied the knot'. - SH

*facepalm* Just shut if u know whats good 4 u ok? How is the Xmas tree looking then? - JW

Pathetic. He left it lying on the floor and I couldn't get into the cupboard for my best scythe so I picked it up and dumped it against the wall. It's drooping now. - SH

Well maybe if u hdnt done what u did...Stick it in a pot and water it then. Oh wait. You might get ur hands dirty & ur favourite purple shirt messed up! *rolls eyes* - JW

Are you making fun of me, John? - SH

Maybe...maybe not... - JW

You are and it's not very funny! I'm heading out to pick up some stain-remover so I won't be there when you get home. Don't touch the gluteus maximus on the table! - SH

YOUVE GOT AN ARSE ON OUR TABLE?! - JW

WTF?! - JW

No need to be so vulgar about it, John. It's for a case. - SH

For a case? FOR A CASE?! What sort of case requires u 2 dissect someone's deceased derrière on our kitchen table? U know, I think that has just become ur standard excuse for things that offend me. No WONDER the poor delivery bloke ran like a bat from hell! - JW

I never use excuses. Oh - and in the interests of domestic peace (as Mrs. Hudson put it) I'm to warn you not to look in the fridge. - SH

Oh boy! Okay. On my way home now... - JW

Fine. I'd better not come home to find that you've spread yet more 'seasonal' things about the flat, John. Christmas is unbearable enough as it is - you don't need to worsen it by decking the halls with enough tinsel and ho-ho-ing as to make me nauseous for a month! At least not if you intend to have me eat with you tonight. - SH

No comment - JW

... - JW

Um Sherlock? What exactly is in the fridge...? - JW

Sherlock? - JW


	30. In Which John Is Doctorish

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**Author's Note:** For those of you who are following this story, I should let you know that there was a potential glitch with Chapter 29 (also uploaded today) in that no alert email reached me and, naturally, I don't know if it reached you. So if you're reading this, make sure you go back and read that chapter because it sets up a few things for the little mini-arc that will then be completed in the next instalment.

* * *

Sherlock...what EXACTLY is in the fridge?! - JW

Just...just don't look, John. I know Sarah has been on you about your blood pressure lately. - SH

And how did u know that...the mud on my shoes?

No. The fact that you've cut back on takeaway recently and made an effort to actually cook. - SH

Which u ignored in favour of mowing down all manner of junk food! - JW

Just leave the fridge alone. I don't want Mrs. Hudson to yell at me again. - SH

How do I get the milk for my tea then? - JW

I'm sure you could survive without tea for a while. It's not the staple of life, you know. - SH

Oooo! U speak HERESY, Sherlock! D'you hear me? _HERESY! _It is of my life and the lives of most of ur fellow citizens of Great Britain! That and jam  
I really want a cuppa Sherlock! Its been a long day and Im tired. After that terrible declaration nothing u say will stop me! - JW

Your funeral. - SH

... - JW

Sherlock what the BLOODY DAMN HELL is in the fridge? No, really...WHAT?! It looks like a pair of emphysema-riddled lungs...like from a chain smoker...Wait WAIT. THERE IS A PAIR OF LUNGS IN OUR FRIDGE?! HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET THERE?! Oh, LET ME GUESS: "Theyre for a case!"!? - JW

Actually no. It was a gift from Molly. Said something about it being that time of the year...besides, they were from a John Doe. They look terrible. Isn't it fascinating? - SH

No its bloody not! There is a pair of LUNGS next to the cheese in the fridge...Not in the morgue where they belong. Oh and remind me to brain Molly the next time I see her please? - JW

I thought you had a policy against hitting women...its certainly gotten us captured and tied up enough times. - SH

I didnt mean LITERALLY hit her, u prat! I just meant to have a loooong talk w/her. She should know better than 2 fuel ur mad scientist gig. - JW

Its just a pair of lungs. I even put them on a tray so they wouldn't drip! Its not like its a head that I forgot to turn the face to the back, now is it? - SH

No Its WORSE! At least that wasnt DISEASED! - JW

How, praytell, is this worse? I thought you said: _"I don't want the bloody thing to be staring at me when I go to get beer. It's damn creepy!"_. Make up your mind. - SH

Just... urgh But u see what ur lungs wlll look like if u dont go cold turkey for good? - JW

I am neither a smoker of marijuana nor 76 years old, John. Do stop your fussing. - SH

No I wont. Im a doctor & Im your friend. Its what I do. Regular cigarettes can do that 2 ur lungs too u know... - JW

Highly improbable, given the fact that it is now virtually impossible to smoke anywhere in London without getting written up in the most inconvenient way. That's why I use the patches...you know that. The occasional cigarette isn't going to kill me - the boredom would first since you've made get rid of my emergency stash of other helps. - SH

Well. Being on a high in general is also really bad as well! - JW

How would you know? You've never tried it. And they helped me focus, John...I've explained this before the last three times you yelled at me. It's becoming tedious. - SH

Well whatever. Im going and looking up some "stop your friends nicotine cravings in 5 easy steps" on the 'net - JW

Don't waste your time, John. I'm quite certain that I have tried everything that there is out there. It's dull and not worth it. - SH

Ok, ok. Of COURSE U would get bored with trying 2 kick an addiction &...Sherlock u r still doing cold turkey from the cigarettes, right? - JW

RIGHT?! - JW

Yes, yes, yes. You threw out my stash, remember? Flushed it down the toilet and burnt my cigarettes. I've been reduced to doing patches down both arms, so thanks for that. - SH

Down both...SHERLOCK! U r going 2 get nicotine poisoning, u idiot! When ur puking into the toilet, dont come crying and expect me 2 treat u! - JW

Oh, and u replied WAY too hastily and with too many 'yeses'. Are u lying 2 me, Sherlock Holmes?! - JW

When have I ever lied to you, John Watson?! - SH

SHERRRRLOCK! At least once a day u mimicking idiot! - JW

Name me one time! - SH

Last night at suppertime. You said u had had breakfast AND lunch which is so obviously utter crap 2 someone who actually glanced into the fridge! - JW

I just didn't want you to worry and start shouting. It wasn't a big deal. - SH

Lying is worse than telling the truth...and I certainly feel like shouting NOW. - JW

I didn't lie. You asked me if I'd eaten that day and I said yes. I had a plate of 'brownies' around 10:30 am with the rest of the milk. Hence why I texted you to get some more. - SH

Real healthy breakfast, that...NOT! And 4 lunch? - JW

I was busy at noon. The Strep A cultures had reached full potential...why would I bother with stopping for something non-crucial? - SH

Yes, yes. 'Everything else is transport' and all that crap. But DID u eat lunch? Hmmmm...u said u had...! - JW

There was some apple crisp left in the fridge from our trip to Angelo's last week. I finished that just before you got home. What time was it...2:00pm? - SH

More like 5:30. No wonder u said u werent hungry 4 dinner! And how much was there even 2 eat..? We only brought home the leftovers & I took some in my lunch last Friday. - JW

Hang on... were they even still good? - JW

They tasted fine. And there were plenty...at least half a cup. Stop fretting, John. You're worse than Mycroft, Lestrade, and Mrs. Hudson put together! I've lived like this for years before I met you and I'm still alive and perfectly healthy. - SH

Alive, yes. Perfectly healthy? I wouldnt quite put it like that...! - JW

Then how would you put it, _doctor_? - SH

Hey hey hey. Quit the snarkiness ok? Its not good 4 UR blood pressure. 0.o Makes a change...Ive made U angry this time! Will wonders never cease?! - JW

I am capable of anger, John, especially in the face of invasive inquiries that are neither relevant nor wanted. - SH

For a genius u really r an idiot, u know that right? - JW

I am _not_ an idiot, John! And I don't need to be nagged about my nicotine habits (perfectly harmless and necessary) or expected to call up a recollection of every morsel to cross my lips in the past 48 hours! _GOD!_ - SH

Oh... whatever. Now u know how I feel at least once every day...sue me for helping u! Damn! Im going & working on my blog now... - JW

Do try to avoid any comma splices and run-on sentences this time. - SH

Make me - JW

I won't eat dinner tonight and I'll rearrange your pants drawer again. And Molly did promise me a bag of past-their-prime lymph nodes last week... - SH

Oh please...improper grammar and punctuation in a blog thats not even yours is gonna make u go on hunger strike? Way to be a three year old Sherlock! - JW

& to prove my point from earlier... - JW

Says the man who replied 'make me' in a manner that called up an image of a two year old crossing their arms and pouting when mummy wouldn't give them a lolly. - SH

Shut up. Okay? Just shut up! - JW


	31. In Which John Is Mauled

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SHERLOCK! I JUST GOT ATTACKED BY A SQUIRREL!? A BLOODY SQUIRREL!? - JW

Surely you are exaggerating, John. I haven't brought any tree-climbing mammals into the flat recently. - SH

Um main focus on TREE. Remember that bloody Christmas tree? The one u traumatised some poor bloke over and then left to wilt? Well I walked into the living room to get my laptop to work on my blog when this ORANGE...THING zipped out from the trees branches and literally flew at me! - JW

I spat tea all over my laptop. - JW

Squirrels aren't orange, John. You're thinking of parrots...or maybe clownfish? - SH

SHUT UP! A SQUIRREL JUST ATTACKED ME!? IM A LITTLE RATTLED AT THE MOMENT! I do NOT have time for u & ur bloody science lectures right now! How do I get the bloody thing OUT of here?! - JW

Don't let it mess with my experiment. I had to endure all sorts of indignities in order to have Molly release them to me...seemed to think I had some sort of fetish. Try using some of those nuts you bought the other day...I'm sure Clarisse (or whatever her name is) won't mind if you have to buy her a new present. What she doesn't know won't kill her. - SH

Its Clara-Sue, actually, & I dont give a monkeys arse about u, Molly, ur disturbing arse experiments, OR ur fetishes at the moment ok? ALL I WANT IS TO GET THIS BLOODY THING OUT OF HERE! - JW

How did it even get into the flat?_ I_ didn't notice anything whenever I was there. - SH

U were too busy deducing the crap out of some poor moron's sex life werent u? It wont go out the window Sherlock! - JW

Don't let it scratch you. Tetanus and rabies are _so_ inconvenient. - SH

Do u HONESTLY think I dont know that?! Help me please! What should I DO? - JW

How should I know? There's a meat cleaver in my bedroom if you want to exterminate it. - SH

And make a BIGGER mess than there already is around this BLOODY FLAT? OWWW!? DAMMIT! no u little fiend...I wont let u take my.,.,./,opiahigshiakjg/= !$! - JW

John? - SH

John? - SH

JOHN? - SH


	32. In Which John Is Vexed

.

* * *

John - are you all right? - SH

No - JW

What happened? You just...suddenly became garbled and disappeared. - SH

Squirrel decided to jump on me, then proceeded to tap-dance on my phone keyboard. - J2

Oh..,.my. that must have BEen a bbbit odd. - SH

Ha ha. Glad I amuse u so much - are u having fun? Whats wrong with YOUR typing now?! ;) - JW

It _is_ rather difficult to type when your hands are shaking with mirth. I would say that I should like to see you try it...but given the state of your typing on a good day I doubt I should be able to decipher the other. - SH

Funny! I never saw myself being a stand-up comedian ever in my life before...AND THIS ISN'T FUNNY! Shut up about my typing! At least I dont type like some professor or Victorian person or something! - JW

'Some professor'? 'Victorian person'? Are those supposed to be insults? If so you really need to broaden your vocabulary, John. - SH

You see? You see? Exactly what I mean! Cant u talk like a regular sod like me once & a while? I think youve been spending too much time around Mycroft again! - JW

I resent that implication. I never spend more time in that fat git's company than absolutely necessary, lest he infect me with an overwhelming desire for dull subjects such as 'elections' and 'taxes' or, still worse, 'small talk'! Have you gotten rid of the squirrel? If my experiment is ruined before I can get out of this damn store with my stain-remover I'll never forgive you. It took forever to acquire the proportionally correct gluteus muscle. - SH

Oh yeah right. & u could just have said "You better mind the arse on the table" u know! Everything doesnt have to be a bloody scientific thesis! - JW

John. _Did the squirrel touch MY EXPERIMENT? _- SH

No comment. OW! Of which squirrel would u be referring? - JW

JOHN! The 'orange' demon that you were just squealing about because it leapt out of that accursed evergreen shrub you call a 'vital Christmas decoration' and 'danced' across your phone like Peggy Fleming in hyper-mode! While you were futilely chasing it about and wreaking all kinds of havoc to the nonsensical holly and ivy that you've liberally strewed about the flat in a manner that no one over the age of four would appreciate without a 7% shot DID. IT. DISTURB. MY. _EXPERIMENT? - _SH

Still no comment - safer this way. And...um... - JW

_WHAT? - _SH

Weeeeeelllllllllll... - JW

DOCTOR JOHN HAMISH WATSON! You tell me RIGHT now or else I'm going to be doing my next experiment on YOUR TEA! Molly should have those lymph nodes for me by the end of the week and I need a warm, air-permeable place to store them... - SH

Attempts at being parental dont suit u, Sherlock. "DULL" I still have no comment whatsoever Except...therewasmorethanoneofthem... - JW

What the hell? More of what? I only had one gluteus, John, and if that's ruined... - SH

ARSE! More than one... errrrrrrm... never mind. Forget I even said that ok? OW! Damn little bugger! - JW

Yes, John, I do know the colloquial term for backside. And I'm not going to forget anything until I get some answers...what is there more than what of? Scratches on your arms? (We're fresh out of alcohol, you forgot to replace it.) Hideous greeting cards in the mail? Repulsively sentimental mistletoe shipments Mrs. Hudson wishes to torture all and sundry with? What? - SH

Nothing. How is ur quest for chemicals coming along... ouch! - JW

I need a cigarette... - SH

No u do not! - JW

Yes I do. I have a headache, they didn't have the right brand, and this cashier has enough perfume on to stun a full-grown yak with sinus problems! Not to mention her dislike for utilising the buttons on her shirt. Is my experiment intact? - SH

U can have some tea whenever u get home (though after ur threat from earlier u can jolly well make it yourself!) & I dont care about whatever horror youve got on our kitchen table. I just got bit! - JW

I need something stronger than tea! And what about my experiment? - SH

Whatever. Weve had this bloody argument before. What experiment? The 1 the squirels just knocked over...? OH CRAP! - JW

_JOHN! -_ SH

GET THOSE DAMN THINGS OUT OF MY FLAT RIGHT AWAY! - SH

YOUR FLAT? YOUR FLAT?! WHAT THE HELL.? It is OUR flat, thank u very much! I pay half the BLOODY RENT that u rack up with ur BLOODY BOREDOM CURES! O dammit...I dont...codgUfgh ouch dammit bjjgdbbtc5.-4¡2 - JW

John? What happened this time? Another furry horror with delusions of ballet grandeur? - SH

Yup. The male and female started to do the foxtrot while the kids seemed to be the judges..Oh God rrldqwhtbw!¡" 553 - JW

John. Are you making this up? - SH

_(unsent) _Please be making it up...please be making it up... - SH

Sorry kids decided to do a variation on the Samba and chucked the parents off. Why would I be making this up? - JW

Because it is either completely improbable or highly exaggerated. Maybe Mrs. Hudson slipped a soother into your tea this morning. I know you've been favouring your shoulder recently and she does love to 'help' people in the most inconvenient and intrusive sort of ways. You just want an alibi to dispose of my gluteus, don't you? - SH

D'you have ANY idea how wrong that sounds?! 0.o - JW

& No I do not want an alibi. Mrs H hasnt offered me a soother EVER. I havent gone near your bloody ARSE (this is really awkward...) & its not bloody my fault 5 squirrels flew out of the Xmas tree and decided to zip around the room and play Strictly Come Dancing on my phone is it? - JW

But...but where did they all come from then? I virtually embraced that tree earlier in my efforts to stand it up straight (ruining yet another shirt) and I felt neither hide nor hair of any living creature beside myself. That damn thing was heavy! But not infested... - SH

I dunno. They just jumped out the tree and bombarded me! I was quietly sitting there having my TEA! What was I SUPPOSED to do oh, Great Carer of WAAAAY To Many Shirts? - JW

You and your tea! And it's better than having a wardrobe restricted to lumpy, misshapen jumpers and tattered button-ups in varying shades of oatmeal tan. And you could get them out of the ruddy flat before they destroy my doghair collection! It took me years to organise that, you know. - SH

Too late for that Im afraid...but they didnt totally destroy it, I dont think. Ur fault for moving it out of the loo. Also knocked over a box that had 249 written on it...? Dont worry Mrs H has called the SPCA to take of this mess. Said theyd be here in a few hours. Good thing...Im tired of chasing the frisky demons. If I get rabies... - JW

My ash! JOHN! And don't let those nosy creeps into the bathroom... - SH

The squirrels or the squirrel-removers? - JW

Either! - SH

Whats hidden in there then? Oh crap! There they go...2 the bathroom & under the door. Gtg brb! - JW

I told u we needed to get that eaten-away spot fixed! - JW

John? Don't go in there...you'll strain your vocal chords and my head with yelling! - SH

... - JW

John? You went in, didn't you. - SH

SHEEEERRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLOCCCCCCCKKKKKKK! BLOODY HHHHOOOOOOLLLLLLMEEEEEESSSSSS! - JW

Don't yell like that, John. You'll alert Mrs. Hudson! - SH

Ahhh... but... wha... how...?! - JW

Shhhh! She'll hear! - SH

It's not as bad as it looks...really it isn't. - SH

...?! W. T. F?! - JW

Shut up! Just breath...QUIETLY! - SH

Cant. Forget the squirrels! Need... paper... bag. Hyperventillating... - JW

There aren't any paper bags. You used the final one last time we had that food poisoning, remember? Something about it being 'easier than trotting to the loo every time I have to spew'... - SH

*puts head between legs* Feeling... dizzy... - JW

Just breath deep. It'll pass. Don't tell Mrs. Hudson! - SH

Urgh the smell! I ask again Sherlock...WTF?! - JW

Grab the squirrel and get the hell out of there before you contaminate it! And don't tell Mrs. Hudson! - SH

SQUIRRELS! Ive gotta walk in there and collect them all up! Euuuuuuugrh - JW

Well hurry! I need a cigarette. May be late. - SH

U & ur cigarettes can go to Hell! In a wheelbarrow! Savvy? - JW

How about instead of further poisoning yourself u get back here & take care of this abomination?! - JW

Shut up and get that squirrel away from the bathtub! And don't tell Mrs. Hudson! - SH


	33. In Which John Is Beset

.

* * *

Sherlock, Ive put up w/a lot from u...but this is taking DISGUSTING to a whole new level! - JW

Just...shhh; be quiet! Mrs. Hudson will hear you! - SH

Why r u acting like shes ur mother and u r gonna be up 2 ur eyeballs in crap when she finds out youve got a dead... well, a dead SOMETHING in her bathtub? Oh wait. Thats because...YOU ARE! - JW

Just don't tell her, John. What she doesn't know won't kill her and...well...I'd rather not have to deal with the fallout right now. You people always try to stand in the way of science! I promise not to practice Paganini after 10:30pm for a week...just keep quiet. - SH

Please. - SH

U must be really scared of her reaction... OW! (damn squirrels) Why did u do it then? - JW

A case. - SH

A case. Thats all u can say? Sherlock WHAT THE HELL is in that tub...?! - JW

You have eyes, doctor, look at it and make a diagnosis. Quietly! - SH

It reeks! - JW

Oh my GOD Is it a ... squid...? OMG THERE IS A MOULDERING BLOODY OCTOPUS IN OUR BLOODY BATHTUB! OH. MY. GOD! SHEEEEEEERLOOOOOOCK! - JW

Octopi and squid are two completely separate species, John. And for God's sake be quiet! Mrs. Hudson will hear you! - SH

A damn I do not give Sherlock! Octopi, squid, who the BLOODY HELL cares? Its still disgusting. Mrs H is out. Thank GOD! So youre safe...FOR NOW! - JW

Oh good. Now if only this moronic and vapid cashier will stop fluttering her eyelashes long enough to give me my money back I'll get home and complete that experiment. Just spray some air-freshener around. I acquired a lilac-scented one from Mrs. Hudson about a week ago...it should mask the ammonia smell if you're so desperate to be squeamish. And make sure the squirrel-removal squad doesn't find it! - SH

You, Mr Sherlock Holmes are not getting off THAT EASY! - JW

This is quite easily the most repulsive thing youve EVER brought home! & that includes the severed head or the diseased lungs! - JW

But it's for science, John! A man's conviction may be riding on the properties of that _Architeuthidae physeteris. _- SH

SAY WHAT?! - JW

It's connected to that most recent murder. Remember - the one with the glowing corpse? - SH

Oh yes that 1. That was a weird looking corpse...even to me! But...WHATS A BLOODY OCTOPUS GOT TO DO WITH IT? I take it youre not hankering for calamari for supper then? ,,..c,.gjhgdfkfqwcig. - JW

Bloody damn squirrels! - JW

No I am not. I don't eat when I'm working, John, do I have to say it again? And it's considered bad form to 'nosh' on your specimens...having dissected cadavers in med school I should think you would know that. I have a theory about the murder...but I need to test it. That's what the SQUID is for. - SH

Whatever. Oh God! *chokes* Its starting to really stink in here. Hang on. Gtg...Squirrel blokes are here! - JW

Don't let them near my squid! Or the gluteus! - SH


	34. In Which John Is Blamed

.

* * *

Oh crap! Sherlock? One of them is desperate for the loo. Ummmmm...what the HELL do I tell him? - JW

Oh and Hammy & family are going to be released humanely. Thought u would like 2 know. Little sad to see them go..Little devils were almost growing on me! - JW

Tell him that it is backed up. Let him smell 'that stench' to back up your story and I'm sure he'll swiftly be on his way. Or better yet - tell him to use Mrs. Hudson's. I'm sure she won't mind as long as he doesn't clog it or leave residue. - SH

Okay he is using Mrs Hudsons...OMG! ONE OF THEM JUST SPOTTED THE ARSE THATS NOW ON THE FLOOR! OH CRAAAAAAAAAAP!? WHAT DO I DO NOW?! - JW

Ur bloody experiments! - JW

Don't let them take it...defend it at all costs...I put your gun on the fridge last time...think you can reach it? - SH

... - JW

John? - SH

Crap crap crap craaaaaaaaap. Lestrades here & confiscating the arse and the THING in the bathtub... - JW

That moronic excuse for a detective! How DARE he mess with my experiments? It's almost like he doesn't want me to solve the case. What an imbecile! I'm surprised he manages to get out of bed without strangling himself each morning. - SH

Don't tell me the squirrel-removers called him. You should have cut the phone lines and dunked their mobiles in acid. I have a very fine sample of battery acid in the blue vial that you could have used. - SH

Lestrades a FRIEND. And yes the squirrel blokes called him...or Scotland Yard, rather. We should be grateful that it wasnt the Health Department that showed up instead of him. Now hes just 'following protocol' Though it looks like he is enjoying it WAY to much! - JW

Traitor! Poltroon! He better not take my squid. It took me months to acquire that specimen and hours to smuggle it into the flat. - SH

Too late. WAY too late. Blokes in HazMat suits came and took it about 10 minutes ago. And Im being questioned. This day just keeps getting better and better!...What the hell is a poltroon? - JW

Lestrade, Anderson, and everyone of their ilk. I hate my life! Now do you see why I need cigarettes? - SH

YOU hate ur life? Please. & u r never touching another cigarette in ur life no matter how bad the cravings get! Savvy? - JW

Stop saying that, John! It's annoying. And if Lestrade is going to be dull and confiscate my experiments then serve him right if I die of lung cancer and he has to muddle through cases alone! - SH

U r NOT gonna die of lung cancer cause u r NOT gonna smoke! I know the cravings are bad...but thats what Im here for. Yep everythings gone Even the fingers from the lettuce crisper and the ears from the deep freeze. Oh...and ur skull. - JW

M-my...my skull? They took...my skull? They DARED to set a FINGER on BILLY?! - SH

Yes. Your skull is gone. Wait...WAIT! THE SKULLS NAME IS BILLY? - JW

Get your jacket, Watson! I'll meet you at Scotland Yard...we have a bit of breaking and entering to do. - SH

To get Billy? Nope Im not coming. Im not going to jail 4 u again. Not this time...not 4 this. Im sorry. But NO! - JW

But John this is a great injustice! We simply _must_ put things to right again. Morals and goodness, isn't that what you're always nagging me about? Besides...I need someone to talk to whenever you're away. - SH

Dont try to emotionally blackmail ME. u just talk to the walls anyway. Let me be very clear about this: IM NOT GOING TO JAIL FOR U AGAIN! - JW

John...please. I _have _to rescue Billy from the doltish mass that is the Metropolitan Police Force. And I need your help... - SH

Bring my lock-picks with you. They're under the spirit gum in my wardrobe. - SH

Im NOT COMING! Dont give two hoots about that skull of yours as long as u dont take it out on the street. Ive had a LONG, TRYING day and Im TIRED! Youre on ur own! - JW

But...but John! You're the most amazing and fantastic blogger anyone could wish for! - SH

U r making me want 2 be sick... - JW

Fine. I'll go and do it on my own. You can just stay in and watch telly and have a quiet, mundane evening with your holiday decorations and your tea. I don't need you - I'm fine on my own. Don't bother waiting up...I may be late. - SH


	35. In Which John Is Sneaky

.

* * *

John. Why are you following me? I thought you said you didn't want to come. - SH

Whatever makes u think Im following u? Im still at the flat with my mundane decorations & crap telly! - JW

Don't take me for an idiot, Doctor Watson. The fumes from the skip you're crouched behind have clouded your judgement. - SH

WHHHHHAAAAT? What skip? And u R an idiot In ur own way.. - JW

I can see your left foot. So either get out of there and come join me or go home and rot your brain out. - SH

I am NOT with u. U said u didnt need my help! Telly is really crap tonight but what the hell? Maybe youre about to be jumped...! - JW

That would be most advantageous of them...but at least it wouldn't be boring. Go away, Doctor, and leave me to my fate! - SH

Its not me! U dont have to be so bloody dramatic! And why r u talking like Im never gonna see u again? - JW

Well you certainly seem to care little for my company. Why shouldn't I assume that you won't? - SH

Sherlock! Come on! Im sorry, ok? I was a little tired and harassed. I honestly didnt mean to offend u or send u into the sulks! - JW

I am not sulking! And I don't need your company. I hope you're cosy and comfortable there at home while I'm cold and bleeding out here on the streets. My only wish is that I don't die in boredom. Now if you'll excuse me, Doctor Watson, I have a window to pry open... - SH

Youre bleeding?! What the hell happened? & the window? I dont think thats a good idea..! - JW

None of your business what I do! My blood is not your responsibility...you've made that _quite _clear. - SH

Oh for Gods sakes grow up! Its a liitle spat after a trying day. A 'domestic', as Mrs. H would say if she were here. Lets shake hands and move on shall we? I said I was sorry. - JW

Can't. My hands are currently occupied. Who thought to put iron in window frames anyway? - SH

Didnt mean literally...!? Still dont think this is a very good idea...! - JW

See what happens when you try to think? And I don't seem to recall asking your opinion. Since there's no one to stand guard while I disable the security on the front door I have to go in through the window. Put that one in and gnaw on it! - SH

Its chew on it and...oh hell. Why do I bother? R u seriously climbing through a window?! - JW

As we speak. - SH

No Sherlock dont do that! Im sure Lestrade'll give it..._him_ 2 u legally if u ask! - JW

I have tried that in the past, all to no avail. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm trying not to leave footprints on Donovan's desk and avoid security cameras at the same time. Most cerebrelly stimlating! - SH

STOP IT SHERLOCK U BLOODY IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL R U THINKING? - JW

I am thinking that I shouldn't leave my oldest friend to languish in the clutches of Scotland Yard any longer than is necessary, lest he be contaminated by imbecility. So leave me alone to complete my quest. Go and baste the Christmas turkey...or whatever dull activity you had planned for the night. - SH

I can see Anderson working on a cadaver. Hes going to catch u. STOP STOP STOP! - JW

I thought you said you weren't following me, doctor. If you're going to lie at least have the dignity not to sell yourself out. - SH

And the day I can't outwit Anderson is the day I shoot myself. - SH

Im NOT following u! I just texted Lestrafe as to who is in the precinct! Is it such a crime to have done some information gathering?! If so, ur a bloody hypocrite! - JW

Because I know you, John, and I know Lestrade. It's a Thursday night and he would be down at the local pub for the obligatory NSY pub quiz. (Tedious beyond all imagination!) He wouldn't know anything about who was or was not still at the Yard. So why don't you come out from where you are hiding and help me create a distraction? This game of cat-and-mouse is swiftly loosing its appeal. - SH

Do you SERIOUSLY WANT ME TO COME ALL THE WAY FROM BAKER STREET TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ARSE? (as usual...!) - JW

I doubt if you could reach the window sill, doctor. But if you took the trouble to slink after me do come in and give me a -shg-asdgknoiw OAOSNGqnnasdg!~ - SH

Sherlock? - JW

... - SH

Oh for Gods sakes! NOW WHAT? I now have to go save ur sorry arse dont I? DONT I?! - JW

john. how much money is left in the bail jar? - SH

i ask because i know it was the big holiday lottery event this weekend and your fingers were itching. - SH

No u ask 4 a different reason & I never pinch from the bail jar. Now...WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED 2 U?! Why is UR typing off? What happened THIS time? OH CRAP! U HAVENT... NO!... I CAN SEE U..! R U BLOODY HANDCUFFED? - JW

sergeant muggeridge left something slippery on his desk. untidy idiot! - SH

and if you are back at baker street why do you say you can see me? i know you can't hack into the cctv without my help...you can barely manage to update your blog without crashing the entire system. - SH

i hate handcuffs. i can't reach the 'caps lock' key...or the 'shift'. - SH

And so u got caught. The money is needed for ur bail, I presume...? - JW

congratulations, doctor, you'll be winning the nobel peace prize next! - SH

Shut up! I told u so! ;P - JW

i think i have a bruised knee. the floor is extremely hard and these officers are morons. hurry it up! - SH

Alright, alright. Im right outside and have been since u got here...What do u propose I do? - JW

i knew it! i said you were out there and your lies really need some work. - SH

you idiot...why did you let me get caught then? - SH

U deserve it! Maybe next time youll think before cooking up another 1 of ur hare-brained schemes! - JW

what did i do to deserve it? all i wanted was to rescue billy from a fate worse than death. i didn't even get to say goodbye... - SH

Now stop it with the false emotional blackmail! U wouldve got Billy soon enough. Lestrade wouldve seen its not threatening or unhygenic and given it back to u probably tomorrow morning. Besides, youve barely used the thing since I showed up anyway! - JW

i never know when i may need it again. i can't expect you to stay forever. someday you are going to come to your senses, after all. - SH

WHAT? Maybe I heard u wrong as I walk around 2 the door but did u really say "Come to my senses"? My senses are perfectly fine thank u very much...! - JW

Did that fall knock u silly? - JW

you will get tired of this eventually. i just have yet to discover when or how. you have shown extraordinary and unforeseen resilience where the others ran away swearing...but i'm no fool. everyone leaves eventually. i'm used to it. - SH

john! hurry up and get in here. anderson has been put in charge of sentencing me. what are the odds of that? how is that even fair? - SH

Im not leaving u, u idiot! Doesnt matter what u do 2 me or how mad I get. For such an arrogant prat u really are insecure, arent u? Get this through ur bloody Mind Palace: Im not leaving so u can stop trying 2 push the limits. - JW

& its not fair. What should I do? - JW

just get in here! and feel free to chin him again! - SH


	36. In Which John Is Reconciled

.

* * *

Ow! Dammit Sherlock! U and ur getting into trouble bug! Its getting me down u know! - JW

Did they nab you as well, John? I'm not surprised - leaping through the front doors is usually not the best plan of attack, no matter how 'heroically dramatic' it appears. This cell is surprisingly comfortable. Nice and peaceful after the bleating of the Metropolitan Sheep. - SH

DAMN U SHERLOCK! I'D LIKE TO SEE U HAVE DONE IT BETTER! At least I got to chin Anderson before they cuffed me... - JW

Did you break his nose? (It is so nice to be able to use proper capitalisation again!) How is it that you can reach all the keys while cuffed? Will you teach me the trick? And admit it - you're having fun. - SH

No no and NO! FUN? YOU CALL THIS... HAVING F.U.N.? - JW

Aren't you having fun? I should have thought that a man such as yourself would prefer the thrill of the chase to utter mind-melting boredom. - SH

I am in JAIL Sherlock! JAIL! - JW

No sense of humour, have you. Maybe they'll put us in the same cell and we can stage a break-out, liberating Billy at the same time. - SH

We can do that later. Im going to try & get some sleep Its been a whole day of tap-dancing squirrels, stinky squid, and some dead blokes arse on the table... - JW

Fine. We can break out tomorrow. I'm going to compose a new sonata from the music room in my Mind Palace so don't bother me. - SH

Bloody wanker! - JW

Unimaginative dunce! - SH


	37. In Which John Is Cooking

.

* * *

Sherlock? Do you... um... know how 2 cook a turkey? - JW

Don't bother me. I'm defragging my Mind Palace... - SH

Why do you ask? - SH

Because WE r doing a favour for Mrs H! - JW

We? When did _we_ agree to this? - SH

When I was talking to Mrs H this morning... - JW

I have no recollection of this conversation. - SH

Ur phone had just made that very weird, very naughty sighing sound? - JW

And? - SH

U were distracted. But u AGREED! - JW

I'm never distracted...and I didn't agree to ANYTHING. You must have agreed for me or when I was absent. Bad form, that. - SH

U bloody hypocrite. But nope. U were there. U agreed. Incidentally, what was that text? - JW

Ive never seen u jump like that. - JW

Not much. Just the usual. Nothing to worry about. You should be more concerned for your mental health if you're hearing voices. - SH

It sounded very much like those texts u got when u were working that Adler womans case And thats not ur usual text message ringtone. My mental health is fine! - JW

Clearly not if you are hearing my voice agree to things that I certainly never would even dream of. And don't worry about the text messages...it's none of your damn business! - SH

WHOA! Sorry for breathing! Is someone a Snappy Sherlock today? Now THATS bad form! And I can find out through Mycroft anyway... - JW

No you can't. I melted the phone that he bugged. Stop changing the subject. Why are you messing with a turkey anyway? Have you ever cooked anything so large? - SH

Well...no... - JW

Then let Mrs. Hudson handle it. She likes to cook and you won't then feel the need to bother me. - SH

Mrs H is getting the day off, u bloody lazy git! - JW

Why? - SH

Because we run her off her feet daily with barely a thank you! Lets give her a break shall we? - JW

We don't ask her to do any of those things. In fact - I would prefer it if she would refrain from the incessant dusting. She volunteers, ergo she likes it. - SH

She volunteers cos she gets tired of smelling ur damn mess and experiments! Need I remind you of the squid fiasco? Or the jar of scalps? Cant we just give her a thank you? Just... just for being there for us...? - JW

You are growing sentimental in your old age, John and you can do whatever you please. I, on the other hand, have a rather stubborn stain to scrub out of my Mind Palace. I hate cooking...stop bothering me! - SH

& there is the whole crux of the matter, u selfish prick! Ur only thinking about yourself! But I NEED ur help! C'mon! Just treat it like an experiment! - JW

I fail to see how trussing up a long-dead bird could compare to turning a heart inside-out. - SH

I vetoed that experiment 4 a reason...stop sulking about it! If I hadnt I would have thrown up all over it be4 u finished! Some things just shouldnt exist outside of a lowbudget slasher flick and I was already feeling off. Besides...bloodstains are hell to get out of the linoleum. All these excuses are because of that text this morning arent they?! - JW

Text? I'm quite certain I have no idea what you are insinuating about. Stop changing the subject! - SH

U know perfectly well what I am talking about o King of Hypocrites! - JW

Never mind. Just go and wrestle with your half-frozen turkey. I'm not hungry anyway. - SH

I NEED HELP! Please..? U need like 4 hands just to hold the bloody thing, never mind stuffing it and sticking it in the oven! - JW

Well maybe if your arms weren't quite so short... - SH

Oh rub THAT in again why dont u! Ur extremely loooong arms would be a huge help right now...! - JW

They're busy. - SH

Texting I bet...& not just 2 me! - JW

I have no idea what you're talking about, John. Damn! - SH

& theres that moan again. Whats going on here, Sherlock?" - JW

Sherlock? All OK? - JW

Just fine, I'm fine - I'm absolutely fine. Go away! - SH

Ur typing like a madman. Geesh! Whats bit u in the arse? - JW

None of your business. This is just lousy timing. Leave me alone. - SH

Sherlock? Whats happened? - JW

Nothing! Go and finish disembowling your poultry selection. It's none of your business! Do save me the gizzard bag, though. - SH

FINE! NEVER MIND IM YOUR BLOODY FREND THEN YOU PILLOCK! NEVER MIND the fact that I burn up money on UR little refusal to talk NORMALLY in favour of texting from ACROSS THE BLOODY FLAT! U just sit there comfortably. Ill make Xmas dinner for us all...and u WILL eat it! - JW

Peace and quiet at last... - SH

SHUT UP! Urgh...turkeys are so big and heavy and slippery! I could really use an extra pair of hands here...! - JW

Congratulations, you have now graduated to stating the blatantly obvious. - SH

And it is anatomically and evolutionarily impossible for a fully-grown male of the homo sapiens species to suddenly sprout an extra pair of appendages. - SH

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Can u just just for 5 bloody minutes not be so BLOODY CONDESCENDING?! Tying this things legs together is more difficult than stitching somebody up! At least they stay reasonably still...even U dont roll and flop like this! - JW

I highly doubt that. And you have plenty of experience with "chick's" legs (as the Americans say), I'm sure - though maybe not with tying them _together._ Now shut up...I'm trying to delete the memory of a birthday party. It's burnt in there, but I'm certain if I get some PEACE and QUIET I can shake it loose. - SH

Would u stop poking ur oversized nose into my PRIVATE love life? Id be creeped out if I didnt know that u dont go there! But its still weird! And totally inappropriate! Damn this thing is heavy! Wait...what birthday party? U actually went to those things when u were a kid? Whoa! 0.o - JW

Worst day of my life. Mummy insisted on inviting her entire accompanying orchestra from her opera days. It was dull...too many little girls giggling around their parent's tuxedos and getting in my way. - SH

Sure they werent interested in u? Tou must have been quite handsome as a little boy...! ;) - JW

Not my area, John. Never has been and never will be. Besides - they were all clearly morons. - SH

Worst day of ur life? Im sure youve had worse days. What about the night at The Pool? - JW

That wasn't boring, John. - SH

But I...I think it wasn't the right kind of interesting? I don't, I don't quite know what I should call it, but... - SH

Never mind. - SH

Huh? - JW

I said never mind, John. It was stupid...just forget it. - SH

That wasnt boring? THAT WASNT BORING?! THATS THE BEST BLOODY ANSWER 2 U FACING THE BIGGEST CRIMINAL MASTERMIND THIS SIDE OF LONDON AND NEARLY GETTING BLOWN UP...? - JW

Sometimes I really worry about u... - JW

And no, I wont forget it! I almost bloody well got blown up too! - JW

I...I don't...shut up, John. I've got better things to do than debate ethics and morals with _you_! Now go away so I can finish deleting this memory. - SH

Um...Im in trouble... - JW

What NOW? - SH

I - never mind. If u r going to be like that...! - JW

Never mind. Wonderful idea. You do that. - SH

But Sherlock...! I really do need ur help. It could pay me back for those toenails u put in MY jam jar! - JW

That was for a case so it doesn't count. Go away! I'm trying to get rid of the image of Mycroft in a frilly collar before the scarring becomes permanent. - SH

Oh come on! This thing is HEAVY! And SLIPPERY! I cant lift it without getting juice EVERWHERE! & the stuffing is now falling out! DRAT & DAMN! - JW

Go ask Mrs. Hudson for help. She'd be delighted to give you a lesson. And why are you bothering with stuffing a turkey? I thought the whole idea of that entrail bag was so that you could clean it out inside with dull ease. - SH

Mrs H is with Mrs Turner. She always takes hours there and comes back slightly tipsy. U KNOW that! - JW

So? She could cook a turkey in her sleep. - SH

Im not happy with her operating anything when shes half drunk! - JW

Well then that's your fault. - SH

Ummm... how? - JW

Because she could have helped, you just won't let her. Ergo - it's your fault. Now go away and stop bothering me! - SH

Thats not a fault...its called being CONSIDERATE! And I wont leave u alone! I really wont! Not after remarks about that. U deserve to be scarred by Mycroft's formal dress. - JW

Why? - SH

Because - JW

That is not an answer, John. If you're going to try and be cryptic or whatever it is you're trying to do at least make it interesting or somewhat plausible, please? - SH

Make. Me. U cannot control me no matter how much u think u can! Oh...thank GOD! Turkey can go in the oven now, no thanks 2 u! If this flat smells of burnt onion itll be all ur fault! - JW

... - SH

GOD! That was a mission! How long do I cook it for now...? - JW

C'mon. U have to contribute SOMETHING! - SH

Unlike you I never waste my time on failed cooking endeavours. Look it up online? I certainly wouldn't waste space in my Mind Palace for that. I think I left your laptop on the kitchen table last night while I was researching sulphuric acid compounds and their affect on petroleum products. - SH

U were mixing SULPHURIC ACID and PETROL? - JW

On OUR KITCHEN TABLE?! - JW

I was bored. - SH

And I couldn't sleep because of that truly dreadful concoction you call 'bean soup' that you forced me to eat. I'm still not entirely certain if those ham chunks actually contained any ham. - SH

Just because I forced something down ur throat because u were being stupid again & hadnt eaten in over 5 days doesnt mean u can pick on me! - JW

I had eaten, John. You just weren't observant. But even if I hadn't, that was still no cause to nearly threaten me at gunpoint...I had better things to do with my time! - SH

What did u eat? The last of the peppermint bark? - JW

Hmmm. So you did notice? Why the 'under PAIN of death' threat, then? - SH

Ill show u pain of death! Im ur doctor & ur friend...its my job 2 keep u somewhat healthy. There IS something very real in this world called DYING OF STARVATION! - JW

Oh stop worrying, Doctor Watson. I. Am. Fine! - SH

No...Sometimes. You. Aren't! - JW

Oh? Then why do I feel fine if you say I'm not? Just how would that be? I survived for years on my own, remember, I'm not an infant. So - in interest of explaining the nagging...what IS your _professional _diagnosis, doctor? - SH

Yes. I am a professional. & youre a right idiot sometimes when it come 2 ur own health. Accept it and MOVE ON! - JW

Oh. How very detailed and specific...I'm certain the Queen herself would go on sabbatical for less. Forgive me for not taking to that vague and untrue assessment. I'm fine! - SH

Whatever. U r really not...go look in the mirror! - JW

I do every morning. Nothing ever changes save for occasional minor bruises and cuts. - SH

I give up! Go ahead and bloody well be in denial until u collapse again. Im not going to pick u up off the floor again. Just shut up, ok? Just shut up! Ive got a carving knife and meat cleaver right in reach...Dont. Tempt. Me. - JW

I thought doctors were supposed to take some sort of Hippocratic Oath...to 'do no harm' and all that rubbish. And avoiding the subject never helps your argument. First rule of debating. - SH

Ur a right relentless bastard, u know that? And a hypocrite! Avoiding the subject, eh? Like what u were doing w/those bloody weird texts earlier? U should be bloody grateful that I dont always quite slavishly adhere to that impractical stricture! Didnt do debating. I did biology instead...Im a doctor. - JW

Then why are you so disdainful of my experiments? And why couldn't you handle a simple little turkey? - SH

I dont mind dissection if its IN A BLOODY LAB! & the bird is HEAVY! And Ive never tried to cook something this big before...it's a lot harder than stir-fry! - JW

And its cooked now...I think. Maybe a little too much... *photograph attached* - JW

It is a bit brown, yeah. Use the meat thermometer...it should still be in the drawer. You should have asked for Mrs. Hudson's advice. And I am NOT going to help you peel those scads of potatoes. There's a box of instant in the right-hand cupboard left over from an experiment few years back...I think. - SH

Thats BLOODY EXPIRED! - JW

U lanky, lazy git! - JW

So? It's just artificially dried tuber matter. I'm sure we've eaten far worse. - SH

No we havent. Its 5 years over the expiration date...That could bloody kill us! - JW

Highly improbable. That batch was the control group. I didn't lace it with Tetrodotoxin...so there's no cause for alarm. - SH

U & ur BLOODY poisons! 5 YEARS Sherlock. Not 5 months...5 YEARS! - JW

So? - SH

Just ... urgh! - JW


	38. In Which John Is Deleted

.

* * *

Sherlock we are NOT using those outdated relics so get out here and help me peel these potatoes. Youve been sitting there motionless (except 4 ur thumbs) all morning...this is the least u could do! - JW

What difference does it make? It looks like shredded cardboard no matter now long its been around. - SH

Difference is the taste. When u get it fresh it tastes like fresh cardboard...it tastes staler the older it gets - JW

I'm not following your logic there, John. - SH

Whatever. I am asking 4 ur honest opinion here. Should I throw this bloody turkey away & get a ready cooked one from the store? - JW

If it means you will stop bugging me for cooking techniques that I have neither the time nor the patience for, then yes. What Mrs. Hudson won't know won't kill her...and if she's extra pleased you may even get a kiss under the mistletoe. - SH

If you're willing to invite such torture, that is. - SH

Speaking from experience, Holmes? ;) - JW

Unfortunately. - SH

Okay then. Off out for some stupid turkey to replace the 1 I ruined because u wouldnt help me. Some fowl really are foul! - JW

That pun certainly was. - SH

Oh God. Whatever Some of ur experiments certainly are! - JW

Not this again! They're for _science! _Do you want me to convict the killers or not? I should think that letting a mass murderer get away to continue his unholy work just because you're a bit squeamish about what goes into your fridge would go against both your Hippocratic Oath and the whole 'caring lark' you're always going on about. - SH

Um...all I did was retort and I get a whole bloody essay thrown back at me! Well Mr Sherlock bloody Holmes! Fine - U can have ur bloody peace and quiet! Sarahs having a Xmas party.. Il get that bird come home and leave! Happy? - JW

I would be if it weren't for the minimum of three commas that you missed in that sentence. Don't come home drunk. Your singing voice really is terrible and you're grouchy when you have a hangover. - SH

Damn right I am! Its not MY bloody job 2 make U tea! - JW

Just go and get the turkey, Doctor Watson. - SH

Oh - and make sure there isn't any butter on the bird or Mrs. Hudson will know you snuck out and bought it. Somehow I don't think that would win you any brownie points with her. - SH

And pick up some milk while you're at it. We're out again. - SH

Do it yourself u lazy skinny git! Youve been sitting there w/out moving (except 4 ur thumbs) all DAY...do u good 2 get some fresh December air. Oh...and I dont do these things 4 Mrs. H to 'earn points'. Its called the Xmas Spirit and being kind, u Grinch! - JW

You really are fond of calling me a git or that completely fictional character from a nonsense children's book, aren't you? Not to mention reiterating points from mere minutes ago. And skinny? How is refusing to buy me milk going to help you in your endless, annoying quest to 'remedy' that? - SH

U r bloody INFURIATING! - JW

Ranting and raving does nothing for your blood pressure or vocal chords, no matter how much the psychology books rave on about the importance of 'catharsis'. Sarah might not let you near the bar or pastries if she sees you with a face that red. - SH

PLEASE. SHUT. UP! SO NOT HELPING! - JW

Fine! I have a lecture to delete anyway... - SH

Dare I ask what about? Worse than that birthday party? (Which wasnt probably actually all that bad, yknow...) - JW

Something about 'personal boundaries', 'harpoon storage', and 'carpet protocols'...I don't remember exactly now. I had to delete that portion of the 'last week' folder to make room for vital information about aviary tips on propolis cleaning, which is more interesting anyway. - SH

That sounds suspiciously like our discussion last week about the proper storage of acid. SHERLOCK! And bees? As in those stinging insects u sometimes ramble about and clutter up the fridge w/articles about? Doesnt seem like vital information 2 me...at least not enough to warrant deleting that conversation! - JW

Of course not. I wouldn't expect you to understand. Just go and get that shopping...Mrs. Hudson and Mrs. Turner are singing the Rime of the Ancient Mariner...I think (can't quite make out the words and they're singing off-key) so you should have plenty of time to go and come back with the turkey and milk. - SH

Turkey yes, Milk no We dont need any. I checked before I left! - JW

I drank it. - SH

You DRANK IT? U drank nearly half a gallon of milk in the 5 minutes since I left the flat?! Dont blow smoke up my arse Holmes! - JW

I was thirsty... - SH

Lord in Heaven...its a Xmas miracle! - JW

Shut up. - SH


	39. In Which John Is Adventuring

.

* * *

Sherlock... are u drunk...? - JW

OF Cours not, Jawn! - SH

*Coursee - SH

Im JOHN. Not Jawn! & even ur correction of 'course' is wrong How many glasses of leftover eggnog have u had? - JW

Just ffffive! Im fine! I cannho ld my lickour! 'm not a lite_wait! - SH

Huh? All I understood is u r fine. And no apparently u cant hold ur LIQUOR! - JW

i am FIne - SH

Im nott a lightwait...don't listan to Lstrade - SH

What the HELL is a 'lightwait'? Sounds like 1 of those new 'green' lightbulbs. - JW

And no. U r not fine. U r drunk Sherlock! Its just not right seeing u like this! - JW

S'meone who cant hold there lickour! - SH

U ARE somene who cannot hold his liquor. When last did u have a drink? Besides when u were investigating the Baskerville case? Youre clearly out of practice. U r normally so cold and condesending...seeing u being so... friendly to everyone... Its just not right. Oh and Lestrade is covertly filming u...again. Thought u would want 2 know - JW

Let im tryy! I WILl hang himfrom the yardarm! - SH

Uh. No. U wont. From the looks of it u r seeing more than 1 of him. - JW

Tolld im too stop sleepin with his wife. Shes cheatting an the last thin we nead is another idioticaly bravee detective... - SH

I can see u did that. Hes turning as red as Mrs H's Xmas decorations. Please stop it. The last thing I need is 2 break up a drunken brawl! - JW

You're a hedgepig, Jawn! They cant BReak up brawlls...there arms are to short! - SH

So you have read Redwall then? I KNEW it was still tucked away in that bloody mind palace of yours! ;) Its hedgehog, actually...lets not start this whole thing again! And at least my arms and legs arent so long I trip over them, like some people I know! - JW

i never tripp. don't DO ACid - just 7 persent and nickoteen! - SH

And u have even stopped THAT, havent u!? - JW

Yessss, Jawn. Yu made meand Ill do ANYTHING four yew! Yew kno what? - SH

What? (Maybe this New Years drinkies wasnt the best idea...) - JW

I love yew! Youre the only person Ive ever said that two...you undershtand me. You appreshiate me. - SH

U MUST be drunk! 0.o I love u too Sherlock. As a friend though...nothing more. - JW

I KNOW, Jawn. Me too! Yu worry 'bout me. Noone but Mrs. Hudson did tha be4...not 4 jjjjjust me. They allwanted smthing! You're m freind - SH

That I am, Sherlock. Thank u and...SHERLOCK! Stop rubbing ur face & touching noses with Billy the Skull please! Its disturbing! Oh my God. U r going to be so embarrassed tomorrow. Stop it! U also cant dance... - JW

I can two! - SH

U look idiotic. U really cant. I suggest u sit down before u fall down... - JW

Shant! - SH

Im NOT a child! - SH

Never said u were did I? - JW

Yew were thinkkin it...THe room is spinniing. WHy? - SH

I wasnt. And u can NEVER nag me about MY typing EVER again! Maybe its spinning because, I dont know, youre DRUNK?! Sit DOWN Sherlock! Ur going to break something! Dont make me come over there and MAKE u do it...! - JW

Justh try, you bilgecovered barnicle! - SH

I will. U r very drunk Sherlock. Worse than Lestrade and hes SINGING! Maybe u should go lie down for a bit...? - JW

Dont need sleep! Mashines don't sleep! Damn dansing ottters.../;/.. - SH

ANd I'm not hungry! - SH

Otters? I think youve been spending 2 much time on Tumblr. And I never asked if u were hungry. U r not a machine, okay? - JW

Am. Everbody says so soo, logikaly, it must have some credidence. My headh urts. NEed more drink.. - SH

No matter what people say you are NOT a machine! How can I get that through UR THICK HEAD?! Wow ur head hurts already? That was quick...! U really r a lightweight. U should have taken it slower... - JW

Joawn. WHy ami on the floor? Or is it the wal? Yew look cuddly...like Leonardooooo!1! - SH

Good God! Youre really giggling? 0.o - JW

Now youve set off Lestrade. Am I the only adult in this room?! - JW

You fell over - told you u would! Youre on the floor. Wait...Who the Hell is Leonardo when hes washed and dressed? - JW

My theodore bear. Named im afta Leodardo DA VINci! Mycrofts fault hes gone...fed him two the bleander. - SH

YOU had a TEDDY BEAR? o.0 Just... YOU?! 0.o - JW

Maybe Im drunker than I thought...! - JW

hut up, Jawn. It isnt funny. Needed a freind and i didn't no Billy yet. - SH

Or me. Its okay I just didnt expect YOU of all people to have a stuffed toy. Figured more like a chemistry set or a mini-maginfyer. Would u like a hand up or is being on the floor comfortable enough 4 u? U r in the way...I need to use the loo, I think. - JW

Im comfy. Youre the best freind in the WORLLD, Jawn! Even if ye do nagme bout EVERYTHING!1! - SH

u NEED to get up off the floor Sherlock Come on! Dyou need some help? Im the best friend in the world? Sometimes I dont think so... - JW

YOU ARE! - SH

Thank u Sherlock Now calm down, okay? Youre spilling booze everywhere! - JW

Im calm. Im absolutley calm! Why wouldn't i be calm? - SH

Heehee. You realy dew look lice a edgeHOg, Jawn. Come sail wif me? - SH

LICE?! U really need to install a spellchecker for next time u get drunk. Sail with u where Sherlock? - JW

To an adventer! - SH

An adventure? I thought u didnt like me calling our cases 'adventures'. What kind of adventure? - JW

Anythin! Pirates! Cannibles! Murder! Kraken! - SH

Oh God. Not with the squid again! Mrs. Hudson still hasnt forgiven us 4 the smell, yknow. Besides...u would solve the murder before the adventure even started! - JW

Not if it wasn't boorring! Adventurr wouldnt be borin! - SH

That's the hole point of a avendture! - SH

U find almost everything boring Sherlpck! Eating, sleeping, breathing...and I seem 2 remember u saying that drinking would be boring too... ;) - JW

You shpelld my name wrongg. It's Sherlockkk, not Sherlopck! - SH

*Sherlock...Lestrades gonna step on u! If ur not going to listen to my warnings at least listen 2 this text! - JW

Ow. - SH

That hurt. - SH

Mke him walk the plank! - SH

No roome for mutiners roudn here! - SH

specialy not drunk and stpudid ones. - SH

Weres my harpoon? - SH

Theres a great baluga wale comin up the stairs. - SH

o.0 Hallucinations now? U r worse than I thought! Whats in ur glass anyway? 0.o - JW

No...no! Not crazyt! WHALE ONTHE BEACSH! - SH

Sherlock! Stop trying 2 shoot ur brother! Its not nice! And it might start a war...! U have got off the floor though I suppose. Or... maybe not... - JW

JAAAWWWN! Give me bak my harpooon! - SH

Nope - JW

But JAWN! Theres a blueberry whale and he took awy my rum! - SH

I think u mean 'blubbery'...and ur drinking wine, not rum. That BLUBBERY whale is ur brother. Ad its a good thing hes taken away your wine or brandy or whatever the hell that mixture is! He is gonna help me get u to bed. So is Lestrade...if he can stop swaying long enough. - JW

Why are we communicated by text anyway?! - JW

More fun! - SH

Thats it! Youre totally pissed and Im not feeling so sober myself (thank GOD!) Off to bed. - JW

Nooooo! Gerroffff! - SH

Im gonna fight 'em off! No army cooooooooooooooold HOLd me! Avast ye bildgeroats! - SH

Jawn? I DOnT feel so gooddd... - SH

Dyou want me 2 hit u over the head with something? Just lie still, close ur eyes and relax, ok? - JW

Jusst leave me here to DIEE! - SH

U r NOT gonna throw up on us! Or maybe u are...CRAP, SHERLOCK! Couldnt u at least have aimed 4 Mycroft?! - JW

Sry. Feel like...like feeces! - SH

WHAT?! - JW

I believe the collllolloqiol term is 'Shit'?...e.s..what Mycroft said...s. - SH

Im nowhere NEAR drunk enough 4 this! The correct term for this situation is crap: "I feel like crap". - JW

Whatevver. - SH

Jussth put me BACkk on the flore! - SH

Yeah. Whatever. Sherlock u need 2 help us! U r heavier than u look! - JW

Only u would insist on texting in a situation like this. Why wont u just answer me verbally?! - JW

i open MOuth, I puke 'gain. - SH

Gross! Just keep texting then... - JW

Cmon, please help us out! The floor is not ur bed! - JW

DOnt care. Stomach is spinninng and head churning. FLoor stops it. - SH

Bug off Fatcroft! - SH

Bed will stop it even more! - JW

xo. Wont. - SH

I really hope that was a failed attempt at the word 'no' SHerlock. Now hurry up. Im feeling tipsy too! What the HELL? THAT WAS MY EYE! Mycroft is tryingt 2 help u as am I. Now shut up and calm down! - JW

Release me yew scavengars! Im not dead! yyet... - SH

At this rate u r going to be! - JW

Blackards! Im ill and my ead is splitttting. leAVEm e alone! Jawn...come fite off my assaillants! - SH

I AM 1 of ur 'assailants' We are trying 2 help u. So shut the hell up and let us! This is getting ridiculous! I want 2 sleep! - JW

Feel sock... - SH

XP I think u mean sick... - JW

feel SOCK...! - SH

Im tired, Jawn. - SH

and ill - SH

dont ever let me do this two MYSelf again! - SH

stomach...head...SOICK! - SH

No. Do NOT puke everywhere again, please! Ill have 2 clean it up & Im not feeling so hot either! Can u make it 2 the loo? - JW

No. - SH

No. Evidently not. Feeling better now? - JW

(Great...ur going to set Greg & me off!) - JW

tired. goin to sleeeep now - SH

Good. U do that! - JW

night Jawn. youre a gooodd freind - SH

Night Sherlock. U are a good friend too...even when drunk. Gonna sit on the couch with Lestrade. Hes looking a bit peaky. U need anything just shout... - JW

MYCROFT! Delete those incriminating photos immediately! If the fangirls see em we wont never get a moments peace! - JW

Double negative, tsk, tsk, tsk. Have a good night, Doctor Watson. Do try to drink some water. You won't want to deal with Sherlock tomorrow through your own hangover. - MH

Bloody Holmes' r more trouble than 20 donkeys! I need more booze... - JW


	40. In Which John Is Trying To Help

.

* * *

Wakey wakey Sherlock! How was last night...? :D - JW

Shut up, John. Ringtone's too loud. Why does the stupid sun have to shine? - SH

Oh, has someone got a bit of a headache? - JW

Understatement is not appreciated. - SH

Oh sorry. Someone is very grumpy! More than usual...wow. Do u need anything? Aspirin? Coffee? Ive already had my tea so Im more or less good. - JW

How about a poisoned dagger to put me out of my misery? - SH

Aw, its not that bad. Just a hangover How many drinks did u down? Do u remember much? - JW

I remember the leftover eggnog...not much after that. Need to reboot my hard-drive. - SH

U had 5 eggnogs and about 3 whiskeys or sherrys or whatever u were drinking (I didnt inspect or closely count)...just drink a lot of water, black coffee & take a painkiller . And u have 2 eat something, ok? - JW

Can't. My head is about to explode and my mouth tastes like something rotted in it. Is it possible for tooth enamel to erode overnight? - SH

U have to eat something or u r gonna feel a lot worse. No I dont think tooth enamel can erode overnight...and that is NOT an invitation 4 u to cook up another 1 of ur bloody experiments! - JW

Urgh. I'm decidedly _not _hungry! - SH

Go away and leave me to die... - SH

Anything useful in that borderline-illicit medkit of yours? - SH

Which dyou want - me to go away or me to dose u up? And you HAVE 2 eat. Doctors orders okay? It will help with the alcohol thats probably still coursing ur system. Will I have 2 force-feed u? I sure hope not! Oh & u will NEVER yell at me 4 my spelling and grammar again after last night, got it? - JW

U r not gonna die...not on MY watch! I refuse to drag that ridiculously tall and skinny carcass of yours out of this flat for burial. And maybe when u feel better u should look through ur text history... ;) - JW

Too much effort when my skull is being pulverised by invisible, malevolent foes. Either give me some 'miracle cure' that a quack just back from the River Ganges has cooked up or shut the hell up and turn off the kitchen light. I am indisposed! - SH

Amazingly, Lestrade called... - JW

Why do you say 'amazingly'? Idiot he may be, but even Lestrade knows how to utilise the phone lines. - SH

He was more pissed than u were by the end of it. Stayed the night here on the couch. Left at about 6 for work clutching his head. Hes feeling WORSE than u and hes WORKING! Theres a case... - JW

That case can go and bite Anderson in the arse. I'm dying here and you people expect me to pop out and dash about London doing the Yard's dirty legwork for them? Pah! Too bright and too noisy. Good night. - SH

You arent dying u big baby! Good morning, actually. Its nearly half-past 10! The thing with the case is...it IS biting Anderson in the arse... - JW

Well good. Why should I intervene? - SH

Hes become Lestrades sidekick. And hes cocking it up...royally. Lestrade was practically begging us to come in. He said something about 'suspicious, piranha-looking goldfish'... - JW

I'm sure. I still fail to see why I should drag myself from my deathbed for this minor, boring hiccup... - SH

Youre NOT dying. Dyou really want ANDERSON getting more involved with a case than he needs to? Imagine if he solves it! The smug git will NOT be able to handle - JW

Clearly he is capable of handling himself, given the fact that Sally is away on leave and he has yet to snap and attempt to punch me. And I may not be dying, but I am in grave danger of it. Where is your gun? - SH

U r nowhere NEAR dying. That isnt funny. I didnt need to know about Andersons...personal habits just now, thank u. And my gun is... somewhere. Where u cant find it. The noise wouldnt be good 4 ur head anyway. So how much do u REALLY remember about last night? - JW

Nothing. There seems to be a gap in the databank. Why? - SH

So u dont remember snogging Billy the Skull, trying to murder Lestrade cos he was filming u, waltzing with Mrs Hudson, & throwing up TWICE everywhere? 0.o Not to mention u were trying 2 harpoon ur brother because he was a 'beached whale'? XP I had to clean up the mess this morning... - JW

Mycroft is a perpetual beached whale...wait. I did WHAT? Surely you are exaggerating, John! - SH

Nope. Im not. Take a look at ur text history. Plus u were being nice and smiley to everyone. But u did tell Lestrade to stop sleeping with his wife...complete w/graphic descriptions and hand motions. o.0 - JW

Good. Maybe it will finally get through to him. She's been doubling up with the trainer and the gym secretary for months now. Lestrade should just leave. - SH

Ummmm...u said that when u were so soaked u could barely be understood. And Lestrade got mad. He was as drunk as u so for revenge he took a video of u...erm...dancing. I dont suggest u look on YouTube. The only people who look good doing the hula are Hawaiian girls in grass skirts! - JW

_JO-HN!_ Why didn't you stop him? - SH

What was I 2 do? U two were determined...& very drunk. Don't be all pissy and whinge at me! - JW

I'm definitely not going to look at that undoubtedly boring and mind-ruining case now. Let him wallow in his own incompetence for a while...I've got better things to do! - SH

Like wallow in ur own self pity? If I tried to stop him he would have got violent...we were all having a wild night. - JW

So? You still could have stopped him. - SH

Hes a policeman. Hes got a gun. I know Ive got one too but it wouldve been a disaster...so I just let him do it. U have to admit...it IS a rather funny sight. XD - JW

Members of the Metropolitan Police Force do not carry guns, John. Stop making flimsy excuses for yourself. - SH

Oh? Im making excuses am I? Thats the biggest load of #%$& Ive ever heard! - JW

I think Mycroft hacked your phone again. Want me to melt it down? I think I could cope with the smell for such a noble cause as that. - SH

No thank u very much. I like my phone just the way it is...Ive just finally figured out all the features. What makes u say hes hacked it? - JW

Your profanity filter is on. He does _so _love to play at being mother... - SH

"Theres a whole childhood in a nutshell"? Oh! Speak of the bloody devil! Gtg hes just texted me. Better answer quick or he might kidnap me again! - JW

Then you have my leave to punch him. - SH

Erm, thanks? Wants to know how we are...suppose thats only fair after u puked all over his brolly last night. - JW

Tell him to start composing an eulogy for when my head explodes. - SH

Just drink something 4 breakfast. U HAVE to keep hydrated. Keep drinking liquids - they WILL help ur head & ur stomach. That brain of yours is NOT gonna explode and youre NOT gonna die! Youll be back 2 ur usual cranky self tomorrow! - JW

Why did you let this happen to me, John? You're supposed to be my doctor! - SH

Well youre not exactly a compliant patient! I tried. I just seem to have a face nobody listens to - JW

Urgh. Think I need to throw up again. - SH

Did you make coffee, John? I thought I smelled it... - SH

Try not to throw up just yet. Itll make it worse. Yes I did make coffee. Why? R u having a sudden change of heart about breakfast? - JW

No. Because it may be...helpful to have something in my stomach to throw up besides just bile. That's what Lestrade said while I was detoxing in his flat. - SH

Since when is what Lestrade says - who is a policeman - better than what I say when Im the Doctor in this whole mix?! And when dyou listen to him anyway? Really really really try not 2 throw up ok? - JW

Where's your bedside manner, _doctor_? Have some pity on a dying man! - SH

YOU. ARE. NOT. DYING! I think I need a drink... - JW

I wish I was. Maybe then this incessant pounding in my skull would abate. If I should blissfully expire I leave my violin to Mrs. Hudson, my microscope to Molly, my blog to Lestrade (not that he'll know what to do with it), and lastly the flat and all else to you...save for my stash of éclairs which are to be delivered post haste into Mycroft's hands. - SH

(I give up!) Should I call the lawyers to write ur will? - JW

No. Just bear witness to my final request then leave me to go out in dignity. Gah. I don't remember the last time I felt like this! - SH

For the last time: u are not gonna die, mate. Just drink lots of liquids and get some sleep. Thats the best thing 4 u right now... - JW

Then leave me in peace to do so. - SH

Okay, u pillock! - JW

... - SH

Sleep well, Sherlock. - JW


	41. In Which John Is Intoxicated

.

* * *

I love u Sherlock! U no tthat right? - JW

John. Have you opened that new bottle of Moscow vodka from Mycroft already? I thought we agreed to leave it untouched until New Year's Eve. - SH

Yesss - JW

i mean yes ihad som. JUst had a fewww...u r the best friend IVeever had! - JW

Um. Thanks...? Why are you drinking? Do you need to lie down? - SH

Noooo. IM FIneeee. Im haviiing som mooorrrrre & thers nothing u cannn do bout it! I dserve it! Why didd u do thattt 2 me? - JW

Do what? - SH

Jumpppp off that bloodyyy hospitallll rooffff! Andd then made me sufffer 2 years! - JW

Is that what you're drinking about? Come on! I said I was sorry, John. I'm certainly not going to reiterate my reasoning as I doubt you could follow it just now... - SH

Sssorty somtimes doesnttt totalally cuuuut it! - JW

Then what do you want me to do? Get down on my knees? - SH

Nooo! m NOT ASkin u 2 blooody propose! Jjjjust promise notto do it again! & try 2 stoppppp beinggg such a pilllock! - JW

A what? John. I really think you need to stop drinking. It's not good for your liver and it's further clouding your brain and sense of coherency...besides, I need you to make me dinner tonight. Mrs. Hudson's off to see her sister. - SH

A pillocccck! U r a pillock! & uuu drank WAAAAAYYYYY moor thannn me the ottttttherr da so donttell ME bout liver stuff. Im a DOCTOR! - JW

Yes but I...JOHN! I don't do hugs! - SH

And neither do you! - SH

Who sayed anythin boutttt hugs? Thoh 1 is sometimmmes nicce...evenif the last time I HUggged u u came out lookin likea torched cat! - JW

That's a 'scorched' cat, John, and no I didn't! But that doesn't mean I want one now...and don't try to catch me off guard. You are advancing on me with arms outstretched. In past experience that means that one is either going to be punched, strangled, or...given the rather soppy smile on your face at this moment...subjected to an involuntary hug. Please don't trouble yourself. - SH

Butt BUt I wannnna hug! tsnot a crime. & sides u loook like uuu need 1! - JW

I _what? _Where would you draw such a moronic and non-factual conclusion from? - SH

The alcohol has clearly gone to your brain. - SH

U loooked lonelllly sitttin all hudddled uop over there & I assumed u wanted a hug!1! - JW

This is preposterous! John, you are projecting your own insecurities and misconceptions about human interaction onto me. I am just fine, thank you very much. - SH

NNNNo ur not. stop looking sew lonelyyyy & sad. Youd thiiink the Hunds of Baskrvillls where aftr u! - JW

I do NOT look lonely or sad, John! You've been reading too much fanfiction again, haven't you? I am not 'adorably neglected' or a 'lost puppy that has been kicked too many times to do anything but lash out' (that one's my favourite) you've just foolishly begun drinking without me and so are seeing things that do not exist! Stop being stupid, it doesn't suit you. - SH

SSSSStupid? STUPID!? Im NOOOOTTT stupid! - JW

I never said you were. Now go away or I'll give you something to sober yourself up! I really don't want to deal with the emotional moaning about embarrassment and headaches tomorrow. - SH

Im ur frind Sherloccopkk. I never goway! - JW

Then I shall. This is grating. - SH

no. DOnt go. Pleese? - JW

And why shouldn't I? There is far too much sentiment in the room just now. - SH

Justtt stay! - JW

Get _off_ me, John! Go sit in the corner and drink your poison of choice since you seem so determined to be manically melancholy and dull. Don't expect ME to respect either your singing stage or your hangover tomorrow. - SH

SHERLK. Why did uuu make me live threw 2 years w/out u? - JW

And you yell at _me _for giving the fans material, John? I rather think that this conversation is more incriminating than anything I've ever said. You'd better hope Mycroft doesn't get hold of it. - SH

2 years. Whyy? - JW

We've gone over this before, John. You punched me. Do try to make an attempt at dredging the conversation up out of the sludge that seems to have taken the place of your brain. - SH

Ii had 2 liveeee w/out yew! 4 to hole years...& what was I supoesd 2o dew? Imm an Arrrmy man & u gave me a shock! Corse I would punch u - JW

It hurt. And what does your being in the Army years back have to do with latent maniacal tendencies? You just use that as an excuse for everything! - SH

ANd u use thee ezcuse that heads in friges r 4 an exprmint! 2 years Sherlcck. U were offf gaddin bout having excitment wile i was left bymsyself. BY MYSELF. Trying 2 stayyy away from Andreson byy myself!¡! Imagine tha... - JW

While I will agree that spending time in Anderson's company is a fate worse than death, I happen to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you never darkened the door of Scotland Yard during my absence and that Anderson was suspended for months making it highly improbable that your paths would ever cross. If you're going to waste my time with sentiment, John, at least make an effort to cut to the chase. Lies and exaggerations are boring and I will not be emotionally blackmailed by a failed attempt at tragic humour via the use of invoking Anderson's name. - SH

I HATE thaat dam werd! - JW

What word? 'Anderson'? I feel your pain... - SH

Nooooo. Bord! - JW

*Bored. - JW

Thats awl u evr say! And its irritting! - JW

But not as irritating as you at this moment. I like the normal John better. Besides; it's true 85% of the time. Would you rather I stopped talking all together? - SH

Maybe u should wonce & a wile. Thnkbe 4usspeak. Itll stop offnding alotta peoples! - JW

What? I am fairly competent in deciphering gibberish, John (I do deal with the NSY on a fairly regular basis) but even my bilingual skill set is failing me when it comes to your latest text. Either speak aloud or clean up your typing. - SH

Whhhhhhhyyyyy?./.? U dothis al the tiime! - JW

Good God, John! This is so far from your normal I can scarcely put a label to it. What _are_ you drinking? Can I have some? - SH

SUthiing. & no yew cant. I rmember thesulk & mess from the LAST TIme u got drunk! - JW

Just...just sit over there quietly, please? I'm going to read a book so you don't need to keep squawking about me going somewhere. If you won't let me drink this away then shut up. - SH

u r reeding that book upsside down! & my fonnne has 2 keybords! - JW

That's because you are drunk...drunker than I've ever seen you. Something must have happened at work, but that's no reason to annoy me here at home. John. If you don't shut up then I'm going to move my toenail collection into your teabox. And I'll film this for the enjoyment of the general public - _particularly _your intolerable sister. Make up your mind as to whether you are a morose drunk or a happy drunk and then stick to it quietly. - SH

Oi. Dont u badmouthm y sister! Shes a painin the arse, but shes my pain inthe arse & I lov her! I hve every right 2 drink onece & a while. speshially tonight. Feels good. Why rthere 2 of u..I cant have had thaat much!? - JW

Because you are drunk, John. Really - this is becoming tedious. What did possess you to crack open the bottle in the first place? Mycroft warned us it was a particularly strong batch. (He's probably filming this somewhere and laughing...you might want to sober up...he can be such a child.) - SH

U made medo ittt! - JW

Me? How did I drive you to drink? I thought you had sworn off of it in excess, due to your blood pressure issues and not wanting to end up like Harry. - SH

I don't appreciate being wrong. - SH

Bloood prssre? Harrry? 1 night like this wontturn me into HEr! I dindt even get 2 finish last time cause I had 2 put U 2 bloody bed & stop u fromshoooting ur brother. U. U made me do this. U anddd yur dead things & refuse ing 2 take care of urself ¬ tlling me u weree alive after 2 whole BLOODY years - this is damnwelll bloody overdue. I missed u. Sooo musch! evennn ur stupid, snarrky commnts & "not caring" bout others feelings cause its uncomfrtable! - JW

I...John, I do care. I just, I just don't...um...do this sort of thing very well. - SH

Welll try! - JW

You're drunk! - SH

Sonow would be the besst time... - JW

Cmon! Just tryy! Wht harm can ittt do? - JW

You are not yourself, John. We don't want to engage in something we'll both regret later - now do we? These sorts of conversations never end well. The last time I tried you punched me. - SH

Butt thennn I also hugggd u! Owwww... - JW

Coffee tables do tend to cause pain when one forcibly rams one's shin into the corner. Maybe you need to watch where you're going during that ancy jig, John. I think I preferred the 'morose' stage... - SH

But Im gud at dancing! Evrybdddyyy says so & I need 2 keeep moving! We r nt a cupple! - JW

Yes, John, I do know that. Even if I possessed the observational skills of a certain forensic scientist I wouldn't have missed that fact - given the way that you are determined to ram it down the throat of each and every individual we encounter. And you're really not good at dancing...please stop. It's disturbing. - SH

John! Stop! - SH


	42. In Which John Is Chased

.

* * *

John. Did you want the frozen scallops in butter or cheese sauce? - SH

Ummm. Butter I think. Butter makes it better! Just grab them & get back here - preferably without knocking anyone over. Why'd u have to do that anyway? - JW

Do what, John? Ask before just grabbing packages willy-nilly...like you yelled at me for last time and got us thrown out by security? - SH

No. Why did u have to stink out 221B? Now Mrs H is mad at us! But of course u dont give a damn, do u? - JW

Mrs. Hudson doesn't appreciate how long it took me to properly prepare those sulphur compounds. And it's nothing worse than the last time you clogged up the toilet flushing my experiments. - SH

I didnt know they would solidify like that! Besides, wouldnt have worked throwing them away in the bin, now would it? I know u...youd just pull em out again. - JW

You didn't have to flush them, though. I stepped in the hole that was left whenever the overflow ate through the floor - nearly cut myself shaving! - SH

Well we wouldnt want a catastrophe like that, would we? Sherlock Holmes: where thugs, criminals, & his own neglect fails - a razor will finish the deed! - JW

Whatever. Shut up. - SH

Go to the next aisle and get me a can of baked beans, mate? - JW

What brand? There are at least five selections of company, packaging, and price. - SH

How the hell did u get there so fast from the frozen aisle? - JW

What brand? - SH

The ... cheapest? Nicest looking? I dunno... Just grab 3 tins & go Thats what I usually do! - JW

Let's try the jalapeño and molasses, then. The picture looks interesting. - SH

It sounds disgusting! Isnt there just baked beans in tomato sauce?! - JW

Boring, John, dull. - SH

Jalapeno and molasses...Sounds worthy enough 2 make u be sick! Besides I dont really like hot food! - JW

Fine. I'll get a can of the regular, boring stuff too. - SH

Okay. But youd better eat those deadly concoctions once we pay for them. I will NOT have them gathering dust or being dumped down the drain for 'an experiment'! - JW

I'll eat them. - SH

Good. Very good. U & ur bloody strange tastes! Go grab a thing of yoghurt and then come and meet me in the italien aisle. - JW

How am I going to carry all of that? - SH

U got us kicked out of the flat 4 the day...the least u can do is help! - JW

Can we buy some ice cream then? There's a rainbow one that I should think the chemical make-up of would be interesting... - SH

Youre not gonna experiment on ICE-CREAM? Thats breaking the laws of nature, that is! I should think that u & ur sweet tooth would have more respect 4 ICE CREAM than that. - JW

Would you rather I ate the whole carton again? I seem to remember you yelling at me (again) the last time I did that. Something about 'diabetes can happen even to someone as skinny as you' and 'sugar highs this high aren't more acceptable than nicotine ones'. - SH

If youre actually planning on EATING it...then fine. Just maybe not all in one sitting... - JW

I'm not a child, John. - SH

We'll get some, then. Just dont go adding cyanide & arsnic & goodness knows what else 2 a perfect tub of ice cream just 2 see what happens, okay? And make sure u eat it in sensible amounts. What flavour would u like? - JW

Well there is a rainbow one on sale so if you would like to try that out I should have no objection. - SH

Not that I have a preference, mind, it's just that that seems the most logical one to purchase. - SH

Yeah yeah. Suuuuuure. ;) Okey dokey...Rainbow it is. U can eat it next time ur watching crap telly w/me! - JW

John...where are you? I have the beans and yoghurt and the ice cream, but you're not by the pasta any more. Where did you go? - SH

By all the cleaning items. Thought I might pick up a peace-offering of some kind for Mrs. H. - JW

Oh good. I need some bleach...where are the cleaning items? - SH

Moved on. Im now by the stationery. Ummm...Im rubbish at directions 4 this place. Just ask the person nearest to u where 2 go if u cant figure it out.  
Or better yet just tell me where u r, Ill come and get u! - JW

The only person nearby is an old woman dressed in nauseatingly shades of lime green tweed and smelling of cheap Avon perfume. She's giving me a headache, why would I ask _her_? - SH

I am by the milk. Do we usually get skim or whole? - SH

Ok I am on my way! We should probably get 1 skim and 2 whole...Oh crap. What the HELL is MYCROFT doing here?! - JW

Probably shopping for chocolate. It's Circe's day off and he gets peckish about this time of day. - SH

Circe? - JW

You probably know her as 'Anthea'. She enjoys mythology. What's the fat git doing? - SH

Just looking around and...Oh CRAP! He has seen me! No! He CANT kidnap me in a public place! - JW

Just run. Mycroft detests legwork of any kind...he probably just wants to nag you about those 'hidden' cameras of his that you pulverised yesterday. - SH

Where ARE u?! Not by the milk thats 4 bloody sure! Hes sent his car driver after me...the lazy git! Get him off my bloody arse - hes YOUR brother! - JW

I'm trying to find you, John. These groceries are heavy, remind me why I came along again? Oh - and I sent Mycroft a text. Hopefully he'll leave soon, the fat git. Next time maybe you should try using acid instead of just smashing the cameras. - SH

He installed them in my BEDROOM! What was I supposed 2 do?! - JW

John? Hurry up! I think the ice cream is melting... - SH

John? - SH


	43. In Which John Is Naughty

.

* * *

So. What is this 1 all about Sherlock? - JW

Quiet, John. I'm trying to think. We should be at the crime scene in five minutes and with any luck Anderson will be the first person we encounter. - SH

WHAT? - JW

Since when r u pining 4 a look at Anderson's face?! - JW

Sherlock? - JW

Ummm... - JW

Should I be concerned? - JW

U r brilliant at filling awkward silences, u know that? - JW

Thank you? Did I detect a hint of sarcasm there? I thought the whole part of 'awkward silence' was that it was a time where there actually was _silence_. - SH

Oh boy...here we go with the snark. Cant u just pay attention 2 other people & their feelings for TWO SECONDS?! - JW

It has taken up at least 203.4 seconds of my time to both endure your attempts at verbal conversation and wait through the agonisingly clumsy one-finger typing just to scan through your texts and compose my reply. I believe I have paid my due for more than two seconds. - SH

*facepalm, banging head against the door* I thought the whole reason I came on these escapades was to fill in 4 ur skull! - JW

And occasionally shoot people who ask for it (or punch them) don't pretend you don't enjoy the thrill of the chase as much as I do. - SH

Well, yeah, that is true. But that doesnt mean I like 2 be bloody well ignored whenever we arent risking life and limb playing leapfrog with chimney pieces! - JW

If you want to get caught in the crossfire of the most recent ill-advised feud Anderson has chosen to open with me (he claims he is defending Sally's honour...I didn't know she had any) then by all means, do contribute. If not leave me in silence to strategise my next move. - SH

Ohhhhh. This is some stupid childish game u r playing! I didnt know u would waste your time matching wits with Anderson...I thought u generally tried to think about him as little as possible. - JW

I do. He's like a cancer. - SH

And it may be childish but he started it! - SH

Uh-uh. I rest my case...what can I do 2 help? - JW

Are you certain, John? Past experience indicates that this can get ugly. - SH

Very VERY certain. He started it but youve gotta continue it. I want a piece of it...oh God. Thats not childish at all. :P I dont care! - JW

Well you're joining in... - SH

Yes. I am. Whats the plan? - JW

I'm...not certain yet. His latest, unimaginative scheme was to douse me with holy water so it must be something well beyond that bewildering choice. - SH

That was holy water?! The bloody idiot thinks u are a vampire! & here I thought u were just being ur usual, arrogant self about his incompetence. He must be MUUUUUUUCH stupider than I thought! - JW

Hmmm. Maybe we should stop by Bart's and borrow some of Molly's lotion. Apparently her second cousin's niece is a fan of sparkly things. I personally feel that we should encourage this delusion of Anderson's. Less effort, more pay-off... - SH

Maybe. But r u REALLY sure u want to do THAT?! Or we should do something way more fun & creative than that! - JW

Why r u wasting space in ur Mind Palace for information on THAT anyway? - JW

It was 4 a suspect in a case. I shall delete it soon. What did you have in mind? - SH

One word: sabotage! - JW

Sabotage? - SH

Yep. Sabotage. - JW

Why, John. You are turning out to be quite the onion. - SH

Huh? 0.o - JW

An onion. That is the commonly-used metaphor for multi-layered personalities, is it not? Personally I don't see why a person would want to be compared to a white, smelly vegetable...but one can't argue with such a deep-rooted branch of idiocy. And when in Rome, as the saying goes... - SH

Ermmmm... thanks? I dont smell THAT bad do I? ;) - JW

Once again, John, you failed to get my point. - SH

Nah I got it, Its just fun 2 see u get wound up! U do this hilarious huffing sigh thing... :D - JW

Are you going to help me in my noble quest or not? There is still a battle to be fought and less than five minutes to prepare. - SH

Oh oh right. Gotcha. Well... - JW

Well what? - SH

U ok with doing some pickpocketing? - JW

When have I ever had an objection to such an activity? - SH

For my idea to work...u need 2 steal his phone. Then we hide it & leave some clues behind...? - JW

Like taking candy from a child, literally. You just have to trip him so he doesn't notice. It is highly unlikely that he would...but I would rather not get caught with my hand in his pocket. - SH

U have a point there. So trip him, eh? Thats not a problem. Would be easier with my cane though... - JW

Supposedly we are going to investigate a pile of severed limbs (primarily legs from the hip down) so I'm quite certain those can be put to good use. - SH

Oh yes! Perfect! How delicate... & the clues? Shall we leave a trail of blue dogprints or dyou think that might be too difficult for the bloke? - JW

I am not certain. It is _so _difficult to think down to a level that Anderson could even hope of grasping. I don't suppose you have any ideas? - SH

Right, yeah, thanks. Im going 2 try & focus on the fact that u r including me & make an effort not 2 be insulted by that last statement. So...clues. Pretty much say: at the T junction turn left. Carry on for 2 metres, then stick ur nose up ur arse and go to Hell...Or is that too harsh? - JW

Not at all, my dear Watson. On the contrary I believe you are doing a disservice to Anderson's nose. It probably wouldn't fit... - SH

*snort* Oh the cabs stopped & here he comes now...Lets do this thing! - JW

... - SH

... - JW

Now what? Shall we follow him on his quest (damp and potentially boring) or return to Baker Street and hack the CCTV feeds (warm and will piss Mycroft off)? - SH

That escapade, Sherlock, is what l call not boring! I havent had this much fun in months! - JW

So to the flat, then? I do seem to recall Mrs. Hudson saying that she was making some tarts and cocoa... - SH

Sugar and chocolate...I should have known. ;P Hmm hmm...cocoa would be excellent right about now - JW

Then let us return. Mycroft's CCTV bug will be a pleasure to hack. - SH

Think u can do it quickly? - JW

Mycroft, for all his other skills, doesnt take as much care with his 'personal' passwords as perhaps he should. Though granted no one who didn't know him all too well (which is 99.8% of the world's population) could guess them. Still...this will be easier than swiping the phone was. - SH

Easy? Really? Huh...who would have thought? He so tries 2 be like James Bond, maybe the security code is 007 or something! - JW

Why John - however did you know? There's a reason Mycroft chose flight 007 for the ill-fated project he tried to run with the Americans. Those always were his favourite films to indulge in with a bit of cake...not that he ever needed an excuse to indulge in _cake_. - SH

A bit like u & sugar in general, then. Is it a genetic thing? & why r u surprised I guessed correctly? I can think for myself y'know! - JW

You _guessed. _I just never thought that you could deduce such a fact from Mycroft - he does take such care to keep personal things hidden. Probably only I myself know about his movie preferences - and if he could figure out a way to erase my memories of the fact he probably would. What tipped you off...the suit or the connection to every secret agency ever created to plague mankind? - SH

Both. And the way he talks. Just expect him 2 spout out 'Holmes, Mycroft Holmes' any day now. What is it with him & that bloody brolly anyway? - JW

There's a sword hidden inside. Mycroft is clinically paranoid. - SH

Youre not serious?! - JW

Why do you think he was so incensed the last time you nicked it? - SH

Makes sense...I guess. Have u got that feed working? Whats our little Andy up 2 now? - JW

Digging in a Montague Street skip for the next clue. Idiot - I had Raz spray-paint it on the alley wall. He owes me a favour...and I must salute his brilliance for using grey paint. It blends so well with the brick... - SH

Oh brilliant! Mrs H, these tarts are stunning! Even Sherlock has already eaten two...u really know how 2 spoil us! - JW

You do realise that she can't hear you...and I'm certainly not going to play courier-boy! - SH

Oh shut up & eat ur tart. I can text her number or forward the message. Duh...! - JW

But you texted mine. And don't you always yell at _me _for texting from across the room? Tut, tut...being hypocritical now, are we? - SH

Once again. Shut. Up! Oh look...Rat-boy has found his next clue. How thrilling! - JW

Hmmm. You know...people really should work harder when creating their passcodes. His was depressingly easy to crack. At least yours now can take up to five minutes of blissful puzzling. _You _don't use your mother's maiden name. - SH

How dyou know Andersons mothers maiden name & yet forget when ur own birthday is? 0.o - JW

And what the HELL r u doing 2 his phone anyway?! - JW


	44. In Which John Is Reclining

.

* * *

I've always known that Anderson was a blithering idiot - but this is just taking things to an all new low level! - SH

Whats happened now? What the HELL r u doing 2 Andy-boy's phone? Would u like a screwdriver 2 dissect the damn thing?! - JW

It would probably get lost in the excessive cleavage of the background wallpaper. What is it with you lot and pin-ups? - SH

Cleavage? Seriously? Didnt think rat-face was old enough to be into that sort of thing! I only use it 2 deter u. And of COURSE u would wrinkle ur nose & declare it BORING! But no really...WHAT are u doing? - JW

Just a bit of investigating. He refused to donate his brain to science (pity - the dissection could have been invaluable to the search for an idiocy cure, as I've said before) so if I am to understand the dull corridors of his psyche at all I have to resort to digging. - SH

I'm bored. He's not doing anything interesting and the tarts are gone. - SH

Tarts are gone because youve eaten them all! 0.o Youre bored. Typical. Youve got some idiots phone at ur disposal - that u can do ANYTHING to - and are watching him run around London like a headless chicken but u are bored. *facepalm* - JW

Good God - one can only hope that Anderson's wife is an even bigger idiot than he is (the only way she couldn't guess his passcode). This is a side of Sally that I _never _wanted to see! - SH

I dont think I want 2 know. No... no please. I dont want 2 see. I would like 2 keep those tarts right where they are thank u! - JW

Hmmm. What _does _he keep on here? It's a disorganised mess (much like his neurons)! - SH

His brain, u mean...so what does he keep on there? Besides porn-Sally, that is... (I think I need a bucket) - JW

A few blindingly-neon-coloured game apps involving bloated red bird balls and something I think is supposed to be a chess game (Set to 'easiest'...no wonder he holds the highest score, selfish wimp!) - SH

Its called Angry Birds. And even I have it...Its a fad Set to easiest...? *sniggers* - JW

Angry Birds? Why would anyone want to play a game about enraged _Aves_'? - SH

Well the Pigs stole their eggs in the beginning and the whole aim of the game is to get them back. U r basically help and...u know I dont think I want 2 get into the semantics of Angry Birds with u today. Something tells me itll be a neverending conversation/ argument! - JW

Pigs? Is that a literal reference to animals of the porcine family or a derogatory reference to the police force (a la America)? - SH

Its the animals u get bacon from. But theyre a bit green so I wouldnt try to eat them...Oh now what r u doing? U are .. sniffing ANDERSONS PHONE?! - JW

EWWW! Think of where its been! - JW

The olfactory organs can provide vital data, John. Besides...the feed isn't showing anything particularly interesting. It's just Anderson scratching his head and swearing blue and green. Dull. Is there any more cocoa? - SH

Just say 'nose' for us poor sods who speak English, yeah? And I cannot believe the mouth on that idiot...& Ive been in the Army! Black, blue, red AND green from the look of it! Yep Ill make more cocoa. Dont feel like tea. - JW

With marshmallows? - SH

U... want marshmallows? o.0 But, yeah, sure. With marshmallows :D - JW

Splendid. Oh...Anderson has found your second clue (at last!), thought you might want to know. - SH

Has he? Damn I missed it! What did he look like...? - JW

Like a cross between a mouldy lettuce-head and a bullfrog that has just swallowed a bee. I must say, John, that choice of wording was brilliant. Now if only you could use similar strokes of syntax in your blog... - SH

No comment. I do not want 2 get into a fight about THAT so early on in the day thank u very much! Thank u, I didnt even think about it! - JW

Hmmm. Not much out of the ordinary there, then. - SH

Yeah whatever. Now whats the Headless Chicken with a foul mouth doing? - JW

Flapping his hands and scurrying back and forth through Piccadilly. Pathetic! - SH

Piccadilly?! What, cant he tell his left from his right now? Where the HELL does PICCADILLY come in? o.0 - JW

I don't know. I don't even attempt to understand the pea-sized lump of underused grey matter that tries to pass itself off as Anderson's brain. How's the cocoa coming? There's some sugar biscuits in the top left-hand cupboard...next to the earwax. - SH

Cocoas done and on its way. Got the biscuits too...Wish u would keep ur bodily things well away from the food! - JW

It's inside a sealed jar, John. Hardly near the food. - SH

Near enough. Should be tucked away in that Frankestein lab of yours...Or even better still inside the person/s it came out of! - JW

Do you have any idea how hard it is to forcibly ram earwax back into the ear cavity once it has been extracted? Not to mention it smells horrible if you try to melt it. - SH

Oh shut up. Im not interested anyway Lets just sit back and drink our cocoa - with marshmallows - while watching our lab-rat dance! Maybe I should make popcorn... - JW

I knew there was a reason I liked you, John. - SH

Uh-oh. I know THAT look. Why have u got such a maniacal grin on ur face? What have u done 2 Anderson's phone? - JW

You know I hate it when you lurk and look over my shoulder like that, John. - SH

*groans* Youve colour coordinated his apps... *facepalm* WHY may I ask? - JW

It looks better this way. Less of a headache-inducing maelstrom and more like a sensible, ordered rainbow that will always turn out the same way. The only problem is the 'Gallagher's Watermelon' game. The icon is half red and half green. I can't decide if I should put it in the miscellaneous section or between the red and the green hues (the colours would be backwards...so maybe I should just invert the lot). - SH

Heh. Look at him now! Maybe u shouldnt be doing that at all...Not your property remember? - JW

So? He was stupid enough to both let me nick it _and _to pick such an obvious passcode. He was practically asking for it - I'm doing a favour. Besides...the disorder was bothering me. - SH

U & ur bloody OCD! Sure hes an idiot & all that But two wrongs dont make a right! - JW

Why ever not? I'm just trying to make it easier for his under-evolved brain to function every day - not to mention defragging his hard drive. Isn't that kinder than deliberately downloading governmental files and having him sent to Pentonville and beyond? - SH

Yeah it is. Just pulling ur leg. U really do make that huffing sound. Like the wolf in the 3 Little Pigs story...Oh hes found the next clue! That was surprisingly quick! - JW

I am shocked. Perhaps we should have chosen a better hiding place than the tollbooth roof at a car park. - SH

What, the clue on the blue police telephone call box some rabid geek left behind? ;) - JW

Yes. That one. I will never understand your fascination with that nonsensical and illogical show, John. - SH

The Doctor is real! U even saw his sonic screwdriver that he dropped the other day! ;) (Ok, ok...that was my birthday present from Harry) I dont get your hatred toward it Whats it ever done 2 u? - JW

Is The Doctor an 'it' or a 'he', John? Do try to make up your mind. And how do these bird-bomb things work? I just blew up my own catapult...this game is stupid! - SH

Hes a he! Its impossible to blow up ur own catapult! Thats actually worse than the vic in Cluedo killing himself! - JW

But it happened, John! These birds are STUPID! - SH

Great. Now youre pouting. There is NO way it could have happened. Its IMPOSSIBLE! And the birds are actually very clever... - JW

They are _not_! They won't go where I want them to...what sort of idiot invented this thing anyway? - SH

Someone as smart as that Assange bloke the telly was droning on about last night, probably. U just have to be strategic and know your birds well is all. - JW

Why do I feel like you are laughing at me? - SH

Because most of the time I am...whenever Im not pulling out my hair. Hows Anderson-Lestrades-Sniffer-Dog doing? - JW

He looks as though he's about to cry, although that could be because he just walked into the side of a car where a couple was...busy. They're parked on top of the next clue. Pity. I didn't foresee that when I had Raz paint it. - SH

Ummmm eeew? How big was this favour Raz owed u? 0.o - JW

I broke him out of prison and retrieved his paints from the evidence room. But he may not even consider this paying me back...he enjoys messing with the Yard just as much as I do. - SH

Heh. Partners in Crime...literally! - JW

No. You're my partner. He is merely an outside resource. - SH

Whoa. Okay. Yeah...thanks. *uncomfortable pause* Look! The ... busy couple are finished & hes found the next one! - JW

Good for him. The search has only taken two hours thus far. - SH

Of course if he were anywhere close to competent he would have realised already the signature style of the 'thieves' and come straight here. - SH

Well hes got about 3 or so left...So about another 6 hours till he finds his arse and his nose here then? Better make another cuppa... - JW

You do it. I'm trying to blow up a wall. - SH

I was going 2 do it in the first place. Wait. What wall...? - JW

The first wall in this stupid game! I've lost _yet _another catapult. I was just pulling it back, checking the angle and approximate velocity when...KABLOOHEY! Damn birds. - SH

Ive got u hooked on Angry Birds Oh My Word! 0.o Sherlock Holmes playing Angry Birds! Wow...this could be bad! - JW

Shut up, John. You're wrecking my concentration. - SH

What about Anderson? - JW

He's stumbling through the water treatment plant...I'm really surprised that he hasn't called his fellow Yarders out to 'help'. But beating the birds is more important at the moment. I will _not _be defeated by a little red blob of pixels! - SH

Knowing Rovio... yeah, actually u r! - JW

Who? I am not familiar with that individual, John. - SH

*facepalm...again* The blokes who made the game, their company is called Rovio - JW

Oh... - SH

Well how the hell was I supposed to know that? Why didn't you tell me? - SH

What's their address? - SH

How the hell am I supposed to know? Why? - JW

So I can lodge a complaint against their stupidity. Who the hell makes a game that doesn't run by the most commonly known laws of Physics? Clearly they need to go to Anderson for some common sense lessons. Sally can be his assistant. - SH

Stop playing it if thats ur view. Holy Lord in Heaven! Speaking of Anderson...hes actually found the last clue & on his way! - JW

Stall him. I have to finish this level... - SH

And the one after? And the one after that? This game has been described as addictive.. - JW

I'm not exactly an addict, John. I have perfect control over my transport, thank you very much. I just need to get my score higher than what Anderson's was. It's for all of our sanities' sake! - SH

Sure sure. Whatever. Going down to the door now before he dents it or bothers Mrs. H... - JW

Knock him out or something. We can lock him in your bedroom until I beat his score. - SH

Ow! He just punched at me! - JW

... - JW

Weak pathetic idiot. Just a tap on the chin and hes out cold...Help me please? - JW

Hes pretty heavy... - JW

Dammit, this was UR idea! - JW

I'm quite certain you are capable of getting him up the stairs, seeing as how you managed to drag me back in against my will the other day. - SH

I had help! - JW

Thanks for that. Hes heavier than u r, yknow. Hope u lose every single game while I struggle with this lump! - JW

Stop wasting your breath on berating me, Doctor Watson. I'm sure you'll need it for the climb. - SH

Damn u! - JW

Hang on...OH CRAP! Lestrade just texted me and...and DAMMIT! Sherlock, every single bloody camera on this damn street is looking right at me! - JW

We r SO screwed... - JW


	45. In Which John Is Warning

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* * *

When I arrive home... Dont be mad at me ok? - JW

What have you done this time? - SH

Nothing life-threatening... - JW

Somehow that does not reassure me. - SH

Doesnt it? - JW

John. Knowing you as well as I do 'nothing life-threatening' could mean anything from you decided to try a new brand of shredded cheese to there is a masked gunman unconscious and tied up on the cab seat next to you. Which is it, do I have to hack and clear out the CCTV before Mycroft changes his password again? - SH

No no. Nothing as dangerous as that this time. Maybe slightly more furry... :P - JW

_Furry?_ What the hell? - SH

_John_...? - SH

You have some explaining to do! - SH


	46. In Which John Is Arguing

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**Previously...**

_When I arrive home... Dont be mad at me ok? - JW_

_What have you done this time? - SH_

_Nothing life-threatening... - JW_

_Somehow that does not reassure me. - SH_

_Doesnt it? - JW_

_John. Knowing you as well as I do 'nothing life-threatening' could mean anything from you decided to try a new brand of shredded cheese to there is a masked gunman unconscious and tied up on the cab seat next to you. Which is it, do I have to hack and clear out the CCTV before Mycroft changes his password again? - SH_

_No no. Nothing as dangerous as that this time. Maybe slightly more furry... :P - JW_

_Furry? What the hell? - SH_

_John? - SH_

_You have some explaining to do! - SH_

* * *

Do I...? - JW

Yes you do. What is it that you are bringing home inside your jacket? - SH

Um. Something small? Yowch! - JW

Yes, John, I had gathered that - given that you are bringing it home in a cab and therefore have it concealed inside _your _jacket. It couldn't be anything _but _small. But that doesn't answer my questions. What are you going to plague me with now? - SH

Um...right yeah, thanks 4 that. How to put this...erm...Molly found a little something in her cupboard... - JW

Toby's apparently got a girlfriend...and, um, and... - JW

You didn't... - SH

U promised not 2 yell at me. Didnt what? - JW

I made no such promise...you _didn't_ offer to bring home the spawn of Molly's furry Satan. How _could _you? - SH

Come ON Sherlock! Its not that bad! And she is adorable :P - JW

Your heart of melted butter will be the death of us one day. We don't need a pet and certainly _not _a kitten. What possessed you? - SH

She just needs a home until she is old enough 2 take care of herself, okay? It wont be too long. Just a few weeks or so... - JW

Two SECONDS would be too long. I don't _care _what kind of puppy-eyes Molly made at you...I will NOT have a furry horror in the flat, invading my space. Get rid of it somehow! - SH

Its not ur flat, I live there too & I have a say. And Mrs H is totally okay with it! - JW

WHAT? John...I won't be able to sleep with that demon yowling all night! - SH

She wont yowl all night u idiot! U dont sleep anyway...u just TORTURE a CAT on UR BLOODY VIOLIN so I CANT SLEEP! WHAT the HELL is ur bloody problem anyway? - JW

I...I don't like cats. - SH

U dont like cats. Well I dont like bloody head in the refrigerator but I learned 2 put up w/that! - JW

I don't like them. Only dead and on the dissection table... - SH

EEEEW SHERLOCK! I get that ur trying hard 2 be a sociopath or whatever but thats just mean...& a bit disgusting. Shes just an innocent little kitten that needs a home for a little while until we find some nice old lady 2 take her in. I suppose the only reason u dont like the idea is because of what the fan came up with on Tumblr then hmm? - JW

Just so long as that lady isn't Mrs. Hudson and...what fan? Came up with what? Surely it can't be worse than the otter meme! - SH

Oh. U havent seen those ones then? - JW

No I certainly have NOT! - SH

...what are they? - SH

You. Being compared 2 a black cat...sometimes a panther other times a snobbish housecat. - JW

WHAT! _Why? - _SH

Because. *shrugs* These are FANS we are talking about! Besides - u do have a way of perching on the back of chairs rather like a cat... - JW

But I _hate _cats! I don't do pets! - SH

Its just doing a favour 4 Molly & itll only be 4 a couple of weeks. U wont ... kill it or something if I bring Sooty home, will u? - JW

SOOTY? John, please don't tell me that you have named it. Assigning such things to animals only heightens the likelihood that your bleeding heart will latch onto them, which is the last thing we need. The hatching eggs were bad enough, but this...! - SH

Well Im committed now & Im bringing Sooty home. - JW

Stupid name, 'Sooty'. I suppose it is a black cat, then? - SH

Yes SHE is. Now stop whinging and find that kitty litter box u were using for Cheepy & Co. Ill be there in 12, probably. - JW

I _hate _it when you do this to me. - SH

At least it isnt a mouldering octopus! - JW

Squid, John, it was a S.Q.U.I.D! Just shut up and get the little horror home before it starts raining. I don't want to have to deal with two drenched kittens. - SH

0.o What the - JW

Oh sorry...didn't I mention _your _cat meme? How forgetful of me... - SH

Bloody tosser! - JW


	47. In Which John Is Haggling

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**Author's Note: **_Wow. We're coming up on 100 reviews! 0.o The response this story has garnered is simply amazing...and very humbling. When we started off on this endeavour we NEVER guessed that it would be so well-received and so, in honour of our getting ready to break 100 reviews, we thought we'd put out a little suggestion box for all of our lovely, loyal readers. We've had fun churning out these chapters every few days (if anything it gives us an excuse to talk more often) and it's clear from the reviews and messages that have come in that our readers are having fun as well. Not only that - but they have some awesome ideas of their own. Therefore, starting today, we're going to ask that when you leave your review you also consider leaving a suggestion for a scenario/theme/idea-for-satire as well. But while we are extremely eager to hear your ideas...we do have to lay a few ground rules._

_1. Please don't ask us to write slash. I mean serious slash...not John and Sherlock moaning about the ridiculousness (or, in Sherlock's mind, the blindness) of their fans. Just...just don't. This is a fic that, despite all of the goofy scenarios, tries to keep the characters as close to their canon personas as possible. Sorry, but slash - as of this point - doesn't qualify for that._

_2. Nothing is sacred. We will gladly mock, parody, and poke fun at anything and anyone from either within the fandom or from the world in general. Even something that you've noticed about our writing or peccadilloes we will gladly satire._

_3. Try to make the scenario something that you could logically see Sherlock and John texting each other in. Fortunately, thanks to the resources provided by the casebook and the blog, we know that they often text from opposite ends of the flat (due to Sherlock being a lazy sod and John unwilling to engage him verbally at times) so there is a lot of leeway there...but try to be logical about it._

_And that's it. Have fun, think hard, and we can't wait to see what you come up with! (Now how many people actually read this author's note...?)_

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Sherlock Holmes! Leave that poor cat alone! - JW

Wha? - SH

Hahaha! U look SO funny whenever u snort and jolt awake like that! XD - JW

John...what the hell? - SH

What the hell what? - JW

Urgh. There's something wet on my chin...never mind! _John...what the hell _are you talking about? - SH

*suppresses a giggle* Have u looked on ur chest yet..? ;) - JW

What the HELIUG1I9! - SH

Oh my God...u r HILARIOUS when youre half-asleep like this! Is Sooty okay? - JW

Is _Sooty_ okay?! What about _me?_ I just woke up to find a furry demon latched onto my chest and then...tumbled gracefully off of the sofa. - SH

Leave the cat alone, John. I'm injured and may require a doctor and sutures. Who's stupid idea _was _ it to put the coffee table next to the sofa, anyway? - SH

Mrs. H's...dont blame HER 4 ur clumsiness. Only thing that looks injured 2 me is ur pride! Lets have a look...lemme just get my stethoscope. - JW

Are you laughing at me again, John? - SH

Yes. I am. This is the most fun Ive had in weeks! :D Since that Copper Breeches skirmish, anyway. - JW

Glad you find my pain so amusing, oh Doctor Hippocratic Oath! - SH

Oh shut up & let me look at this cut of yours! - JW

OWWW! Stop it! That hurts! - SH

...do you think it needs stitches? - SH

Nope. Just pressure...and maybe a plaster. Nothing serious, barely even a scratch. Least u dont have a bump on ur head. - JW

(Why r u still texting..._again_? 0.o We are SO messed up!) - JW

But I...never mind. I'm fine, just leave me alone. Thank you for disturbing my perusal of the Mind Palace library, I _really _appreciate that. - SH

U were asleep. & DROOLING! Besides - u looked so adorable w/Sooty all curled up on ur chest like that. I need 2 now keep an eye on u, just to make sure u DONT have a bump on ur head. Follow my finger? - JW

And u r NEVER getting rid of me that easy! - JW

I know. It's puzzling. - SH

No its not...at least it SHOULDNT be! Now shut up & drink this. Itll help with the 'shock' &...u just need 2 drink it. - JW

If u dont drink it Im going 2 text Lestrade for an orange shock blanket & send this adorable picture of u & Sooty to Molly! :P - JW

I'm NOT in shock, John. And I don't need to drink this thick, syrupy sickeningly-sweet nonsense that might at one time have been tea. I. Am. Fine! - SH

You've been plying me with sugar all morning. It's annoying. - SH

Sherlock, if ur not going to listen to verbal commands we shall just have 2 do it like this: Drink. It. NOW! - JW

Go away. I'm not hungry OR thirsty right now. Have to go fix the mess left in the library when you so rudely disturbed me. - SH

No. Im not leaving. DRINK IT! Or so help me I WILL post a picture of Sooty on ur chest to Tumblr! Im sure the fans will _love _that! - JW

What? I should like to see you try... - SH

JOHN...give me that phone! - SH

And stop giggling, this isn't funny! - SH

No and no! U r NOT touching my phone after I saw what u did 2 Andersons! Just drink ur damn tea and I might consider deleting that pic (after I show it to Mrs. H) but first u have to do as I say. & dont pretend u are sickened by that sugar. U did FAR worse to a cup of tea yesterday...this is practically bland by comparison! - JW

And you are not posting that undoubtedly false and stupid picture to ANY place on the Internet. Not tumblr. not facebook, and certainly NOT your blog. - SH

No one would be interested anyway. - SH

Oh I bet they would! But I wont if u drink that down. - JW

Why must you torture me so? I don't want it. - SH

Not torturing, H.E.L.P.I.N.G - JW

How is being a distraction and shoving diabetes-inducing concoctions down my throat helping me? - SH

U could get ill u know. & stop trying 2 hide the fact that u r shaking. Im a doctor I can SEE - JW

Shut up, John. Your opinion was not warranted or wanted. I'm fine...leave me alone to think. - SH

And if I'm shaking it's only because I woke up to that damn cat clawing me. Why did we have to keep the hellish thing? - SH

Oh? - JW

Shut up! I'm fine, save for the chaos in my Mind Palace just now. Go away and drink your tea. - SH

No! U drink YOUR tea! - JW

I shan't. I'm busy. Stop nagging me - you're worse than Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson, _and _Lestrade put together! - SH

Shut up! Youve been 'busy' for the past two days. Just one or two sips. Please..? - JW

Why? - SH

Dont give me that longsuffering sigh w/an eyeroll! Im just worried about u. Youve been laying there decomposing 4 ages. U needed something in ur stomach like two hours ago. Trust me, Im a doctor. - JW

Isn't that what the skinny idiot from your beloved science FICTION show said just before he abandoned a little girl, came back years later and broke her heart, got her stupid boyfriend killed, then her killed, then her universe blown up, her daughter taken away and tortured, her trapped and abandoned on a hellish hospital planet, and then she and her husband torn from their family in a manner that milked the emotions of every pathetic fan for more than it was worth? Am I really supposed to suddenly become compliant to your ridiculousness with _that _as a reassurance? - SH

WOW! 0.o U REMEMBER! I thought u deleted it! I mean it as a reassurance. And a reference. Now shut up & drink ur tea...this argument only gets stupider every time we have it! - JW

No. - SH

No...? - JW

No. I'm just fine and I don't feel like tea right now. Go away and leave me alone. (And take that demon kitty with you!) - SH

Make. Me! - JW

Make. _ME! _- SH

Look, I dont like having 2 nag u like this any more than I like having 2 ruin a perfectly good cup of tea just 2 suit ur bizarre tastes. But I did it. Now be a champ and just drink it, will u? - JW

Ugh! Fine...I'll drink your poisonous offering. Happy? - SH

Very. U wont regret it. - JW

Yes I will. I feel sick and sluggish already. You _know _digestion slows me down! - SH

When is Molly coming to dispose of 'Sooty'? - SH

I dunno, she didnt say. & fainting will slow u down too! - JW

I don't faint. - SH

No, u just pass out valiantly, Im sure. Come on! Its just a bit of tea...its not SO bad u big baby! - JW

Don't call me that. I'm not the one with a fondness for woolly jumpers and taking in 'poor widdle defenceless creatures' just because someone gave me an attempt at the term 'puppy dog eyes', thank you very much. Not to mention the spelling of a particularly slow first-year... - SH

Oh shut up! Insulting me is getting a bit old, dont u think? Its just a kitten & a cup of tea. Stop complaining like that first-year u mentioned. Its not the end of the world u know! - JW

I never said it was. Must you always be so over-dramatic? - SH

U implied it u hypocritical twit! - JW

I did not! Don't take my words out of context and twist them to fit your argument. - SH

Yeah well...whatever. Ur looking better now...u feeling ok? - JW

No. My stomach is sloshing with a vile brew that you attempted to pass off as tea and there is a furry ball of claws clinging to my leg. Get it off! - SH

U always take ur tea like that, u bloody idiot. Its bloody disgusting and wrong...Aw just because u r not feeling 100% (which I still doubt is because of the tea) doesnt mean u have 2 take it out on poor Sooty! - JW

Don't you 'Aw...poor Sooty' me. You are responsible for bringing this annoying little horror into the flat, not me. I'll call it anything I damn well please! - SH

But u almost rugby kicked her! Bad Sherlock! She hasnt done anything wrong! - JW

It sat on my chest while I was in my Mind Palace and probably restricted oxygen to my brain. Not to mention, judging by the grin on your face as you look at your phone and your earlier stab at a threat, has provided you with a picture that you are going to unwisely attempt to use as blackmail. In my book that constitutes as doing something wrong. - SH

Too right I am gonna do that! She weighs less than 2 kilos! That wouldnt restrict anything going 2 ur brain! Certainly not more than ur eating & sleeping habits already do! - JW

But I drank my tea, John. Are you seriously going to repudiate your promise now? If so, that the _last _time I let you blackmail me into downing your cooking! - SH

Okay okay. I was only joking...no need 2 turn toddler on me! - JW

I'm not a toddler, John. - SH

Well... - JW

What is that supposed to mean, oh King of the Kittens and current bane of my life? - SH

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**TBC...**


	48. In Which John Is Scratched

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**Author's Note: **_Still taking suggestions... ;) See the last chapter for guidelines and information.__  
_

* * *

**Previously...**

_I'm not a toddler, John. - SH_

_Well... - JW_

_What is that supposed to mean, oh King of the Kittens and current bane of my life? - SH_

* * *

Humphf! Its supposed 2 mean that I wouldnt say u r never a toddler. - JW

Well obviously I was a toddler at one point, John. Biologically I had to start as a baby and progress like any other _homo sapiens. _I didn't just spring from my father's forehead fully fledged and grown, you know. - SH

*facepalm* U r taking it literally again u idiot! I SWEAR u do these things JUST to irritate me! - JW

You're going to have brain damage if you keep bludgeoning yourself in the face like that, John. Do try to break the habit before it breaks you. - SH

Scientifically impossible for me 2 bludgeon myself 2 death like that, but I get the impression u wont miss me if that IS the way I die! - JW

Well if it is by your own stupidity I fear that I may have to reduce myself to sending flowers to your grave as I couldn't _bear _to sit through a funeral of folk tutting and shaking their heads (or pinching my cheek...I _hate _it when supposedly-well-meaning older ladies do that, as they are wont to attempt at every opportunity during an 'emotional' event). I'll sit here at Baker Street and rot. - SH

Oka...Bloody cat! U put your tail in the most inconvenient of places! Yowch - u scratched me! Oh hell...Sherlock, dyou think shes okay? - JW

Considering the way it just shot across the room, clawed up my leg, and is now quivering in my lap in an attempt to leave my trousers in shreds I would say that the worst injury received is a bit of shock. Ow! Come get this thing off of me! - SH

I think she likes u! U two look positively adorable together... - JW

No we do NOT! And stop using the word 'adorable'...even in that sarcastic, mocking tone of voice it is not fitting for any Englishman outside of the soppier 'chick flicks' to ever utter those words while sober...especially pertaining to _me_! I am not 'adorable'...you've been reading too much fanfic again. I don't care if you just do it to leave disparaging comments that make a futile attempt at setting the record straight, clearly they are infecting your mind. I'm not adorable and neither is this trembling bundle of pathetic! - SH

Uh-huh. - JW

Youre doing that huffing thing again... ;) - JW

I am not. - SH

And get this blasted cat away from me...it's not right! - SH

No Sherlock. Thats where u r wrong. U two look like u r made 4 each other. Its SO cute, as Mrs. H would say! - JW

Shut up, John. Stop laughing at me. Eugh! Now it's licking me! When is Molly coming to get her? - SH

Her? - JW

It. - SH

She really does like u...shes purring like a rusty engine. C'mon! Just rub her or pat her head or something. It wont kill u! - JW

It may... - SH

Are all kittens this fuzzy? - SH

No it wont. - JW

There ya go! You see? Not so bad is it? Yes all kittens are that fuzzy. But then with some breeds of cats they lose that fuzziness. Sadly - JW

She's..._it's_ butting against my hand. I don't...I mean...is this normal? - SH

Yes. Very normal. It means shes telling you to carry on, 2 not stop. God, Sherlock. Didnt u ever have a pet as a child? - JW

No. Mummy dislikes dogs, Mycroft is allergic to cats, and Father thought that I would probably experiment on a fish or a turtle. Does this really mean she doesn't want me to stop? - SH

Well, if cats could smile this one certainly is. Yes...dont stop! - JW

I'm...not good at this sort of thing, John. You know that. - SH

Ignore that! Just do what feels right & she'll love u even more. So, what does feel right, Sherlock? - JW

Laying down and going back to 'sleep'. Good night! - SH

Sherlock...Really? Sooty is still on ur chest. And I wouldnt recommend pushing her off unless u would like to add a few more scratches to your collection... - JW

No. Don't be ridiculous, John. She's fine where she is. I'm tired and she seems perfectly comfortable. Don't disturb me by attempting to remove her, I have a Mind Palace library to fix. - SH

Okay, Sherlock, whatever u say. Sleep well! :D - JW

Shut up and maybe I'll have the chance to! - SH

U never change, do u? - JW

Zzzzz... - SH


	49. In Which John Is Hiding

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**Author's Note: **_Suggestion box is still open. __See chapter 47 for guidelines and information.__  
_

_Today's chapter is based from a suggestion by_ _**Laynieeloo** and it will be done in two parts as one half of our writing duo had to rush away today. So Thank You for the idea and we hope you enjoy! :D_

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John? I think that there is something moving under the sofa... - SH

On a d8. Go away! - JW

& its probably 1 of ur bloody experiments mutating. - JW

What is a d8? Some sort of outdated recording device for that abominable noise you call 'pop music'? - SH

U mean an 8-track. & no. Im on a DATE. U do remember what a date is, right? Leave me alone. Just 4 a few hours? Please? - JW

Why would a man of your average intelligence ever want to subject yourself to something so unequivocally dull? - SH

Why would a man like u wanna ask 4 a punch? U dont listen do u? Leave me alone. I am on a DATE. - JW

But I'm _bored, _John! And you are too...even if you are stubbornly determined to be blind about the whole thing and refuse to admit it. - SH

No Im not. - JW

Yes you are. - SH

Right. Okay. Yeah this is a little boring. Her grans just celebrated her 90th birthday and she loves the Royals...and quite frankly I could care less. - JW

But its rude doing this! I am having 2 type this under the table! Oh God...her perfume is stifling! Did she break the bottle over her head? No - stop it! Youre making me be rude! - JW

So? Certainly more fun than having to listen to her description of her grandmother's over-indulgence and subsequent self-imposed illness and make an attempt at appearing sympathetically interested. - SH

Not even going 2 ask how u knew that...What am I supposed 2 do? Cant just get up and go, thats REALLY rude! My reputation is bad enough as it is...but shes really annoyi..No. Stop it, shut up, go away! - JW

Ur a bad influence on me! - JW

But I'm bored! Lestrade threatened a drug's bust if I text him one more time and the criminal class has been reduced to the lowest common denominator of intelligence just now. - SH

Im threatening 2 bust ur nose if u dont shut it! - JW

Been there, done that, in no danger now. You're at _least _five miles from Baker Street and you're refusing to leave your plain and stupid date in order to come investigate a potentially life-threatening mystery here at the flat, so I can safely say that you're not going to leave 'Peggy-Sue' in order to come all the way back to Baker Street just for the purpose of punching me. - SH

U drive me mad sometimes! - JW

My apologies, doctor, though I somehow doubt that being driven to insanity would be worse than spending an evening in the rather dubious company of this young female. She has one thing on her brain (if she has one) and is doubtlessly going to spread an evaluation of your choices and performance over her Facebook account tomorrow morning. - SH

U sod...u always ruin EVERYTHING, dont u? Get me outta here! - JW

I am certainly endeavouring to do so. - SH

She is throwing herself me! This is only the 1st date! Ordinarily I wouldnt exactly protest but...damn! - JW

Help! - JW

Why John, I thought that you went in for that sort of thing. Shall I give Lestrade your address as an anonymous homicide tip? I'm certain you could escape in the ensuing confusion and it would pay him back for threatening a drugs bust. I am clean, have been for a long time. And so is the flat, thanks to your tinkering. - SH

Do whatever the bloody hell u want! Just get me the bloody hell out of here! Preferably w/out making me look like a total arse...NOW! - JW

The police raid is a no go. Lestrade swore at me and said that if I bother him again the next murder I'd be investigating would be my own. How did he know it was me? I used a payphone... - SH

U dont think ur vocabulary & general condescending manner has anything 2 do with it? - JW

Now is not the time to be sarcastic, John. Lestrade is being a difficult moron. Maybe I should try Dimmock... - SH

SHEEEEEERLOOOOOCK! CALL THE CAVALRY, GET YOUR BROTHER, ANYTHING! I DONT BLOODY CARE! HEL... aaarhggn! - JW

John? - SH

John, what happened? - SH

Hiding in the mens. She cant get to me in here...hopefully. Oh crap! I only have so long be4 I have to emerge or be a bigger arse than u. Any genius ideas? - JW

You could try clambering through the window. I'm certain you're small enough to fit and you've certainly had practice with such activities before. - SH

Mycroft isn't picking up his phone, damn him! He's probably in the middle of one of his ill-advised workouts... - SH

Window? WHAT WINDOW? This bloody cubicle doesnt have one! CRAAAAAAP! & there is some goon waiting outside my stall, waiting for me to come out! Did all ur bloody deductions about my date say anything about her being involved w/the mafia? - JW

What colour and material are his shoes? - SH

WHO THE HELL CARES?! - JW

I do. It could be vital information. Now what colour and material are his shoes? - SH

Ummmm...Pointy toed, black, fake leather. How could this POSSIBLY help u? - JW

Are there any distinctive markings - frayed laces, embossed seams, or mud? - SH

They look kinda brand new, shiny like the way they wanted my boots to be when I was in the army. - JW

Any markings? What colour is the stitching? - SH

Stitching is black & the tip of the toe on his left shoe is scuffed, but it has been tried 2 be covered up...That help in any way? - JW

Very much. That information was actually most helpful. It is not one of Mycroft's agents but a middle-aged, likely habitually impatient man in need of 'taking a piss' as the term is. - SH

So not someone trying to catch me then? - JW

No. Although if you don't vacate that stall you may find yourself the victim of a rather violent assault. The urinal must be backed up...or maybe he's just a mummy's boy who was trained to always sit down. Can't be certain without a look at the scene. But either way, you have to leave your hidey-hole. - SH

And go where? I cant exactly hang around in here while this bloke does his business, now can I? But I cant go back through the restaurant...will they let me go through the kitchen do u think? I dont care what she thinks just now. This is humiliating...Im ready to pull a runner! - JW

Highly improbable. Especially liberally dosed with wine as you are at the moment (Your excuse for fleeing to the loo...taking a page out of my book and spilling it down your front? I'm almost impressed.). My personal experience says that the staff are far more likely to call the police or chuck you (and your date) out the front door, rather than let you anywhere _near _the inner workings of the establishment. - SH

Then how the bloody HELL do I get away from her? Give me a serial-killer clown any day! - JW

Must you reference that long and ultimately unfulfilling case, John? - SH

Yes I must. How do I get AWAY?! - JW

I don't know. Not really my area. - SH

Well make it ur area 4 the night. I need help...come & get me? U never seem 2 mind crashing my OTHER dates. - JW

Please? - JW

Peggy-Sue, I presume. - SH

*giggles* lol hi and who r u?

An interested party...the name is Peggy, is it not? - SH

Sherlock. What r u doing? - JW

Getting you out of it. Sit tight and calm down. - SH

no its actually rose rosemary carnon i am VERY interested in john! hes like cuddly kittens and jumpers isnt he?

I hadn't noticed, Ruth. 'Cuddly' is not a word I have heard anyone use to describe John Watson...at least not one who managed to live through the night. - SH

ooo is he a bad boy behind closed doors? 0.o ;)

and the name is rose. who r u may i ask?

You may ask, but that does not mean I am obligated to answer. Now, Rebecca, I am writing to inquire as to your intentions concerning one Doctor John Watson. - SH

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**TBC...**


	50. In Which John Is Left Out

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**Author's Note:** _So for our 50th chapter, we thought we'd do something a little bit different...something that has been teased and hinted at before, but never properly explored. So - Read & Review! :D_

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Come along, Pond! - TD

Shut up. A pond couldn't come anywhere; it is a non-sentient object, no matter what the algae-to-water ratio is, and therefore incapable of self-movement or comprehension. I'm busy. Go away! - SH

Amy? Amelia Pond, the girl with the fairy tale name? The Girl Who Waited? Are you there? - TD

Don't be ridiculous. - SH

Don't be ridiculous, what? - TD

Amy? - TD

The name is Sherlock Holmes, if you will persist on knowing. - SH

What? What?! WHAT?! - TD

You heard me. I don't know who the HELL you think you are or how one so thick as you got this number, but fairytales are merely the opiate of the uninformed and names signify little to the morons who believe them so I would very much like it if you would take your person and whatever delusions you are currently indulging in and go away from me. I'm trying to think. - SH

Shut up. Just shut up! Brain thinking. There's something, something just on the tip of my tongue...you're not a Dalek are you? - TD

I could probably tell you if I knew what in heaven or hell a Dalek is supposed to be. What are you taking...can I have some for experimental purposes? - SH

What am I taking? What the _hell_ are _you_ talking about? Wait wait wait! Rory this IS NOT funny! I said I was sorry for what happened to your breastplate! - TD

I have no knowledge of who 'Rory' is, you addle-brained idiot, nor do I desire to. But if you're so desperate to find him by all means, leave me alone and do so. I was right in the middle of an important calculation and it is imperative that I complete it lest my flatmate shout at me for letting loose the radiation of this solution into our flat. Good day! - SH

But I'm The Doctor. I've got a TARDIS and a sonic screwdriver and I am TRYING to find Amy, my companion. Now tell me: WHERE IS SHE?! - TD

How should I know? No one by the name of 'Amy' has contacted me about a potential case so I'm not interested. Stop bothering me. - SH

But this is the temporal-calculation-vortex-manipulator we set up so we could always keep in contact! I don't understand why...Oh ho! Oh I see! I see right through you! You sly Cyberman, you! - TD

Do please refrain from calling me a machine. No matter how apt and flattering the comparison with a computer may be, my flatmate has a tendency to punch anyone who expresses such thoughts. Consider yourself warned... - SH

What are you banging on about? If you're not Amy and not Rory and you're not a Dalek or a Cyberman (the only ones currently capable of hacking this thing...probably) then who are you when you're at home? - TD

I've already told you, please don't tell me that you have forgotten already as it will mean that I have grossly over-exaggerated your intelligence! - SH

Okay, Okay. So you are not Dalek, or a Cyberman, or Rory...and you're DEFINITELY not Amy. So that must mean you are River Song ...(but that cant be right you haven't called me Sweetie or said "Spoilers" once)... or could it be that I have yet another new enemy? Prepare to be Sonic'd you Sherlock Holmes! - TD

Unless you are a sperm whale and I am a member of the giant squid family (which, last I checked, I wasn't) using anything in the range of 'sonic' is going to have little affect on me, save for perhaps worsening my already distracting headache. Hardly something I should recoil at. If you're going to threaten me, at least use some logic in your flights of fancy! - SH

I have a Sonic Screwdriver, and I WILL use it. Now. GIVE. ME. AMY! - TD

I don't have your doubtlessly vapid and moronic girlfriend. If you can't tell that then you need to check into the nearest hospital and make certain you haven't been lobotomised. And I repeat again: sonic will do little beyond possibly damaging my eardrums, even if I did believe you had the wits and knowledge required to build a machine of the necessary calibre. - SH

900 years of time and space and nobody has EVER insulted me or my companions intelligence. At least no-one on the right side! And they NEVER will! Amy is missing, Rory isn't answering, and I have three hours before the sun sets on the Eighth Moon of Poosh. You, mate, have chosen the wrong day to mess with The Doctor! - TD

Oh, are you calling yourself 'The Doctor' now? Am I supposed to be impressed? I already have a doctor, thanks, so you can go and lose yourself in your delusions of grandeur. Do me a favour - when you do it could you possibly provide an interesting case for me? I'm bored. - SH

There is another Doctor?! Oh no, not again! How on Gallifrey could a suitcase relieve your boredom? - TD

Well if it was containing the key to a nice murder is could probably relieve it quite nicely for a few hours, if I'm lucky. And of COURSE there is another doctor. You're not the only one to finish medical school, I'm certain. Though, given the approximate intelligence and comprehension of your responses I'm going to doubt the validity of your degree. - SH

And where is Gallifrey? Ireland? If so I may need to make an alteration to my Mind Palace map... - SH

I am THE Doctor. Not A doctor - _THE DOCTOR_! What is a degree? Gallifrey is where I come from. It wasn't in this solar system. I destroyed it. To save them and the rest of time, I had to destroy Gallifrey, my home. I am the last of my kind. I am a time travelling alien with two hearts, known as a Time Lord. Any questions? - TD

Only this one: what are you taking? - SH

Nothing! It's the truth! Well, at least as far as I know it's the truth...but I saw it happen so I'd say the probability of there being something I don't know is quite vague and inlikely. Anything else? - TD

Okay. You are officially insane. May I introduce you to some of my acquaintances to use as a reference next time they start bleating out their idiotic and illogical slurs against my mental health (when they should be looking in the mirror)? - SH

What? Listen, all I want is Amy. Once I have her I'll be gone. It's fine if you don't believe me. You are just like the next stupid ape, not opening your eyes, refusing to understand what doesn't make sense. But that's fine. That's completely fine. I have my friends. They trust me, they believe in me. And, right now, one of them needs me! - TD

That's wonderful. Go on and find her if it means you will stop bothering me. I have a nose-hair mildew experiment that is suffering due to your unwanted interference. - SH

But I cant find her! You know something and are trying to distract me. This whole mindless conversation proves it! - TD

Yes, mindless. Clearly that is the source of your problems. - SH

My problems? MY problems? Listen here. My problem, most of the time, is saving you humans from all sorts of aliens. And you know what? Every time I do it I never get a thank you. And you know why? Because nobody ever KNOWS. That's the way it has to be. Now, the only way I can keep on saving you sorry lot is with my companion. Except, I cant find her. And I promised her a Pooshien sunset too...! - TD

_Aliens?_ Are you related in some way to the Baskerville lot? - SH

Hm. No, I think I may have met a Baskerville. Of course that was the party at The Golden Globe after Shakespeare christened the new theatre with his first play. Oh, I remember that! Always knew Hamlet was an alien, and that party proved it! Great man, Shakespeare. Great man. As was Charles Dickens. And Winston Churchill. And Agatha Christie. Oh hang on. She was a great woman not a great man wasn't she? Why do you ask? - TD

My flatmate is a licensed doctor. Shall I have him give you the number of a _competent _psychologist? - SH

Competent psychologist? Didn't think you got those any more. Not after the trip I gave ol' Siggy to Ancient Rome! He thought I was crazy and gave me a free appointment. So I went and as it turned out, he was actually crazier than I am and I had to Sonic him! How crazy is that? - TD

I give up - you are an unmitigated nuisance that only the government can cancel out! I'm calling my brother... - SH

Have I met your brother? - TD

Taking into account that you are still walking free instead of being tidily sectioned away somewhere (or working on one of his 'secret' projects) I would judge that no, you have not. - SH

But I have met pretty much everyone who has that type of power. Winston Churchill, Queen Elizabeth the Second (AND the First!), those sorts of people. What is this brother's name then? - TD

Holmes. Mycroft Edgar Sigerson Holmes. - SH

Good God a name like THAT is related to you?! - TD

People in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks, as the famous saying goes. What kind of name is 'The Doctor'? - SH

I am The Doctor, and The Doctor means me! - TD

And I am Sherlock Holmes. This argument is going in circles. You need help. I have the number of a former Forensic Scientist that I'm certain will be able to aid you in bettering your mind, not to mention stabilising your emotions. Just mind that you don't pick a night that belongs to his little _fanclub,_ as he can get rather touchy about that. - SH

Forensic scientist? What would I want with him? What exactly is a 'fanclub'? - TD

I _must _introduce you to John next time he's teasing me about 'pop culture' references! - SH

What? What are you talking about? - TD

Never mind. I highly doubt that you would have the mental capacity to comprehend anything resembling a coherent conversation. - SH

Oh and you are just the best there is are you? If you are a 'Consulting Detective' like you say, and not some new species of alien, what could YOU deduce from me, then? - TD

I am the best. - SH

Oh ho! Prove it. - TD

You are an eccentric, egotistical megalomaniac who currently has no fixed residence and travels constantly. Your arrogance is the result of an inferiority complex, exaggerated by some sort of traumatic incident some...decade or so ago, and you are constantly attempting to prove your self-worth to the world by talking about everything and anything other than your - SH

problems. Misdirection of perception is what you are aiming for, though you claim that it is just because you like to 'run'. That indicates that you have several personality disorders, not the least being an over-inflated sense of self-importance and a clear misconception of your own circle of influence. You make your living by travelling about, generally accompanied by two or more young female persons (Boring!) with which you clearly establish a close, if not - SH

intimate, relationship with. Your lifestyle is unpredictable and dangerous, by normal standards, and you have something of a misguided hero complex. You can be extremely pompous, incredibly childish, and amazingly naive - though you claim to be both learned and genius - and you are currently travelling with both a man and a woman...occasionally courting the company of another who you consider to be a romantic possibility. Am I wrong? - SH

You are spot on. But how? HOW? You cant have known that much about me without outside information. How do you know? Who told you? Was it the Daleks? Or the Cybermen? No no no! It cant be the Daleks, Oswin wiped their memory... You don't know anyone called River Song do you? I don't know and I don't like not knowing! Tell me! Tell me NOW! - TD

I am assuming that River Song is the 'mature, female person' with whom you have delusions of romantic tension. And I still couldn't tell you what a Dalek is, aside from an excerpt from the mindless babblings of a lobotomised lobster. - SH

Then HOW DO YOU KNOW? And River and I...look, its complicated. All I want is Amy. Rory has barged into my TARDIS and is getting hysterical...he's going for his sword. Why do you keep banging on about this poor 'lobotomised lobster'? - TD

I wouldn't expect you to understand - either the crustacean comment or the science of deduction. I would have gone deeper with a proper analysis, but it is ambiguous and difficult to do so without visual evidence. - SH

Oi! That is ENOUGH! You asked for it! If I EVER catch up with you... *TARDIS dematerialises* - TD

Did I? - SH

... - SH

Idiot! - SH

Um...Sherlock...who the hell was that? - JW

No one of significance, John. - SH

Why do I feel like Ive missed something...? - JW


	51. In Which John Is Complimented

**Previously...**

_I need help...come & get me? U never seem 2 mind crashing my OTHER dates. - JW_

_Please? - JW_

_Peggy-Sue, I presume. - SH_

_..._

_the name is rose. who r u may i ask?_

_You may ask, but that does not mean I am obligated to answer. Now, Rebecca, I am writing to inquire as to your intentions concerning one Doctor John Watson. - SH_

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i am rose! john is amazing and adorable! i think im in love :D

That is the problem right there. It never ends well when an under-evolved and too-generously-shaped individual attempts to perform an imitation of the ability to 'think'. Besides, love is a construct of the foolish...what does it have anything to do with what you're looking for? - SH

lol love makes u the happiest person in the world. and john makes me happy! who r u anyway?

Sherlock Holmes, John's flatmate and friend. - SH

oh! the hat detective! that hat makes me lol every time I see it!

Rose hasnt left yet, Sherlock she has still got me hostage! - JW

Yes. It would seem that that hat has become something of an icon to those idiotic enough to blindly follow the lemming masses. It is clear which you are. Now I repeat my question; what exactly are your intentions towards John? - SH

Have patience, John. I'm working on it. - SH

my intentions w/ john? do u really have no imagination? u poor man! hes coming home w/ me 2nite! lol! :P

Patience? Would YOU be patient if u were being held hostage by some psychotic fangirl & reduced to kneeling on the floor of some godforsaken loo?! - JW

I thought as much. People such as you are depressingly predicatble, Rita. How dull! - SH

rose. just rose. me and him r gonna have loads of fun 2nite arent we John?

Eh... no I dont think so. This is only the first date. Dont u think we should take it nice & slow? - JW

Take what slow, John? I thought you wanted me to hurry up and get her out of your hair... - SH

why? ur smexily adorable and we r like soulmates! why take it slow? lol :P

SHERLOCKKKKKK! - JW

Not u go slow! In fact u should hurry the bloody hell up! I am tellin her to go slow! (& hopefully stop) Im not THIS desperate yet! - JW

Rowena, you are an idiot. You and John may be 'made for each other' in the sense that the mechanics and biology of human reproduction requires a male and female participant, but as for compatibility you and John are as different as two people could be. - SH

John - then why did you send the message to me? Why not just tell her verbally? - SH

Because my stupid phone has got us three into a 'conversation' And I dont know how 2 turn the bloody thing off! And I am still hiding so I cant tell her myself! - JW

Oh...well, just hang in there, John. I'll get you out of this, don't worry about a thing. - SH

Renee, there is a word used to describe women like you - but I hesitate to use it in reference to your person, lest I insult others of that ilk. - SH

*giggles* lol. thank u 4 the compliment! :P

What? How could _anyone_ be so stupid? I deal with the lowest common denominator of_homo sapiens _on nearly a daily basis, but you, Rosita, are setting new records for sheer imbecility! I weep for the future of the human race if yours are the genes being passed down. - SH

John, I have always questioned your taste in women, but I think you should just swear off of dating from here on out if you have been reduced to choosing ones such as this. - SH

what? werent u paying me a compliment? i think i deserve it anyway! :P

Im not gonna swear off women... Just choose ones with a higher IQ... - JW

You certainly did deserve that comment, though I fail to see how anyone capable of the most basic functions of walking and talking could possibly misconstrue it as a compliment, but you do not deserve John. He may have low standards set out of desperation, but he could do so much better; and he should. - SH

The day I see that happen, John, is the day I kiss Anderson. You have deplorable tastes. - SH

wait a min. if ur that dishy detective w/the funny hat...does that mean u wanna join us? 0.o

ooo...kinky!

I have absolutely zero interest in a ménage a trois with anyone, let alone someone of your brainless standing. And even if I was (which I am not, you are stupid) John would not be amenable to such a proposition. Now are you quite finished wasting our time with your brainless babblings or should I have the MI5 mobilised under rumour of a threat to the national public? - SH

ur such a kidder

I assure you I am not. I would remove you from the picture myself, but being the defendant at a murder trial is _such _a tedious waste of time. - SH

what? what is that supposed to mean?

What it means, Rosemary, is that you are a moronic excuse for a human being who is both a worthless user and a selfish whore. You pick up men to use for a bit of quick pleasure and then promptly cheat on them without even having the sense to make an attempt at hiding it. You are small-minded, idiotic, and stupid and you make no attempt to remedy that fact, being quite content to make your way in the world by use of your rather dubious looks simply because you have no interests beyond finding the hottest one night stands. You are the reason that young folk are scorned and looked down upon and waste of minds such as you frequently indulge in disgusts me. John Watson is worth easily a million of you and I think it is about time he realised just how much of a predatory waste of space you are. He is not going home with you, he is not sleeping with you, and you are not worthy to even breath the same air as him so shut up and go away! - SH

Sherlock, what did u do? Shes looking green. - JW

u FREAK! theyre all right about u...ur a psychopath stalker. im outa here - u 2 go back and shag for all i care!

UR paying 4 dinner, john. goodBYE!

She is gone, John. You can come out from behind the counter now. - SH

Do I even want to know what u resorted to? That was quite the reaction u caused, I thought for a moment she was going to slap me. - JW

Oh all in a day's work, John. No thanks required. She was an idiot. - SH

Thank you, all the same. I havent had a date this disastrous since the night with the Clopin twins mixup! - JW

Hmm. Riveting. Are you coming home now? - SH

Yeah, since u scared off my date (thanks again...4 once u were right about her) I thought maybe we could finish that Bond marathon with some popcorn. - JW

Maybe. Bring milk, we've run out. - SH

And you're welcome. - SH


	52. In Which John Is Reminded

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**Author's Note:** _Today's chapter comes courtesy of a suggestion from _**jessicaj321**_...so let us give credit where credit is due and say a GIANT thank-you!_

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Sherlock... WHY THE HELL ARE THERE CHICKENS IN OUR BLOODY FLAT?! - JW

What? What are you talking about, John? I haven't been home all day. - SH

So u wouldnt happen 2 know ANYTHING about Cheepy & Co. finding a new nest in my new jumper? Theyre not any LESS intrusive now that theyre grown up! - JW

Cheepy? John - Cheepy is long gone. What the HELL did you take? Have you been dabbling in Mrs. Hudson's soothers? They're not as good for brainwork as you'd think they'd be... - SH

Oh great u dont believe me then? Nice friend u r, assuming IM on something weird! Here take a look 4 yourself! *picture attached* - JW

What the HELL? - SH

John..._what have you done?! _- SH

What have I DONE? What so coming home and finding half the bloody chicken farm in MY jumper is something I HAVE DONE? - JW

Well I certainly haven't been home since yesterday morning, so it _must _have been you. Why is that troublesome poultry lot back in our flat? I thought that nightmare was over. - SH

Yeah I can see u havent been home in awhile...the flat actually smells normal! I have no idea how these bloody things got here! - JW

Don't let them in the bathroom. - SH

Please dont tell me there is another squid in the tub! - JW

What? No...no, of _course _not! - SH

Just a pan of tongues in the sink. Hate to think what the Demon Poultry might do to them. - SH

*mother of all facepalms* IN WHAT WAY IS A PAN OF GROSS, DISGUSTING TONGUES IN THE DAMN SINK BETTER THAN A ROTTING SQUID IN THE BLOODY TUB?! - JW

It doesn't smell like fish? Isn't that what you and Mrs. Hudson yelled at me about for approx 45 minutes last time? The things you two do to obstruct the advance of science! - SH

So u trying to blow the flat up almost weekly is all in the name of science? *rolls eyes* What the HELL are we going 2 DO about these BLOODY chickens?! - JW

How am I supposed to know? Do I look like an expert on animal extermination? - SH

I wasnt talking about KILLING them u heartless... person. I dont really mean _that..._its cruel and will make a mess. Just getting a little mad...Come back to the flat please? Just for a bit...? I could really use the help! - JW

I'm working, John. Molly is about to perform an autopsy on a particularly interesting corpse and, as she's refused to Skype it with me again, I have to get into her lab. - SH

ANOTHER one?! Yeah that Skype conference the other day... THAT I will never forget! & it was during supper too! But Sherlock they arebfjdkddkffkfkdks - JW

John...you really need to stop aberrant wildlife from hijacking your electronics. It is becoming tedious. - SH

Hey I really couldnt stop Hammy that time! He would have bitten me! And rabies shots are NOT fun!¡;«:«/»''¿- Get ogf you bloody thing!'?'/.-« - JW

Which one was it this time...Cheepy, Fluffpuff, or Oddball? - SH

(Why did we let Mrs. H. name them again?) I cant tell! They all look the same! Hang on! Why have U remembered their names? Wouldve thought u 'deleted' them after the way u complained! - JW

I...I haven't had the chance to do a full-system purge yet. Anyway, what does it matter? Just get rid of them! - SH

Yeah yeah yeah. Then what was that 'purge' last week when I needed you to help me find the kettle under the mound of your science... stuff, hmmm? - JW

I cant get rid of them, I dont what 2 do that wont make Mrs. H. mad at me! If she knows theyre back we shall NEVER get rid of em! - JW

Seeing as how this is undoubtedly Anderson's next move in our pathetically unbalanced human chess game, I should say that perhaps immediate decapitation and delivery might be in order. I hate chickens! - SH

Yeah & u let them sleep on ur bed when they were last here, why...? - JW

I am NOT killing them! Imagine the mess! - JW

I never allowed those feathery horrors to sleep on my bed. That was YOUR idea after they tore apart your Christmas jumper... - SH

& ruined my favourite mug. - JW

I had a sore back for weeks after having to sleep on the sofa... - SH

U sleep on the couch all the time...stop making excuses! OW! They are pecking at my toes! - JW

Now you know how I felt. There's a Moroccan scimitar under my dresser if it gets real bad... - SH

I AM NOT GONNA KILL THEM! - JW

Then what do you propose we do? Molly is cutting out a partially-disintegrated liver and I'm missing it because of those damn chickens. - SH

And youre COMPLAINING? - JW

The pattern of septic tissue was most interesting...If I'm lucky she'll let me have a sample. - SH

Please dont come and put it in the fridge! I dont think I could take chickens & rotting flesh at the same time... - JW

No, seriously, dont. Its been a LONG day! - JW

The thought never even crossed my mind. I wanted to see what would happen if it was left in a humid room at about 34 degrees for eight hours. The bathroom will suffice, though I'll have to move the tongues. Make sure those damn birds are gone before I get home. I do _not _want to enter the flat and be swarmed by the hellish things. - SH

Aw...theyre just excited to see their daddy again! ;) - JW

That's not funny, John. - SH

Yeah it kinda is. - JW

Just keep them away from me! - SH

No can do Sherlock! Im having a hard enough time keeping them from raising our rent...AGAIN. Spoke to a farmer Harry recommended (after she got done laughing)... he is only gonna be here tomorrow evening... - JW

Then I'll just sleep here at Bart's until he removes them. Molly will bring me coffee and the lab just got a new x-ray machine... - SH

Oh come on. We can lock them in the bathroom for the night! - JW

They are NOT going into the bathroom with my tongues! Lock them in your room, if you're so determined to get me back into the flat. You can sleep in my bed tonight. - SH

Dont fuel the fangirls! - JW

What? - SH

YOURE NOT THAT OBLIVIOUS! I am NOT sleeping in YOUR bed! - JW

Why not? Do you really want to sleep in the same room as the chickens? - SH

No...Just... forget it - JW

Fine. If you want to sit up all night and watch me shred liver then go ahead. Just don't yell at me when Sarah shouts at you for falling asleep at work again. It won't be my fault this time! - SH

Amazingly, yes! - JW

So why don't you take my bed then? I'm offering you a solution, John...why are you trying to make things difficult? - SH

A solution that could make us both happy... - SH

And what if Mrs. H finds out? She will NEVER give us a moments peace! - JW

No...no I'm not sleeping in your bed. I'll take the sofa since youre clearly not planning on getting any shuteye. Just get home & dont u DARE bring any septic tissue w/you! - JW


	53. In Which John Is Heckled

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**Author's Note:** _Today's chapter comes courtesy of a suggestion from_ **ArtyDiane**..._and is a two-parter, so today is mostly set-up. Thanks to the mind behind it and we hope you enjoy!_

* * *

Bored! When's the next case? Any clients lined up for today? - SH

Yes in fact there is. One Cassie Mohles with a very interesting case... Or so she says! - JW

So she says. Is she the email with the nose piercing avatar and alarming overuse of textspeech? - SH

Not sure... let me check...I do believe u r right! - JW

Then she is probably small-minded, thick, and dull...with a case to match. Do we have to see her? - SH

Hey, hey. Dont judge a book by its cover! Yes. We do! At least even listening 2 her is doing more than shooting the bloody wall! - JW

I can't do that, John. You used up the last of the ammunition last night and haven't bothered to acquire more. - SH

Not havent bothered! Havent had the bloody time to! I have been running after u this whole week! - JW

And yet you still found time to add a moustache to my smiley face... - SH

Of course I did! I couldnt resist! XP It had been a trying day... - JW

She says she shall be here at 3:05. Thats in 10 minutes! - JW

Dull. You'd better get dressed, then. Somehow I don't think she'll respect a man in pink polka-dotted pyjamas. - SH

And u in ur dressing gown is better, how? And my pyjamas are NOT pink! This is red, thank u very much. Youve had a fetish over the bloody colour since that taxi driver case! I can reach out and touch u... literally! Whats with the texting? - JW

I'm bored. And looking up at your 'duds' leaves me temporarily blind. I do _not _have a fetish for pink! - SH

Yeah. U so do. Oh! She is gonna be here in 5 minutes...so get up off ur lazy arse and go make some tea! - JW

Approximately 98 seconds ago you said it was ten minutes. Even with your painfully slow attempts at typing there is no reason for the clock to jump ahead that much. - SH

Whatever! I am going & getting dressed...I suggest u do the same! - JW

It's about time... - SH

Bit rich coming from u! Wasnt it u who went 2 BUCKINGHAM PALACE in nothing but a SHEET? - JW

Ah yes...I honestly thought that Mycroft was going to burst a blood vessel. Such memories! - SH

Yeah they were great. If a bit awkward... - JW

Why do you say they were awkward? _Your _brother didn't step on your covering...pesky Mycroft, always getting in the way! - SH

U shouldnt have gone there in a sheet in the first place! - JW

Why not? I was in the middle of a case and Mycroft stuck his oversized nose in to interrupt me. - SH

A case that the answer was so obvious it was 'transparent'! - JW

Mycroft just likes to show off. - SH

Thank God youre above doing THAT! Or... maybe not... - JW

What is that supposed to mean? - SH

The 'Great Detective' cant work that 1 out? Im amazed! 0_o - JW

Oh shut up and get down here, John. The client will be here in three minutes. How long does it take one man of your stature to get dressed? - SH

Shut up Sherlock! I will be down in two seconds! - JW

One second, two second, three second... - SH

Very mature (NOT!) - JW

...Six second, seven second, eight second... - SH

Sherlock! Do u want 2 be deducing our client with only one eye? - JW

Why? Did you put on a pink shirt? - SH

Because I did. Only one thats not covered in blood or grime or something. - JW

You honestly own a pink shirt? I was just making a joke, you know. Was it a gift from that sister of yours? - SH

No. Actually I was being sarcastic. U would be down 1 eye because I punched u in the face! - JW

When was this supposed to have happened? - SH

Never mind! Just forget it. I am down now and the clienis here now...I think. - JW

Sherlock? Sherlock - r u ok? - JW

Answer me verbally, dammit! - JW

Are u choking?! - JW

The Woman would be proud... - SH

Freud would be ecstatic... - SH

SHERLOCK!? Oh hell...I didnt mean THAT! - JW

Breath, Sherlock! - JW

*the client is O_o - JW

C'mon...BREATH! Youre going red as a beet! - JW

Your _face! - _SH

Ok...thats getting a bit scary now. - JW

Sherlock! Do I need to get u to the hospital or something?! U look like u r having a fit! 0_o - JW

_Really _must forward that to a very old connection! - SH

Please may I ask... WHO? - JW

Never mind, John...you wouldn't be interested. Just pass me a tissue, will you? My eyes are watering. - SH

Fine! Glad I was such a huge source of amusement 4 u! - JW

You're very welcome. - SH

Damn. & ur giggles are starting up again...try 2 get it together before the CLIENT gets up here? - JW

U have a dirty mind, u know that? - JW

Sherlock! Stop it! It wasnt THAT funny! Or even funny at all in the first place! - JW

Yes it was, John! - SH

No. It wasnt. U know I think I am gonna go off out. U can handle this on ur own & I cant take any more of ur stupid sniggers. Bye! - JW

But _John! _She has a nose-piercing! - SH

So bloody WHAT?! Does that mean youve deduced shes a psycho in disguise that I need 2 shoot? I am out of here! Good. Bye! - JW

_JOHN! - _SH

I. Said. Good. Bye! - JW

* * *

**TBC...**


	54. In Which John Is Stuck

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* * *

**Previously...**

_U have a dirty mind, u know that? - JW_

_Sherlock! Stop it! It wasnt THAT funny! Or even funny at all in the first place! - JW_

_Yes it was, John! - SH_

_No. It wasnt. U know I think I am gonna go off out. U can handle this on ur own & I cant take any more of ur stupid sniggers. Bye! - JW_

_But John! She has a nose-piercing! - SH_

_So bloody WHAT?! Does that mean youve deduced shes a psycho in disguise that I need 2 shoot? I am out of here! Good. Bye! - JW_

_JOHN! - SH_

_I. Said. Good. Bye! - JW_

* * *

John...she's petting Billy. - SH

I don't like this. - SH

So BLOODY WHAT?! - JW

Come back to the flat at once. There's _far _too much stupid in the room! - SH

I thought I was stupid because NO ONE can compare 2 u and ur MASSIVE intellect! I am out & not coming back until at LEAST this evening. Good day! - JW

But you're not stupid, John. You are a fantastic man of average intelligence who somehow manages to both lessen the irritating qualities of the idiot masses and to stimulate genius in others. - SH

Wow 0.o That makes me feel SO much better. Or not... - JW

Just do what u do every day. U did this stuff before I was around and the two years u were... gone didnt u? So this is some harmless woman who needs help. Her case'll probably take u 5 minutes anyway! If not, youve never had problems with throwing clients out be4. One more message Sherlock, and I swear I will switch my phone off, got it? - JW

Please. - SH

Why? - JW

I need you. - SH

For what? - JW

Um...moral support? - SH

Oh thats one of the most fool-proof excuses I have ever heard! Well done, Holmes! I applaud u 4 ur creativity! - JW

Thank you. Now will you come back to the flat? She won't stop staring at me. - SH

It wasnt a compliment, u pillock! Shes staring at u...? Why? Shes a client, she should be talking! Granted ur glares can be kinda intimidating to the non-desensitised, but...no dont answer, never mind, not interested. Im busy. See u later 4 dinner! By the way.. what have u done w/my credit card? It's not in my wallet and u were the only other one around. - JW

I needed it. - SH

*takes deep breath* Where. Is. It?! - JW

In the rubbish bin. - SH

WHAAAAAT?! - JW

I put it in the rubbish bin. - SH

WHY THE HELL DID U DO THAT? I NEED that thing to buy things that - most of the time - YOU need! - JW

I needed it to pick a lock. The edge is shredded now, didn't think you'd want another chip n' pin battle... - SH

So. WHAT. Am. I. Supposed. To. NOW?! Its an absolute pain 2 go and get a new one now! I really wish u would THINK before u do something!? - JW

I did think. Mine was doubling as a petri dish since you ruined the last one chucking out my lactic-acid and bacteria experiment. It was only logical to use yours. - SH

Unless u sponsor me I am not gonna be able buy ANYTHING until I get a new card! And when they ask me why I need another one? What must I say, hmmm? "My flatmate decided to shred it in a door, sorry!" - JW

I needed to get in there! - SH

Or WHAT?! The universe would have exploded or something? - JW

No, but a very distraught mother might have slapped me. - SH

Well someone hitting u hasnt happened before has it...? Oh wait... it has! U even asked me 2 hit u that one time! - JW

That was for a case, John. Speaking of which, this young female person has finally broken out of her trance. - SH

Wow. That took a while! Shes been staring at u this WHOLE time?! - JW

Yes. - SH

Whoa! 0_o Whats wrong with her?! Usually when u do ur Mr. Grumpy Grinch routine they run screaming in the other direction! - JW

I honestly don't know. Come back to the flat and run a test for brain damage? - SH

No. What is her case? - JW

Boring a hole through my chest with her eyes, it would seem. She has yet to utter a sound. This is dull! - SH

I spoke too soon. She says her brother will be over shortly and that the case really revolves around him. - SH

Sit her down in my armchair and offer her a cuppa. U should at least get a 'Yes' or 'No' from her! What have u deduced from her then...? - JW

Aside from the fact that she is an idiot, nothing. I'm not about to waste my time. - SH

Oh? Cassie Mohles has a brother...Do u know his name...? - JW

Nope. - SH

Okay. She still staring at u...? - JW

Sherlock? - JW

Oh God! John - come back to the flat right away! - SH

I'm sorry I laughed at your unfortunate typo. - SH

Whats happened? Sherlock r u okay?! - JW

This is an insult to all beings capable of comprehensive thought! - SH

Sherlock! WHAT is an insult? Im coming back to the flat. There is just traffic! - JW

Whats got ur knickers in such a twist? - JW

The brother is apparently a 'fan' of mine (What client isn't these days, thanks to your 'lovely' blog?) and is making a general nuisance of himself. - SH

Whats he doing? Stealing my ashtray or something? 0_o Hed better NOT touch it! - JW

No. Worse, much worse. - SH

What HAS HAPPENED?! I need to know what I am walking into! - JW

He is quite easily the most arrogant, pompous, supercilious _idiot _I have ever had the misfortune to meet. - SH

Oh? Even worse than Mycroft?! - JW

Quite possibly. At least Mycroft has the excuse of actually being intelligent and excelling at the subject of his pomposity. - SH

What is the clients brother actually doing Sherlock?! - JW

Deducing! - SH

Say WHAT?! - JW

Deducing. Or attempting to. He's been shamelessly poking about the flat ever since he arrived and is now daring to spout off my life story without so much as a by your leave. (He's gotten it all wrong, by the way, but the argument still stands). _You _have a better grasp on the science of deduction than this arrogant sod does! - SH

Uh...Um...Before u kill the bloke, just remember...hes a fan and is probably trying to impress u. Hang on I am COMING! - JW

Hurry. He's starting to eye up my microscope in a manner that is making me uncomfortable. He also chucked his insultingly navy scarf right onto Billy. - SH

I am trying! Its this bloody London traffic! Everybody is going to work! - JW

Morons. - SH

What is the girl up to? - JW

Asking me about your tea preferences. "Does your doctor drink Earl Grey or Darjeeling?" - SH

Tell her I drink a tea called 'NoneOfYourBloodyBusiness'! This whole 'fame' thing is just a BIG pain in the arse! - JW

It was _your _blog... - SH

Shut up! - JW

Why did I agree to take this farcical case again? - SH

U were bored & he said she had an interesting case! - JW

Where are you, John? If you're not here in five minutes I'm going to make use of the window and Mrs. Hudson's bins again. I can't take much more of this! - SH

They're asking me if I had an unhappy childhood now...who do they think they are; my personal shrinks? - SH

I am unfortunately 10 minutes away when there is no traffic! :/ Right now my cab seems to be getting every red light in London! - JW

Damn! Bloody Mycroft! - SH

Can I throw them out? He's practically rubbing my face in his 'superiority'! - SH

If they get too bad call Lestrade Tell him u have got some rabid fangirls in your flat and they are threatening your life or something! - JW

He won't be of any help. Remember last time? He just sat there and laughed. - SH

Um, okay. Tell them u WILL call the police if they dont get their arses outta there! They dont have a case do they...? - JW

Aside from pounding me with the illogical and untruthful fact that they are apparently my new protégés and soulmates, no. - SH

Protoges and... SOULMATES?! *bursts out laughing* HAHAHA! - JW

_John! _This isn't funny!


	55. In Which John Is Digging

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**Author's Note: **_This chapter comes from a suggestion by _**Arty Diane**. _Thank you, you are awesome!_

* * *

Sherlock, just to warn you - Sooty is coming for a visit for a bit, okay...? - JW

Really? - SH

Really, really. Molly just needs us to look after her while she goes 2 a conference...her mothers got Toby. Please dont freak out! - JW

I'm not, I am perfectly calm. Why would I 'freak out'? How does that information in any way affect me? - SH

This is Sooty we are talking about...The kitten? Except she isnt a kitten any more. She has grown up into quite a gorgeous cat! - JW

Fascinating, John. Again; why would I be interested? - SH

She is coming to the flat for about a week... - JW

And...? - SH

The. Cat. Is. Coming. Back! - JW

Yes, John, I did gather that fact. And this affects me how? - SH

I thought u were determined 2 hate her! - JW

Why would you draw the conclusion that I would ever waste space in my Mind Palace for hating something so insignificant as a feline? She's a cat. It's hardly worth the effort. - SH

& here I thought maybe u two had managed to bond there at the end...but I guess u really r determined to hate cats after all. - JW

Well you thought wrong, John. She's a cat. Not worth the effort for hatred. - SH

Says u who called her every unsavoury name in the Universe & made me stop u kicking her multiple times! Sheis going 2 arrive at around 3:30 this afternoon. Molly is dropping her off... - JW

Fine, fine. I'll be in the kitchen with my lithium compounds. - SH

Okay, if u say so... - JW

* * *

**TBC...**


End file.
